Friday, February 22, 2013
my family
This is about my family, not about the show my family which is really funny and much more entertaining than my family. My wife Christina is almost 4 years younger than I. Taniesha is the oldest kid at 21. We adopted her in God (too old to adopt legally) into our family Aug '12 at the ripe old age of 20 while roughly 7 mos pregnant. Next is Joe Hill at 20. He is my one child from my first marriage and I haven't had contact with him since he was about 1 yr old. Next is Anthony at 11, then Joshua at 9, and finally Ashtin, she's a ripe old 7 yrs of age. Of course, there's also Emma, daughter of Taniesha, and the family project. Of course daddy, i mean grandpa gets her most of the time, but everybody takes turns (not with diapers). We were determinately done with kids after Ashtin, however God has/had other plans. So here we are with our wonderful family of 7 all lovingly bundled into an 850sq ft mansion. So here's the part that you can't share. Like, don't tell my family, and especially my wife, but as I look at our family I get a strong feeling that God is not done adding to our numbers. Shhh. We are not having any more kids, just to make that clear. Took care of that with scissors/Morena, but I just have had this funny feeling about our flock increasing. So....like every other part of life I will wait, and wait, and see what God does. I will be busy in the waiting, but alas, I will wait to see how God continues to use us. The end for now.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
I am tired
Tired of being used. Although God is using me, so is she. And I'm tired. Tired of the fight. Tired of the struggle. I don't want to keep going. Can I stop? I know I can't, but still I ask. I want off this crazy train.
How do I get refreshed n re-energized? So full of anger. Guess I expected too much from recent heart change, expected spiritual change to change rest of life. Spiritual transformation came so quick, other changes seem to be so slow to come or never to come. I just can't handle going around in circles any more. Where's commitment? Where are the things God has told her to do? What about that?
God, what's next? How do I continue on this journey in a positive way? Don't feel I can represent you, much less even be someone she should be around. I am really in the dumps. I am worn out. Top of previous page in my journal says "must be more concerned about God's will than our own good". How do I get back to there? I was all about that for soo long. Where'd I go wrong? How did my time with You get so lost? I am working on it. How long will it take to get back to caring for her? To want to help again? I know I still care or it wouldn't hurt so bad.
God,
I know I'm revealing hurts here for the whole world to see. Sometimes we just have to do that. To get prayer. To show pain. Imperfectness. I don't have it all figured out, not sure I have any of it figured out. I'm glad I'm not in control. You are in control God. You chose me for this mission. You know my pain, you know the end of the story. O God, help me. Be with me daily. Teach me. Strengthen me. Teach my heart. Prepare my heart once again to know the love that you have for her. Thank you God, amen.
How do I get refreshed n re-energized? So full of anger. Guess I expected too much from recent heart change, expected spiritual change to change rest of life. Spiritual transformation came so quick, other changes seem to be so slow to come or never to come. I just can't handle going around in circles any more. Where's commitment? Where are the things God has told her to do? What about that?
God, what's next? How do I continue on this journey in a positive way? Don't feel I can represent you, much less even be someone she should be around. I am really in the dumps. I am worn out. Top of previous page in my journal says "must be more concerned about God's will than our own good". How do I get back to there? I was all about that for soo long. Where'd I go wrong? How did my time with You get so lost? I am working on it. How long will it take to get back to caring for her? To want to help again? I know I still care or it wouldn't hurt so bad.
God,
I know I'm revealing hurts here for the whole world to see. Sometimes we just have to do that. To get prayer. To show pain. Imperfectness. I don't have it all figured out, not sure I have any of it figured out. I'm glad I'm not in control. You are in control God. You chose me for this mission. You know my pain, you know the end of the story. O God, help me. Be with me daily. Teach me. Strengthen me. Teach my heart. Prepare my heart once again to know the love that you have for her. Thank you God, amen.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
It was the year 2012, the year everything changed....again.
2012 started off in January. Can you believe that? Our year started off with a bang as we were asked to step down from youth leadership. As best as I can surmise, Chris had shared with some people much of the abuse she suffered as a child (with no counseling), and I shared with someone high in the church how I felt I was growing spiritually at a faster rate than Chris (which was causing difficulty in our marriage), the end result of which is they felt we might self destruct at some point and hurt those we were in ministry for. Then they told us we should attend Heartchange and go from there. We did attend HC another 6mos later and the church was gracious enough to provide for our hotel for 3 nights. The message I received from the church was you are broken and we don't want to invest in you but just go to this seminar and you'll get fixed. Right, wrong, or other, this is the message I heard. We tried to get into a couple of different HC workshops but with work and school for Chris and 3 kids to get sitting for a total of four days for, it took til mid July before we were able to attend.
In the time leading up to HC my spiritual life took a nosedive. I felt more and more hurt and had little support spiritually. I began to question everything about myself. Why was I not good enough to serve? What was so wrong with me? By the time July came around, I had come to a point where I was not spending time with God anymore. I had no desire to attend HC but knew if I didn't that some 20 years later might come to the place God wanted me and discover that I could have arrived all those years ago if I'd just attended HC. By the way, Heartchange is a four day workshop. I like to call it a four day spiritual boot camp, where you learn to heal hurts and so much more. It's totally free, yet priceless. At the end of day 3, I stood up in front of everyone and said "I'm not ready for change, and I'm not going to change, but God is in control and He knows what He's doing. Ironically, this was the catalyst for God changing me. Then the very last thing that happened on day 4 was someone whispering in my ear "the intimacy you are searching for with God, you already have." This totally transformed my life. These 38 people who finished with me are my family now. I would share anything with them.
Moving forward into August, we kept in contact with as many participants as possible. One of the people we didn't get to know very well was Taniesha. She was a 20yr old girl who was 6mos or so pregnant. As the days and weeks went by, she started calling Chris and talking about her life so a few weeks after HC we went up and spent several hours with her. During this time, Chris blurted out, we'll give you a place to live, then looked at me, and I was like, yeah, we could do that. Taniesha was born into an abusive family and at 4-5 yrs old was removed and put into foster care where she was bounced from home to home til the age of 8. Some of these homes were good and some were abusive. At 8 she was adopted by a Christian family, and though I hate to speak of things I only know from second hand info, I can say that they have been very hard on her, very critical, and abusive in some of the ways they treat her in the time we've known her. In the middle of August she came to live with us. From the day she came to us, she has not been a visitor but family. She is our daughter. Now, we can't legally adopt her being 21, but God has brought us together as family and who am I to argue.
When HC started, Taniesha referred to her baby as it, then God met with her and she bonded with the baby and by weekends end, was looking forward to adopting her out but being involved in the baby's life still. After moving in with us, the adoption work continued until one day she announced that God wanted her to keep baby, and would we help her? The answer was yes of course. I felt so blessed to be in that hospital room, to go through the process of labor with her, to be a part of this new life.
I knew going into this that I had no idea what I was getting into, that there was going to be a lot that I didn't know, but I had no idea. Figured I could see some of the rock above the water and that there would be more below the surface, but what I found out by the end of the year showed me that the rock below the surface extended exponentially. There is so much that I am not going to share here, but over Christmas break she had a guy friend come down to visit. Chris picked him up Christmas evening and he stayed four days, leaving each night to stay with a friend. When he arrived they weren't even dating, and by the third night, he asked my permission to marry her. I will say that this was the easiest to deal with thing that happened thru New Years day and the rest was more difficult than I could possibly have ever imagined.
So this year started off with difficulty, ended with difficulty, and in the middle was filled with so many God moments. I would not trade this last year for anything. So, skipping forward a few weeks into 2013, my precious daughter Taniesha has just rededicated her life to God and is feverishly working to deal with her past, and put her current into the past, and begin a new life with God.
I know I left so much out and I'm getting sick and my mind is a little spacy right now so I really hope I don't read this later and regret bunches left out or some put in but I'm pretty sure that this does not really adequately express all I want to convey.
In the time leading up to HC my spiritual life took a nosedive. I felt more and more hurt and had little support spiritually. I began to question everything about myself. Why was I not good enough to serve? What was so wrong with me? By the time July came around, I had come to a point where I was not spending time with God anymore. I had no desire to attend HC but knew if I didn't that some 20 years later might come to the place God wanted me and discover that I could have arrived all those years ago if I'd just attended HC. By the way, Heartchange is a four day workshop. I like to call it a four day spiritual boot camp, where you learn to heal hurts and so much more. It's totally free, yet priceless. At the end of day 3, I stood up in front of everyone and said "I'm not ready for change, and I'm not going to change, but God is in control and He knows what He's doing. Ironically, this was the catalyst for God changing me. Then the very last thing that happened on day 4 was someone whispering in my ear "the intimacy you are searching for with God, you already have." This totally transformed my life. These 38 people who finished with me are my family now. I would share anything with them.
Moving forward into August, we kept in contact with as many participants as possible. One of the people we didn't get to know very well was Taniesha. She was a 20yr old girl who was 6mos or so pregnant. As the days and weeks went by, she started calling Chris and talking about her life so a few weeks after HC we went up and spent several hours with her. During this time, Chris blurted out, we'll give you a place to live, then looked at me, and I was like, yeah, we could do that. Taniesha was born into an abusive family and at 4-5 yrs old was removed and put into foster care where she was bounced from home to home til the age of 8. Some of these homes were good and some were abusive. At 8 she was adopted by a Christian family, and though I hate to speak of things I only know from second hand info, I can say that they have been very hard on her, very critical, and abusive in some of the ways they treat her in the time we've known her. In the middle of August she came to live with us. From the day she came to us, she has not been a visitor but family. She is our daughter. Now, we can't legally adopt her being 21, but God has brought us together as family and who am I to argue.
When HC started, Taniesha referred to her baby as it, then God met with her and she bonded with the baby and by weekends end, was looking forward to adopting her out but being involved in the baby's life still. After moving in with us, the adoption work continued until one day she announced that God wanted her to keep baby, and would we help her? The answer was yes of course. I felt so blessed to be in that hospital room, to go through the process of labor with her, to be a part of this new life.
I knew going into this that I had no idea what I was getting into, that there was going to be a lot that I didn't know, but I had no idea. Figured I could see some of the rock above the water and that there would be more below the surface, but what I found out by the end of the year showed me that the rock below the surface extended exponentially. There is so much that I am not going to share here, but over Christmas break she had a guy friend come down to visit. Chris picked him up Christmas evening and he stayed four days, leaving each night to stay with a friend. When he arrived they weren't even dating, and by the third night, he asked my permission to marry her. I will say that this was the easiest to deal with thing that happened thru New Years day and the rest was more difficult than I could possibly have ever imagined.
So this year started off with difficulty, ended with difficulty, and in the middle was filled with so many God moments. I would not trade this last year for anything. So, skipping forward a few weeks into 2013, my precious daughter Taniesha has just rededicated her life to God and is feverishly working to deal with her past, and put her current into the past, and begin a new life with God.
I know I left so much out and I'm getting sick and my mind is a little spacy right now so I really hope I don't read this later and regret bunches left out or some put in but I'm pretty sure that this does not really adequately express all I want to convey.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)