Dreams of travelling and the Good News' painful journeys.

     As I lay here, 2:30ish in the morning, I am daydreaming. I dream I am giving a lecture. I want everyone to have as much proof as is possible about what I am about to reveal. Get out your cell phones everyone. Google this photo. An SS soldier from such and such time. As they do it I am also doing so on the projector for all to see. In this historical picture is a German soldier from WWII era with a long blonde pony tail. Next I have them look up a picture from long ago of a man in Asia with a long blonde pony tail. We do this with many other pictures. I tell everyone to screen shot each picture so they can study them later. For those of you reading this I think you all know that I have long blonde ponytailed hair. Now everyone can see me, can see that these pictures look remarkably similar to me. So I have them punch my name into the Google machine and see the pictures that pop up.

     There are many more strange pictures to be found like these. Some are photos and some are  other pre camera media. As I lay here I dream my wife and I were travelling and as we did so we found ourselves suddenly in these different places and/or times. Sometimes we travelled together and others alone. I am comparing to the only thing my mind can immediately conjur. The apostle Phillip as he was with the Ethiopian leader and then was whisked away. Not the only instance in the Bible of a person being here and then boom, there. This is the one that seemed to resonate. For it wasn't that God had just decided that I would make an awesome traveller of time and distance but that in each instance I had taken the Good News to someone who had no other to receive it from.

     I kept hearing Paul. I've got to get to Rome. And the people discouraging him. But Paul, if you go to Rome you will be put in chains, you will be beaten, you will probably die there. But I must. I must go to Rome. For to Paul there was something much bigger than he. He would get to tell the most powerful folks in the world about God. About Jesus. About Salvation. Nothing else could matter.

     I think we place too much value on this life. We as Christians place too much value on this life. A missionary is taken captive in a Communist or Islamic/Muslim nation and we go to war to get them released. We would have hand cuffed Paul to the railing of the boat to keep him from Rome. Is it not God who moves people so they can share the gospel where they never dreamed? To share with people we could never reach? On one hand we read a non-fiction book of a man who was imprisoned for his faith and every day or week got to witness to a high ranking person unreachable any other way and then through the lens of history we see how that one person's actions caused ripples throughout history. How men and lives and countries were changed by the Gospel. But when it happens in our time.....we do everything in our power to undo what God is doing. To right a great injustice. How can we let a man of God be imprisoned by evil men? Like Paul and Jesus and John the Baptist and nearly all the disciples who readily gave up their lives for something greater. How have we lost sight of the greater picture?

     I believe in a powerful God. One who is still doing mighty things. He is reaching Muslim men in dreams. In a given day more miracles will happen than are recorded in all of scripture. Have we become so dull? Can we not See?

     I don't think God wastes much time in my life. When I see things they have purpose. Maybe only to remind me, and you, of the bigger picture. Maybe you begin to see pictures of men long ago that look convincingly like me. Maybe.....

Freedom. Much more difficult than captivity.

     Sometimes freedom is the hardest thing of all. You may have escaped a cult. Maybe that one sin is finally behind you. Or life has been so busy there wasn't time for fellowship or ministry and now life has released its grip. An abusive relationship is finally in the rear view mirror. I mean, I'm sure there's a million ways life can strangle us, but now we are free. Finally free. I can do anything I want. The allure of freedom. There may be no more of a terrifying thing and yet the smell, that beautiful fragrance of days gone by, of mothers apple pie in the kitchen window a million years ago. I love that smell. It is possibility, the perfect lover, the winning lottery ticket, an ice cold Coke on a beautiful summers day. But there's a catch.....

     I'm not sure what God wants of me now. It was all so easy back there. And now, now I have Grace. What does that mean? I don't have to do anything but I have to do something. What is It? What direction do I move? How do I know?

     I have spent so much of my life tied to that sin. I would have given anything to escape. Now I'm here. I'm free. My dreams are realized. But, I don't know what to do with myself. I have all this time. What do people do with this much time? I can eat this. I can drink that. I can go there. I can sleep under the stars. But what do i have to Do? I don't understand what I'm supposed to do? I feel lost.

     I was the raging river thrashing about, breaking trees and rocks alike and now I'm here at the bottom. A lake of calmness, barely moved by the evening breeze. This isn't what I wanted. That prison was terrible. I needed to escape. But this prison. I did not see this coming. Imprisoned in freedom.

     I missed people soo much. It made me sick. I missed fellowship. I hated that I had to let go of relationships cause there just wasn't time for people. Oh sure, I could meet with you and listen to your problem. I could pray with you. And then, I might see you again in six months. I see you every Sunday and my heart longs to be near you. To know the cry of your heart. To let you help me carry some of the broken pieces of my heart. Shared celebration of our victories. But it can't be. It seems like it will never be. So I closed off those places of my heart. I barricaded them all the while looking forward to the time I could finally pull the nails out and remove each board.

     Woohoo! It's finally time. Now where's my hammer? The nail puller, a pry bar, cat's claw, anything. Nothing? I know I have tools somewhere. I'm just not sure though. I mean if I pull those boards down then anyone will be able to get in. Anyone. It would be nice to spend time with Tod. But Tod hasn't really made an effort to be around me. Or I could join the Saturday men's group. It's not the same group I was in and I don't know most of the guys. Oh man, I know I need to do something but everything is so scary. I don't want to get hurt again. I mean it wasn't their fault. I left the group. These aren't even the same guys. But I keep getting hurt. And I just can't keep getting hurt. I can't take any more. I really need fellowship. I really need to grow. I need to open the word with others. I need that excitement again. But, I don't know. I need to go slow. I don't know what I need. I don't know how to get it. I don't know where it's at. I probably wouldn't know it if I tripped over and fell face first into it.

     I'm terrified. I know God has great plans for me. I wonder how much I've missed out on, how much others have lost out on. That guilt tears me up if I let it and yet I still can't move. Won't move. Lord help me. I. There it is. The problem. I. It's all about me. I can't escape me.

     One day this will all be changed. One day I will look back and say, I am so thankful for what God did there. My life would not be what it is if I had not gone through that. I will see the need. I will see the value. Mostly though, I will be far enough away to see it in the larger picture. For now though, I can only hope. Hope that it will make sense. Hope that I won't be where I am forever. Hope. Hope that I have a greater story. Hope that I won't continue to F it all up. I don't feel hopeful. I have been through storms before so history tells me that hope is coming. I just dont see it.

     Some of you have been so amazing. Many of you have stepped in at just the right time. So thank you all of you who have heard the whisper of the Holy Spirit and taken time to breath some life into this old man. Young man. Middle man?

     I have been accused of tmi on some of my blog posts. This time however, I am feeling really exposed. That is easy when I am strong and moving with the Lord. But I am anything but strong now. Do I share This? Do I let the whole world in to my inner weakness? I don't really want to. I'm going to but I don't want to. I'll click share and go out and work for a bit before picking up my daughter on her last day of school. Oh, and there is no Tod, but maybe you are Tod. And now goodbye.