my family

This is about my family, not about the show my family which is really funny and much more entertaining than my family.  My wife Christina is almost 4 years younger than I.  Taniesha is the oldest kid at 21.  We adopted her in God (too old to adopt legally) into our family Aug '12 at the ripe old age of 20 while roughly 7 mos pregnant.  Next is Joe Hill at 20.  He is my one child from my first marriage and I haven't had contact with him since he was about 1 yr old.  Next is Anthony at 11, then Joshua at 9, and finally Ashtin, she's a ripe old 7 yrs of age.  Of course, there's also Emma, daughter of Taniesha, and the family project.  Of course daddy, i mean grandpa gets her most of the time, but everybody takes turns (not with diapers).  We were determinately done with kids after Ashtin, however God has/had other plans.  So here we are with our wonderful family of 7 all lovingly bundled into an 850sq ft mansion.  So here's the part that you can't share.  Like, don't tell my family, and especially my wife, but as I look at our family I get a strong feeling that God is not done adding to our numbers.  Shhh.  We are not having any more kids, just to make that clear.  Took care of that with scissors/Morena, but I just have had this funny feeling about our flock increasing.  So....like every other part of life I will wait, and wait, and see what God does.  I will be busy in the waiting, but alas, I will wait to see how God continues to use us.  The end for now.

I am tired

     Tired of being used.  Although God is using me, so is she.  And I'm tired.  Tired of the fight.  Tired of the struggle.  I don't want to keep going.  Can I stop?  I know I can't, but still I ask.  I want off this crazy train.

     How do I get refreshed n re-energized?  So full of anger.  Guess I expected too much from recent heart change, expected spiritual change to change rest of life.  Spiritual transformation came so quick, other changes seem to be so slow to come or never to come.  I just can't handle going around in circles any more.  Where's commitment?  Where are the things God has told her to do?  What about that?

     God, what's next?  How do I continue on this journey in a positive way?  Don't feel I can represent you, much less even be someone she should be around.  I am really in the dumps.  I am worn out.  Top of previous page in my journal says "must be more concerned about God's will than our own good".  How do I get back to there?  I was all about that for soo long.  Where'd I go wrong?  How did my time with You get so lost?  I am working on it.  How long will it take to get back to caring for her?  To want to help again?  I know I still care or it wouldn't hurt so bad.

God,
     I know I'm revealing hurts here for the whole world to see.  Sometimes we just have to do that.  To get prayer.  To show pain.  Imperfectness.  I don't have it all figured out, not sure I have any of it figured out.  I'm glad I'm not in control.  You are in control God.  You chose me for this mission.  You know my pain, you know the end of the story.  O God, help me.  Be with me daily.  Teach me.  Strengthen me.  Teach my heart.  Prepare my heart once again to know the love that you have for her.  Thank you God, amen.