I went to bed and curled up fetal like, I wanted to admit myself to a psychiatric place and remain in that position forever. The cause of my condition unknown in those moments. I wondered what would I feel in the morning. There was little relief with daylight. Relief would require a why. Why was I self destructing? Like a great train wreck that continues to pile car upon car was me inside. Outside completely normal.
When I finally came to enough to realize how late it was I heard Chris tell a kid we weren't going to church. We had just gotten up to late. I needed to go to church. I needed to connect. Although I knew the chance of any real connection happening was slim, I needed to go. After getting a Coke and Haagen-Dazs on the way I managed to show up just over an hour late.
I didn't get any miracle connection. I did talk to people for quite a while and then bumped into an old friend at Goodwill, but there is this. We have this wonderful analogy of a cup. We meet with God, He fills the cup, we pour out into others, meet with God and He refills. We repeat forever til we leave earth. I think God showed me something else cause that didn't fit the right now. Imagine a machine where something is fed in, like fabric. So there is a big hand crank and as you turn it rollers on top and bottom feed the fabric in. Now at the other end after the machine has done it's work the fabric leaves the machine. I am the machine, the fabric is what God has put in. Something on the other end has happened though. The fabric has not been allowed to come out and go to the people it is meant to be for. The handle continues to turn and feed more in but now the insides become all jammed up and it is hard to turn. Realizing this, the handle is turned the other way, but this creates further jamming as things are not meant to go this way. Now the inside of the machine, of me, is a jumbled mess. From the outside it is fine. The hum of the machine's motor continues on day after day, all appears well. Inside is, as the conductor would say, chaos and delays. (Thomas the Train reference).
Where do things go from here? Well, probably not an asylum, maybe not anyway. Today has been something else. Complete and total freedom from every obligation my life normally holds. No worries whatsoever of the kids, no time needed to be home, no dinner or laundry or bike stuff or car repairs. No demand on me whatsoever. I do not remember another day like this. God is so good. Surely one day this will make sense. It will be relevant to another time, to another me, further down the path. For now though I've got to listen to the still small voice when He says to get involved where I have said no before. I must act. I must do something. I have an idea. Something that has been a recurring thought. I think i will finally have to step out and just do it. I think it is time to join this group, not as leader, but as just one small piece. Oh Lord be with me. Help me to move.
I know the end of this is pretty vague, please forgive me for that. I'm a really messed up guy yet God still has work for me to do. People for me to reach. I hope you think that is cool. I'm still hurting a lot. I don't know what comes next. I don't know if everything will be better next week or if next year I'll be a disaster still. I want things to be better but really not sure if I'm ready to make the choices for things to change.
As usual, thank you for reading. May your journey be amazing and filled with God's love. God bless.
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