he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—
Ephesians 1:5 NIV
In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will,
Ephesians 1:11 NIV
Predestination has been a hot topic in the church. Entire denominations have been build around it. Here's my take.
The reality is God has seen the beginning, middle, and end of every life and He speaks what already is even though it has yet to happen.
And.....4,100 years ago God came to a man named Abram and made a covenant with him. Basically he would be the father of many nations and all peoples on earth would be blessed through him. So Abraham was predestined for this. It was nothing he did either before or after God spoke to him. God did it all. So the Jews understood being predestined, being chosen. Most of the peoples of the earth in the first century A.D. would have known this of the Jews so Paul here is using language the Bible time people understood.
We could spin forever debating free will versus predestination, and grace versus law. The church has been arguing these things for 2,000 years. However, scripture is clear that our time on earth is a journey, not a destination. Scripture says we will be transformed in the blink of an eye and that happens after we leave our earth suit. So while we are here, whatever time we have, must be spent in what used to be my favorite word. Sanctification. The process of being made Holy. In other words, getting saved is not an event, but a journey of becoming more like Christ. It starts with an event, a coming to Jesus moment, but it cannot end there.
Matthew 6:20 But store up for yourselves treasure in heaven
Matthew 7:8 For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
Matthew 25:14-30 parable of the ten talents. The one given 5 talents gained 5 more and the one given 2 talents gained 2 more.
And be ye not conformed, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind
There are so many scriptures about growing and changing, about the journey. It doesn't really matter though how predestined or how much choice we have. The Bible is clear that while we are here we are to become more like Christ each day. So if God chose me and I have no say in the matter, I still must strive each day for Christ's likeness in me. Just as Abraham exercised his faith both before and after his calling. And obviously if it is my choice, the choosing doesn't end with my first decision. No more so than if a man chooses a woman. He will strive for her love all the days of his life. So it is with Christ and us.
Tuesday, November 27, 2018
Wednesday, September 12, 2018
Sometimes you need a different translation.
I'm going thru Galatians verse by verse in the NIV. I just got to verse 19 of the second chapter. Here's what it says. For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. I've heard this verse many times but I was like what does it mean thru the law I died to the law. I could have fought my way through it, maybe in context to the verses around it, if I read them enough times it would sink in finally. Or, I could have looked at the notes in the study Bible I'm using.
I usually try to figure something out or meditate on it a while before looking to see what someone else has come up with. This gives me confirmation many times that I'm on the right track if my synapses is the same. Sometimes there is a way of looking at it or another side I didn't see and that opens my world up some if I let it. Another thing that happens on occasion is that I get revelation that isn't what others have said. I can count on one hand with fingers left over the times this has happened.
So, I had my phone open to this verse in the NLT and they open it up quite a bit.
For when I tried to keep the law, it condemned me. So I died to the law—I stopped trying to meet all its requirements—so that I might live for God.
Galatians 2:19 NLT
I copy and pasted so I got extra stuff including web address I had to remove. Isn't this much clearer? It sure is for me. So now I can make my notes for this verse in my notebook.
If I can't come to a place where understanding sets in on my own then I look to the notes of others. First in my Bible, then I look online. There are many, many good sites like Bible.org for example. I can Google the scripture address. Or, I can Google a question like; what does it mean that through the law I died to the law? I searched this question up to see what I would get. The third result, I skipped the first two, was from Biblehub. They show the verse and then quite a few commentaries and even notes from study Bibles. It's all out there to be found. Anyways, I didn't really mean to write this much. I thought maybe a paragraph but I guess not this time.
I usually try to figure something out or meditate on it a while before looking to see what someone else has come up with. This gives me confirmation many times that I'm on the right track if my synapses is the same. Sometimes there is a way of looking at it or another side I didn't see and that opens my world up some if I let it. Another thing that happens on occasion is that I get revelation that isn't what others have said. I can count on one hand with fingers left over the times this has happened.
So, I had my phone open to this verse in the NLT and they open it up quite a bit.
For when I tried to keep the law, it condemned me. So I died to the law—I stopped trying to meet all its requirements—so that I might live for God.
Galatians 2:19 NLT
I copy and pasted so I got extra stuff including web address I had to remove. Isn't this much clearer? It sure is for me. So now I can make my notes for this verse in my notebook.
If I can't come to a place where understanding sets in on my own then I look to the notes of others. First in my Bible, then I look online. There are many, many good sites like Bible.org for example. I can Google the scripture address. Or, I can Google a question like; what does it mean that through the law I died to the law? I searched this question up to see what I would get. The third result, I skipped the first two, was from Biblehub. They show the verse and then quite a few commentaries and even notes from study Bibles. It's all out there to be found. Anyways, I didn't really mean to write this much. I thought maybe a paragraph but I guess not this time.
Friday, August 31, 2018
Winning the Battle
A part of a song lyric is dancing in my head. "And if I wait till I'm a wise man,I'll be far too old." God is teaching me something and if I wait until I have it all it will be too late to share.
A few days ago my wife and I had a blow out. A couple of weeks before that we had a different blow out. You see, yesterday I was still torn up but I got my new phone in the mail and I was still perturbed, I guess is a good word, but I messaged her from the shop to ask her suggestion for a better phone case. The day before, well, that was armageddon. I slept on the couch that night. And the chair. And the loveseat. I was angry, but I did get some sleep, and some ice cream.
Today, we spent several hours running around doing errands and had a good conversation over lunch. It was a good day. Today also, on my wife's Facebook timehop, was a reminder of a car repair job I did 8 years ago. We were shorted $300 by the customer. That by my memory is the first job we really got shorted on. The biggest one for sure though. Now days I rarely do work for someone I don't have a relationship with. And I still get shorted. It goes something like this.....I have this much, can I pay you the rest when.....? Usually I do it. And I do it with my own expectation of never seeing the rest of the money.
I learned after a while that keeping a record of money owed nearly always burned something in my heart. A piece of resentment would grow towards that person who was usually a friend. I learned if I kept no record then there was nothing to come between me and them. It is not a perfect system but it does remind me of this scripture. Love keeps no record of wrongs. God used this part of my business to teach me how to not harbor resentment. To not pick up offenses. Oh man did He teach me a lot. Now however, He is teaching me something more.
Now God is making it personal. He is attaching a much higher cost than money. Two days ago He allowed something to come between my wife and I to force my choice. Two weeks ago another choice between my wife and I. Weeks before that another choice. And a month or two before that. I'm not talking about little things like who left the seat up. Think big, like whose house can I crash at for a while? What will it be like to be divorced? If I leave now I give up all the ministry God has laid out for me. I mean big stuff, because God is way beyond trying to teach me something. He is creating something. Something only made by enduring the pressures I cannot endure. By surviving that meant to crush. And not simply surviving, but coming out like Rocky at the end of a fight. Beaten and broken but with my heart full. Knowing without question, without doubt, who I am.
There are trials coming. Trials that likely have not to do with my wife. Trials that would kill me now. That would cause me to tap out. God sent a messenger to me. And this messenger told me not to quit. There are people who need what God has given you. Not just two or twelve but hundreds. She was trying to protect me, cause the truth is thousands. Maybe tens of thousands. At one time. I know this. Yet I thought her message was generic. It was not. It was two days before something that left me desperate to run. To quit. To give up. To do all the things she warned me not to. To not to. That's like my favorite phrase. To not to. Anyways, God sure has His ways. And I have been intentionally vague about the things between my wife and I. I'm a bit autistic in that I don't obey some of the accepted social constructs and share more than I should in ways I shouldn't but I'm doing my best to respect my little lady so I hope that works for y'all.
So I said at the beginning something like I shouldn't write about this until I'm dead. Like that's about the time I'll have grown enough that it will be valuable enough to you to share. But of course I'll be dead then so the sharing thing might be a little awkward. It's just that it seems God wants to create a sort of super grace in me. Having boundaries but able to withstand almost any attack. To freely love, but take not offense. I'm not too bright but I've figured out that the deeper the love, the deeper an offense digs. Meaning the wounds of a friend hurt worse than those of a foe. So what is it God is exactly raising me up for? And equally important, how can I help you through your pain so you can grow what God is forging in you?
That is the thing, right? Everything we are given is for the benefit of others? It is, so you know. All my giftings, my Bible knowledge, my car and mechanical knowledge, my love of sunshine, my family, every good thing God put in me, and some of the bad, is for you. I haven't quit. Tomorrow is a new day. I can't "fix" you or really myself for that matter so I keep asking God for help. I ask Him to help me and He does. I ask Him to help you and I believe that He does. Even if you don't see it.
I mentioned a question I have to keep asking myself, up about 20 paragraphs above. Ok, it wasn't a question but a choice. It is this. Do I want to be happy or right? When offense is clawing at the screen door this is the question that determines whether or not I open the screen and pick it up. BTW, you cannot be offended. You have a choice. To, or to not to. Just thought I should throw that in. Even when I am right I can choose to surrender to be happy in the long run or I can fight and no one wins. If I win a battle with my wife but lose my marriage who wins there? Satan. And if I lose a battle or many but win my marriage, who wins there? Me, my wife, my kids, relatives, friends, church, ministry, everyone.
I hope this helps you. It's been a long time since my last blog post and not sure if more are coming but I'm gonna just keep on serving God and go as He leads.
"This is how I fight my battles".......
A few days ago my wife and I had a blow out. A couple of weeks before that we had a different blow out. You see, yesterday I was still torn up but I got my new phone in the mail and I was still perturbed, I guess is a good word, but I messaged her from the shop to ask her suggestion for a better phone case. The day before, well, that was armageddon. I slept on the couch that night. And the chair. And the loveseat. I was angry, but I did get some sleep, and some ice cream.
Today, we spent several hours running around doing errands and had a good conversation over lunch. It was a good day. Today also, on my wife's Facebook timehop, was a reminder of a car repair job I did 8 years ago. We were shorted $300 by the customer. That by my memory is the first job we really got shorted on. The biggest one for sure though. Now days I rarely do work for someone I don't have a relationship with. And I still get shorted. It goes something like this.....I have this much, can I pay you the rest when.....? Usually I do it. And I do it with my own expectation of never seeing the rest of the money.
I learned after a while that keeping a record of money owed nearly always burned something in my heart. A piece of resentment would grow towards that person who was usually a friend. I learned if I kept no record then there was nothing to come between me and them. It is not a perfect system but it does remind me of this scripture. Love keeps no record of wrongs. God used this part of my business to teach me how to not harbor resentment. To not pick up offenses. Oh man did He teach me a lot. Now however, He is teaching me something more.
Now God is making it personal. He is attaching a much higher cost than money. Two days ago He allowed something to come between my wife and I to force my choice. Two weeks ago another choice between my wife and I. Weeks before that another choice. And a month or two before that. I'm not talking about little things like who left the seat up. Think big, like whose house can I crash at for a while? What will it be like to be divorced? If I leave now I give up all the ministry God has laid out for me. I mean big stuff, because God is way beyond trying to teach me something. He is creating something. Something only made by enduring the pressures I cannot endure. By surviving that meant to crush. And not simply surviving, but coming out like Rocky at the end of a fight. Beaten and broken but with my heart full. Knowing without question, without doubt, who I am.
There are trials coming. Trials that likely have not to do with my wife. Trials that would kill me now. That would cause me to tap out. God sent a messenger to me. And this messenger told me not to quit. There are people who need what God has given you. Not just two or twelve but hundreds. She was trying to protect me, cause the truth is thousands. Maybe tens of thousands. At one time. I know this. Yet I thought her message was generic. It was not. It was two days before something that left me desperate to run. To quit. To give up. To do all the things she warned me not to. To not to. That's like my favorite phrase. To not to. Anyways, God sure has His ways. And I have been intentionally vague about the things between my wife and I. I'm a bit autistic in that I don't obey some of the accepted social constructs and share more than I should in ways I shouldn't but I'm doing my best to respect my little lady so I hope that works for y'all.
So I said at the beginning something like I shouldn't write about this until I'm dead. Like that's about the time I'll have grown enough that it will be valuable enough to you to share. But of course I'll be dead then so the sharing thing might be a little awkward. It's just that it seems God wants to create a sort of super grace in me. Having boundaries but able to withstand almost any attack. To freely love, but take not offense. I'm not too bright but I've figured out that the deeper the love, the deeper an offense digs. Meaning the wounds of a friend hurt worse than those of a foe. So what is it God is exactly raising me up for? And equally important, how can I help you through your pain so you can grow what God is forging in you?
That is the thing, right? Everything we are given is for the benefit of others? It is, so you know. All my giftings, my Bible knowledge, my car and mechanical knowledge, my love of sunshine, my family, every good thing God put in me, and some of the bad, is for you. I haven't quit. Tomorrow is a new day. I can't "fix" you or really myself for that matter so I keep asking God for help. I ask Him to help me and He does. I ask Him to help you and I believe that He does. Even if you don't see it.
I mentioned a question I have to keep asking myself, up about 20 paragraphs above. Ok, it wasn't a question but a choice. It is this. Do I want to be happy or right? When offense is clawing at the screen door this is the question that determines whether or not I open the screen and pick it up. BTW, you cannot be offended. You have a choice. To, or to not to. Just thought I should throw that in. Even when I am right I can choose to surrender to be happy in the long run or I can fight and no one wins. If I win a battle with my wife but lose my marriage who wins there? Satan. And if I lose a battle or many but win my marriage, who wins there? Me, my wife, my kids, relatives, friends, church, ministry, everyone.
I hope this helps you. It's been a long time since my last blog post and not sure if more are coming but I'm gonna just keep on serving God and go as He leads.
"This is how I fight my battles".......
Thursday, June 22, 2017
Dreams of travelling and the Good News' painful journeys.
As I lay here, 2:30ish in the morning, I am daydreaming. I dream I am giving a lecture. I want everyone to have as much proof as is possible about what I am about to reveal. Get out your cell phones everyone. Google this photo. An SS soldier from such and such time. As they do it I am also doing so on the projector for all to see. In this historical picture is a German soldier from WWII era with a long blonde pony tail. Next I have them look up a picture from long ago of a man in Asia with a long blonde pony tail. We do this with many other pictures. I tell everyone to screen shot each picture so they can study them later. For those of you reading this I think you all know that I have long blonde ponytailed hair. Now everyone can see me, can see that these pictures look remarkably similar to me. So I have them punch my name into the Google machine and see the pictures that pop up.
There are many more strange pictures to be found like these. Some are photos and some are other pre camera media. As I lay here I dream my wife and I were travelling and as we did so we found ourselves suddenly in these different places and/or times. Sometimes we travelled together and others alone. I am comparing to the only thing my mind can immediately conjur. The apostle Phillip as he was with the Ethiopian leader and then was whisked away. Not the only instance in the Bible of a person being here and then boom, there. This is the one that seemed to resonate. For it wasn't that God had just decided that I would make an awesome traveller of time and distance but that in each instance I had taken the Good News to someone who had no other to receive it from.
I kept hearing Paul. I've got to get to Rome. And the people discouraging him. But Paul, if you go to Rome you will be put in chains, you will be beaten, you will probably die there. But I must. I must go to Rome. For to Paul there was something much bigger than he. He would get to tell the most powerful folks in the world about God. About Jesus. About Salvation. Nothing else could matter.
I think we place too much value on this life. We as Christians place too much value on this life. A missionary is taken captive in a Communist or Islamic/Muslim nation and we go to war to get them released. We would have hand cuffed Paul to the railing of the boat to keep him from Rome. Is it not God who moves people so they can share the gospel where they never dreamed? To share with people we could never reach? On one hand we read a non-fiction book of a man who was imprisoned for his faith and every day or week got to witness to a high ranking person unreachable any other way and then through the lens of history we see how that one person's actions caused ripples throughout history. How men and lives and countries were changed by the Gospel. But when it happens in our time.....we do everything in our power to undo what God is doing. To right a great injustice. How can we let a man of God be imprisoned by evil men? Like Paul and Jesus and John the Baptist and nearly all the disciples who readily gave up their lives for something greater. How have we lost sight of the greater picture?
I believe in a powerful God. One who is still doing mighty things. He is reaching Muslim men in dreams. In a given day more miracles will happen than are recorded in all of scripture. Have we become so dull? Can we not See?
I don't think God wastes much time in my life. When I see things they have purpose. Maybe only to remind me, and you, of the bigger picture. Maybe you begin to see pictures of men long ago that look convincingly like me. Maybe.....
There are many more strange pictures to be found like these. Some are photos and some are other pre camera media. As I lay here I dream my wife and I were travelling and as we did so we found ourselves suddenly in these different places and/or times. Sometimes we travelled together and others alone. I am comparing to the only thing my mind can immediately conjur. The apostle Phillip as he was with the Ethiopian leader and then was whisked away. Not the only instance in the Bible of a person being here and then boom, there. This is the one that seemed to resonate. For it wasn't that God had just decided that I would make an awesome traveller of time and distance but that in each instance I had taken the Good News to someone who had no other to receive it from.
I kept hearing Paul. I've got to get to Rome. And the people discouraging him. But Paul, if you go to Rome you will be put in chains, you will be beaten, you will probably die there. But I must. I must go to Rome. For to Paul there was something much bigger than he. He would get to tell the most powerful folks in the world about God. About Jesus. About Salvation. Nothing else could matter.
I think we place too much value on this life. We as Christians place too much value on this life. A missionary is taken captive in a Communist or Islamic/Muslim nation and we go to war to get them released. We would have hand cuffed Paul to the railing of the boat to keep him from Rome. Is it not God who moves people so they can share the gospel where they never dreamed? To share with people we could never reach? On one hand we read a non-fiction book of a man who was imprisoned for his faith and every day or week got to witness to a high ranking person unreachable any other way and then through the lens of history we see how that one person's actions caused ripples throughout history. How men and lives and countries were changed by the Gospel. But when it happens in our time.....we do everything in our power to undo what God is doing. To right a great injustice. How can we let a man of God be imprisoned by evil men? Like Paul and Jesus and John the Baptist and nearly all the disciples who readily gave up their lives for something greater. How have we lost sight of the greater picture?
I believe in a powerful God. One who is still doing mighty things. He is reaching Muslim men in dreams. In a given day more miracles will happen than are recorded in all of scripture. Have we become so dull? Can we not See?
I don't think God wastes much time in my life. When I see things they have purpose. Maybe only to remind me, and you, of the bigger picture. Maybe you begin to see pictures of men long ago that look convincingly like me. Maybe.....
Thursday, June 1, 2017
Freedom. Much more difficult than captivity.
Sometimes freedom is the hardest thing of all. You may have escaped a cult. Maybe that one sin is finally behind you. Or life has been so busy there wasn't time for fellowship or ministry and now life has released its grip. An abusive relationship is finally in the rear view mirror. I mean, I'm sure there's a million ways life can strangle us, but now we are free. Finally free. I can do anything I want. The allure of freedom. There may be no more of a terrifying thing and yet the smell, that beautiful fragrance of days gone by, of mothers apple pie in the kitchen window a million years ago. I love that smell. It is possibility, the perfect lover, the winning lottery ticket, an ice cold Coke on a beautiful summers day. But there's a catch.....
I'm not sure what God wants of me now. It was all so easy back there. And now, now I have Grace. What does that mean? I don't have to do anything but I have to do something. What is It? What direction do I move? How do I know?
I have spent so much of my life tied to that sin. I would have given anything to escape. Now I'm here. I'm free. My dreams are realized. But, I don't know what to do with myself. I have all this time. What do people do with this much time? I can eat this. I can drink that. I can go there. I can sleep under the stars. But what do i have to Do? I don't understand what I'm supposed to do? I feel lost.
I was the raging river thrashing about, breaking trees and rocks alike and now I'm here at the bottom. A lake of calmness, barely moved by the evening breeze. This isn't what I wanted. That prison was terrible. I needed to escape. But this prison. I did not see this coming. Imprisoned in freedom.
I missed people soo much. It made me sick. I missed fellowship. I hated that I had to let go of relationships cause there just wasn't time for people. Oh sure, I could meet with you and listen to your problem. I could pray with you. And then, I might see you again in six months. I see you every Sunday and my heart longs to be near you. To know the cry of your heart. To let you help me carry some of the broken pieces of my heart. Shared celebration of our victories. But it can't be. It seems like it will never be. So I closed off those places of my heart. I barricaded them all the while looking forward to the time I could finally pull the nails out and remove each board.
Woohoo! It's finally time. Now where's my hammer? The nail puller, a pry bar, cat's claw, anything. Nothing? I know I have tools somewhere. I'm just not sure though. I mean if I pull those boards down then anyone will be able to get in. Anyone. It would be nice to spend time with Tod. But Tod hasn't really made an effort to be around me. Or I could join the Saturday men's group. It's not the same group I was in and I don't know most of the guys. Oh man, I know I need to do something but everything is so scary. I don't want to get hurt again. I mean it wasn't their fault. I left the group. These aren't even the same guys. But I keep getting hurt. And I just can't keep getting hurt. I can't take any more. I really need fellowship. I really need to grow. I need to open the word with others. I need that excitement again. But, I don't know. I need to go slow. I don't know what I need. I don't know how to get it. I don't know where it's at. I probably wouldn't know it if I tripped over and fell face first into it.
I'm terrified. I know God has great plans for me. I wonder how much I've missed out on, how much others have lost out on. That guilt tears me up if I let it and yet I still can't move. Won't move. Lord help me. I. There it is. The problem. I. It's all about me. I can't escape me.
One day this will all be changed. One day I will look back and say, I am so thankful for what God did there. My life would not be what it is if I had not gone through that. I will see the need. I will see the value. Mostly though, I will be far enough away to see it in the larger picture. For now though, I can only hope. Hope that it will make sense. Hope that I won't be where I am forever. Hope. Hope that I have a greater story. Hope that I won't continue to F it all up. I don't feel hopeful. I have been through storms before so history tells me that hope is coming. I just dont see it.
Some of you have been so amazing. Many of you have stepped in at just the right time. So thank you all of you who have heard the whisper of the Holy Spirit and taken time to breath some life into this old man. Young man. Middle man?
I have been accused of tmi on some of my blog posts. This time however, I am feeling really exposed. That is easy when I am strong and moving with the Lord. But I am anything but strong now. Do I share This? Do I let the whole world in to my inner weakness? I don't really want to. I'm going to but I don't want to. I'll click share and go out and work for a bit before picking up my daughter on her last day of school. Oh, and there is no Tod, but maybe you are Tod. And now goodbye.
I'm not sure what God wants of me now. It was all so easy back there. And now, now I have Grace. What does that mean? I don't have to do anything but I have to do something. What is It? What direction do I move? How do I know?
I have spent so much of my life tied to that sin. I would have given anything to escape. Now I'm here. I'm free. My dreams are realized. But, I don't know what to do with myself. I have all this time. What do people do with this much time? I can eat this. I can drink that. I can go there. I can sleep under the stars. But what do i have to Do? I don't understand what I'm supposed to do? I feel lost.
I was the raging river thrashing about, breaking trees and rocks alike and now I'm here at the bottom. A lake of calmness, barely moved by the evening breeze. This isn't what I wanted. That prison was terrible. I needed to escape. But this prison. I did not see this coming. Imprisoned in freedom.
I missed people soo much. It made me sick. I missed fellowship. I hated that I had to let go of relationships cause there just wasn't time for people. Oh sure, I could meet with you and listen to your problem. I could pray with you. And then, I might see you again in six months. I see you every Sunday and my heart longs to be near you. To know the cry of your heart. To let you help me carry some of the broken pieces of my heart. Shared celebration of our victories. But it can't be. It seems like it will never be. So I closed off those places of my heart. I barricaded them all the while looking forward to the time I could finally pull the nails out and remove each board.
Woohoo! It's finally time. Now where's my hammer? The nail puller, a pry bar, cat's claw, anything. Nothing? I know I have tools somewhere. I'm just not sure though. I mean if I pull those boards down then anyone will be able to get in. Anyone. It would be nice to spend time with Tod. But Tod hasn't really made an effort to be around me. Or I could join the Saturday men's group. It's not the same group I was in and I don't know most of the guys. Oh man, I know I need to do something but everything is so scary. I don't want to get hurt again. I mean it wasn't their fault. I left the group. These aren't even the same guys. But I keep getting hurt. And I just can't keep getting hurt. I can't take any more. I really need fellowship. I really need to grow. I need to open the word with others. I need that excitement again. But, I don't know. I need to go slow. I don't know what I need. I don't know how to get it. I don't know where it's at. I probably wouldn't know it if I tripped over and fell face first into it.
I'm terrified. I know God has great plans for me. I wonder how much I've missed out on, how much others have lost out on. That guilt tears me up if I let it and yet I still can't move. Won't move. Lord help me. I. There it is. The problem. I. It's all about me. I can't escape me.
One day this will all be changed. One day I will look back and say, I am so thankful for what God did there. My life would not be what it is if I had not gone through that. I will see the need. I will see the value. Mostly though, I will be far enough away to see it in the larger picture. For now though, I can only hope. Hope that it will make sense. Hope that I won't be where I am forever. Hope. Hope that I have a greater story. Hope that I won't continue to F it all up. I don't feel hopeful. I have been through storms before so history tells me that hope is coming. I just dont see it.
Some of you have been so amazing. Many of you have stepped in at just the right time. So thank you all of you who have heard the whisper of the Holy Spirit and taken time to breath some life into this old man. Young man. Middle man?
I have been accused of tmi on some of my blog posts. This time however, I am feeling really exposed. That is easy when I am strong and moving with the Lord. But I am anything but strong now. Do I share This? Do I let the whole world in to my inner weakness? I don't really want to. I'm going to but I don't want to. I'll click share and go out and work for a bit before picking up my daughter on her last day of school. Oh, and there is no Tod, but maybe you are Tod. And now goodbye.
Friday, May 5, 2017
Allergies
Do you ever have that cereal box, you know, you push the bag down and fold the flaps together and let go and it pops open? So you push in the sides of the box, fold it again and poof, it pops open again. I'm sitting at the table with a box of Kleenex. I'm done eating and there's this growing pile of used tissue next to me. I dry my eyes, blow my nose a couple times, then rest my head in my hands. Like that box of cereal I feel defeated. Not by life. Not work or laundry or another rainy day. Nope. I'm defeated by something invisible. Some seasonal something that reaches out from places unknown and turns me into a blubbering mess of tissue and sneezing.
C.S. Lewis said if you don't feel like doing something do it anyways and after doing it a bit you'll start feeling it. If you dont feel like worship just sing anyways. If you dont feel happy start smiling anyways. He says after a bit your actions will influence your mood. Well allergies use this principle in reverse. I feel just fine but my eyes wont stop tearing up. It doesnt take long and i feel like going to a quiet private space and bawling my head off. Let it all out. But there's nothing to let out. My allergies are lying to me.
I have a customer job waiting in the shop. Breakfast still needs to be put away. The cereal box just sits there taunting me. Tissue pile still growing. There's plenty of stuff that needs to be done. Here I am still paralyzed by these invisible hooligans, well that and typing this out on my phone. Gotta go. Gotta get moving. Ugh. Just ugh.
C.S. Lewis said if you don't feel like doing something do it anyways and after doing it a bit you'll start feeling it. If you dont feel like worship just sing anyways. If you dont feel happy start smiling anyways. He says after a bit your actions will influence your mood. Well allergies use this principle in reverse. I feel just fine but my eyes wont stop tearing up. It doesnt take long and i feel like going to a quiet private space and bawling my head off. Let it all out. But there's nothing to let out. My allergies are lying to me.
I have a customer job waiting in the shop. Breakfast still needs to be put away. The cereal box just sits there taunting me. Tissue pile still growing. There's plenty of stuff that needs to be done. Here I am still paralyzed by these invisible hooligans, well that and typing this out on my phone. Gotta go. Gotta get moving. Ugh. Just ugh.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
A work in progress
I'm polishing a pair of bike rims. They are for a bike that will be sold to fund a car project. I have to take them apart and put back together one spoke at a time. You'd think that might be the hard part but it's definitely the polishing. Basically polishing is sanding with a really fine substance until the surface being polished is a smooth as can be. Any imperfection will ruin the finish. Bike rims are already flat so piece if cake, right? These gave a grained finish, kinda like the grooves on a record but much smaller. And they take forever.
I'm so close to being done. Each little imperfection takes so long to remove so I stand there patiently going back and forth and back and forth. My first thought today was, are you using this to prepare me for something God? If so, I don't want it. Anything that is this hard and takes this long, anything that I hate doing and I want to quit over and over, anything that you'd use this to prepare me for would be infinitely harder than what I'm doing now. Um, no thanks.
The last person to live at our house was, I was gonna say Taniesha, but I guess it was D. If you've been to our house you know it is on the small side. We've had someone live in the shop for a while. Chris's parents for a year and a half, half in camper, and half parked in front of tv. My dad lived in trailer out back for too long. T at least had a room. We've had people crash on the couch for various amounts of time. I hated it. Every single time was miserable. This is my space, my place, my sanctuary. My tv. One shared bathroom. I've hated every single time my space was invaded, but I've continued to offer it up. We have said no a few times. But yet most times we have sacrificed our comfort for others. God always builds on the things in our lives so what will come next?
I'm still polishing. Back and forth, back and forth, will this little bugger ever polish out so I can go to the next? Then I realize this rim is me and God is the one looking at the imperfection wondering, how long will you hold on to this Jethro? I'd really like to move onto bigger and better things with you but you just won't let go.
When we were in the youth group there was this girl M. She was about 13 or so when we met. I don't know how or why but somehow God connects people in an unexplainable way. Chris and I are connected to her. She may not feel that toward us and that's ok but she will always have a special place in our hearts. Shes all grown up now, husband and kids i think, but if the phone rang and she was on the other end we would not hesitate to be there for her. That's got to be the Father heart of God. It certainly isn't me.
45 years now God has been polishing on me and I'm guessing I look about like the rusty trucks in my back yard. I see the potential though. I look at each of those trucks and I see something special.
I'm so close to being done. Each little imperfection takes so long to remove so I stand there patiently going back and forth and back and forth. My first thought today was, are you using this to prepare me for something God? If so, I don't want it. Anything that is this hard and takes this long, anything that I hate doing and I want to quit over and over, anything that you'd use this to prepare me for would be infinitely harder than what I'm doing now. Um, no thanks.
The last person to live at our house was, I was gonna say Taniesha, but I guess it was D. If you've been to our house you know it is on the small side. We've had someone live in the shop for a while. Chris's parents for a year and a half, half in camper, and half parked in front of tv. My dad lived in trailer out back for too long. T at least had a room. We've had people crash on the couch for various amounts of time. I hated it. Every single time was miserable. This is my space, my place, my sanctuary. My tv. One shared bathroom. I've hated every single time my space was invaded, but I've continued to offer it up. We have said no a few times. But yet most times we have sacrificed our comfort for others. God always builds on the things in our lives so what will come next?
I'm still polishing. Back and forth, back and forth, will this little bugger ever polish out so I can go to the next? Then I realize this rim is me and God is the one looking at the imperfection wondering, how long will you hold on to this Jethro? I'd really like to move onto bigger and better things with you but you just won't let go.
When we were in the youth group there was this girl M. She was about 13 or so when we met. I don't know how or why but somehow God connects people in an unexplainable way. Chris and I are connected to her. She may not feel that toward us and that's ok but she will always have a special place in our hearts. Shes all grown up now, husband and kids i think, but if the phone rang and she was on the other end we would not hesitate to be there for her. That's got to be the Father heart of God. It certainly isn't me.
45 years now God has been polishing on me and I'm guessing I look about like the rusty trucks in my back yard. I see the potential though. I look at each of those trucks and I see something special.
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