A part of a song lyric is dancing in my head. "And if I wait till I'm a wise man,I'll be far too old." God is teaching me something and if I wait until I have it all it will be too late to share.
A few days ago my wife and I had a blow out. A couple of weeks before that we had a different blow out. You see, yesterday I was still torn up but I got my new phone in the mail and I was still perturbed, I guess is a good word, but I messaged her from the shop to ask her suggestion for a better phone case. The day before, well, that was armageddon. I slept on the couch that night. And the chair. And the loveseat. I was angry, but I did get some sleep, and some ice cream.
Today, we spent several hours running around doing errands and had a good conversation over lunch. It was a good day. Today also, on my wife's Facebook timehop, was a reminder of a car repair job I did 8 years ago. We were shorted $300 by the customer. That by my memory is the first job we really got shorted on. The biggest one for sure though. Now days I rarely do work for someone I don't have a relationship with. And I still get shorted. It goes something like this.....I have this much, can I pay you the rest when.....? Usually I do it. And I do it with my own expectation of never seeing the rest of the money.
I learned after a while that keeping a record of money owed nearly always burned something in my heart. A piece of resentment would grow towards that person who was usually a friend. I learned if I kept no record then there was nothing to come between me and them. It is not a perfect system but it does remind me of this scripture. Love keeps no record of wrongs. God used this part of my business to teach me how to not harbor resentment. To not pick up offenses. Oh man did He teach me a lot. Now however, He is teaching me something more.
Now God is making it personal. He is attaching a much higher cost than money. Two days ago He allowed something to come between my wife and I to force my choice. Two weeks ago another choice between my wife and I. Weeks before that another choice. And a month or two before that. I'm not talking about little things like who left the seat up. Think big, like whose house can I crash at for a while? What will it be like to be divorced? If I leave now I give up all the ministry God has laid out for me. I mean big stuff, because God is way beyond trying to teach me something. He is creating something. Something only made by enduring the pressures I cannot endure. By surviving that meant to crush. And not simply surviving, but coming out like Rocky at the end of a fight. Beaten and broken but with my heart full. Knowing without question, without doubt, who I am.
There are trials coming. Trials that likely have not to do with my wife. Trials that would kill me now. That would cause me to tap out. God sent a messenger to me. And this messenger told me not to quit. There are people who need what God has given you. Not just two or twelve but hundreds. She was trying to protect me, cause the truth is thousands. Maybe tens of thousands. At one time. I know this. Yet I thought her message was generic. It was not. It was two days before something that left me desperate to run. To quit. To give up. To do all the things she warned me not to. To not to. That's like my favorite phrase. To not to. Anyways, God sure has His ways. And I have been intentionally vague about the things between my wife and I. I'm a bit autistic in that I don't obey some of the accepted social constructs and share more than I should in ways I shouldn't but I'm doing my best to respect my little lady so I hope that works for y'all.
So I said at the beginning something like I shouldn't write about this until I'm dead. Like that's about the time I'll have grown enough that it will be valuable enough to you to share. But of course I'll be dead then so the sharing thing might be a little awkward. It's just that it seems God wants to create a sort of super grace in me. Having boundaries but able to withstand almost any attack. To freely love, but take not offense. I'm not too bright but I've figured out that the deeper the love, the deeper an offense digs. Meaning the wounds of a friend hurt worse than those of a foe. So what is it God is exactly raising me up for? And equally important, how can I help you through your pain so you can grow what God is forging in you?
That is the thing, right? Everything we are given is for the benefit of others? It is, so you know. All my giftings, my Bible knowledge, my car and mechanical knowledge, my love of sunshine, my family, every good thing God put in me, and some of the bad, is for you. I haven't quit. Tomorrow is a new day. I can't "fix" you or really myself for that matter so I keep asking God for help. I ask Him to help me and He does. I ask Him to help you and I believe that He does. Even if you don't see it.
I mentioned a question I have to keep asking myself, up about 20 paragraphs above. Ok, it wasn't a question but a choice. It is this. Do I want to be happy or right? When offense is clawing at the screen door this is the question that determines whether or not I open the screen and pick it up. BTW, you cannot be offended. You have a choice. To, or to not to. Just thought I should throw that in. Even when I am right I can choose to surrender to be happy in the long run or I can fight and no one wins. If I win a battle with my wife but lose my marriage who wins there? Satan. And if I lose a battle or many but win my marriage, who wins there? Me, my wife, my kids, relatives, friends, church, ministry, everyone.
I hope this helps you. It's been a long time since my last blog post and not sure if more are coming but I'm gonna just keep on serving God and go as He leads.
"This is how I fight my battles".......
No comments:
Post a Comment