I like to be right and/or I like to win. But I don't always win. Sometimes I put maximum effort into something and get everything I'm after. Other times I put the same effort in and get plowed. Lately I've been feeling down. It's not like things have changed, have gotten worse than normal or that other times are better than normal, I don't really know why I'm down.
Life seems to have rhythms. Science says we have rhythms or cycles to our lives, circadian rhythms I believe they're called. I think this is important to understand in relation to our walk with God. In my marriage I have seen this at work. I give a certain level of love and care but don't always get the same response. One time I get googly eyes and tender looks and another time it's meh!, with the same input. I'm bumping in to the inconsistency of her humanity. She likewise gets similar inconsistent response from me. Whether it's these rhythms or the type of food recently eaten or the weather and temperature or stress from work or kids, all of these things impact my life. So, having a grasp on this, why do I fail miserably applying this same understanding to my life with God? God is never changing, never moving. I on the other hand am a leaf on the wind. I do my best to drop anchor, plant roots deep in God's soil, but I think at best I am anchored like a kite. Some days gale force winds toss me like a rag doll. Others days blue skies with no breeze make me feel solid as a rock.
I don't know about you but I beat myself up a lot. Am I doing my best for God? Is He pleased with me? I compare myself to others, I compare myself to myself. Last week I was doing remarkable, felt so close to God, but this week. Sheesh! Can I just throw in the towel and start again after a long nap?
I don't think it is just me. When I look around at the battles people are fighting, it's like wow. Struggles that should just melt with truth but years later are still being fought. I know we say let go and let God but I don't think most know how to. Maybe the first step is to stop beating ourselves up over our daily performance. God doesn't count our minutes of prayer or how many chapters we read of His word each day. What God is after can't be measured. He is after you and me.
The apostle Paul couldn't give God everything. He said what he wanted to do he didn't do and what he didn't want to do, this he did. We sing "I Surrender All", yet not one of us can ever give God everything. Not King David, not mother Theresa, no one but Jesus. So why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to perform? To do what we cannot do? To do what we were not created to do in this life? To do what God does not expect of us? Somehow I don't even blink when my expectations of marriage or friendship are broken but lose it when I think my life lets God down. Why is that? Why do I need to measure everything? If I can't quantify it does God count it? I know the answer. I know it. So why do I keep measuring?
Like I said earlier I think this is the key. When we begin to rest in God. As I have come to understand that I am good enough. God is not measuring my performance, He is connecting with my heart. That connection is all He is after. The little bit I can give is enough for Him. But even that is not measured. It is just the act of connecting. It is all Him. Nothing I do. Now I can move past me. I can begin to explore the infinite vastness of my infinite God. When I fail, He pulls my heart back to His and we're good again. I don't need to perform. I am good. His goodness makes me good when I come to Him. Don't get hung up on that word good. Holiness or righteousness could substitute. I am pure. Not for what I do but what He does. What He has already done. I need only accept it.
NOW, I can move in His power. I can be Jesus to others because I am not stuck in my smallness. What I can or cannot do is no longer an issue, it is what He can do.
I know this is the issue because I hear it over and over again. I hear Christians including myself using the I pronoun way too much. I feel this. I did this. I didn't do this. I failed again yesterday. I can't get over his words. I can't believe what she did to me. The message is never what I need to hear. I am not growing at this church. Why me? What did I do? The Christian so focused on I is a powerless person. A paralyzed believer. So where does this I, me me me mentality come from?
Isn't this what we see right off the bat after the fall in the garden? Shame? Adam and Eve hide their nakedness, they hide from God. Shame is I'm not good enough to look at. I'm not worthy. Isnt this IT? In some form or another the root lie that we all believe about ourselves? I'm not good enough. I'm unworthy. I'm unlovable. Too broken, too far gone. Me, me, me, still.
When we uncover our own root lie and shine God's truth on it we allow ourselves to be loved by God. God loves us fully already but we cannot receive it. But....now we can. Now we can learn to live in love. To recognize shame and shine God's light deep in to it's core. To remove Satan's deepest lie and insert God's deepest truth. Now the love God has been pouring upon us is no longer shed by our walls. Now God's love pours into us, fills us up, blows us apart. It is shed upon every person around us. We begin to grow true fruit because we no longer plant. God's love digs and tenderly plants, lovingly holding and embracing the new growth, nurturing it to maturity. It is no longer me but God in me and thru me. I am His and He is mine.
Now, now I am no longer record keeping prayer time and scripture reading as a way to God's presence. I am in His presence at all times. Scripture is another way to commune with my friend and Father. Prayer grows me more deeply rooted, connects me more intimately with my lover.
I do not claim to have this all mastered. I know it in some way but am yet becoming it, will continue becoming it until I see my Savior, my King, my Lover, my Friend, my Counselor, my Father, and in that instant I shall be entirely His and He shall be entirely mine. Oh man, I don't know what that will be like but it is both terrifying and amazing at once. Terrifying because I don't like to let go of myself. Amazing because all things shall be made perfect. My shame gone. Fear gone. Fully worthy, fully loved. Imagine that!
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