God holds me

     It's amazing how God speaks into my life. Today at church a guy I really respect said he enjoys reading my blog. Sometimes I feel like I have to write, if I dont get it out I'll explode, the rest of the time I wonder if there's any purpose. If anyone cares at all. I've settled for myself anyways that my writing is mostly for me and if you get something out of it that's an amazing bonus. So to get a compliment and be told to keep doing it is really special to me.

     So this guy, I'll just call him David to make this easier, really impresses me. He has a natural gift for young people and has followed this into ministry. I have seen him grow so much in the last few years. This is doubly impressive because only from a distance do I get to observe him. In his speech and action I see a depth of intimacy with God.

     I wish I was consistent in my life. I would kill to have an insatiable hunger for God 24/7. Not having looked at dates it seems a while since the last blog post. This is a form of evidence of consistency lacking. When close to God He stirs my heart so there is much to share. Maybe David talking to me is God saying get with it Jethro. Get out of neutral and into gear. Any gear, just get moving.

     I remember a boss I had years ago. She was frustrated by my inconsistency. I was really good at this job. On any given day I was a rock star. I could out drive anyone on the forklift, out pick anyone on the order picker, I could see the whole operation as if it was in my hand. Other days however, boredom or not caring or I don't know what and I didn't even meet production. She just couldn't understand. Heck, I couldn't understand. I still don't. It's one of those things I've come to look at through the lens of my creator though. That's the only comfort I can find. God created me, He made me this way. That's not an excuse for me to quit trying to be better. It is a place where I know God does not condemn me for my low times but stretches out His hand and with His index finger beckons me forward. He calls me to Himself, over and over and over.

You know what else is amazing? Somehow, some way, in my low times, in my times of rebellion, or dark times, God grows me. God grows our relationship, deepens our intimacy. I believe that is what intimacy is; a intimate knowing that my failings do not take Him away from me. That as I turn around He is right there and we continue on together. There is no need to rehash my failure. There may be need for forgiveness, but all is new. I am clean, I am forgiven, we are good.

     I have wasted so much time in my life with condemnation, with self criticism. Feeling so guilty for every time of failing. Instead of continuing on in growth this is just a spinning of the wheels. Often sliding backward. This is not how God wants us. This is the antithesis of relationship. This is me by myself hating myself. God is not in it. He wants to be in it. In the good and the bad. No relationship is only about good.

     I thank God that He comes after me. He comes after you. He pursues us violently. He moved heaven and earth to be with us. He still moves heaven and earth for us. Will you accept that? Have you accepted that? It's ok if you haven't. God is still chasing you. He will never stop. He will never tire. He loves you, He loves me. Our purpose is to seek Him yet it is He who seeks us.

     If you don't know this intimacy. If you are still chasing.  If you are still spinning. You need to stop looking for the answers. Stop looking for solutions to your search. Just stop. Ask God. If you don't know Him. I don't know who you are or if you exist so prove it to me. Prove you exist. I cannot find that place of intimacy with you God so you have to do it for me. He will answer. He will not do it how you expect. He will not do it in the time you want or need. Just give up and let God do it though. God's got this. God has got you. He has got me too and that's the thing that keeps me going. He holds it all.