God I find this life with you so easy but it's a trap. As the hours and minutes of the days pass by, this conversation so effortlessly flows between me and you. It's that lack of effort that is both the sign of my maturity in you and my death if I stay there. I have fought and struggled to find a place of intimacy with you. I have read scripture for hours and prayed as long as I could. I have fasted from scripture and taken no formal time for prayer. Through it all you have led me to this peaceful place.
Yet in this place of peace I'm becoming aware of another great threat. Yesterday in my thoughts I began to desire the mountain top experience. You led me away from that God. You told me that although those experiences are good, I cannot live there. Living there for me builds a fine network of roots, but they are near the surface. You took me away from all the noise, from the emotional charges that thrust me toward you.
In the quiet place you met me. You allowed my doubts and fears to surface. All around seems to be chaos. How can things be as they are if there is a loving all powerful God above them? Why would a god let that happen? It doesn't make sense to me.
You have shown me the answers, given me wisdom and knowledge and understanding. Yet none of that can quench this burning why in my mind. My heart desperately yearns to see more than glimpses of you in a world on fire. Thousands of years ago Solomon came to the same place. He said it was all meaningless, a blowing of the wind. I know that it is not. You are working every detail of your master plan. That understanding though does not quench my spirit.
Then it is that you turn me in. You show me that truth that is without defense. I am not who I was. I am yet a wretched man, but far from the wretch I would be without you. You saved me, remade me. You continue to remake me. How crazy is it that the greatest proof I have of God is me?
God, you are crazier than I will ever be. You created man and set him free in this amazing world. There really are no strings attached in this life. But for the life ahead, that is a whole other matter. How can you allow man such freedom knowing he will screw it up? I get it. Reason and logic answer that for me. I can look at the "big" picture and answer it. But that doesn't settle my heart God.
One of the scariest verses in the Bible says that those you have called you have also chosen. Together with wide is the road to hell and many are those who take it (Rough Jethro's memory versions). I look at this and conclude that God created a bunch of people for hell. This sounds eerily like what someone who's left faith for atheism would say. But not this dude. Over and over again God uses my questions to strengthen my foundation in Him. I see what He has done in my life and there is no other explanation but the working of thee master craftsman. I am so thankful you have chosen me God. So thankful.
And now I must look to be more deliberate in my time with you God. Conversation throughout my day must also be met with more times of intentionalness Or intentionality. As I have grown with you, you have taken me through many different ways of meeting together. Change is the constant in this life and change again it is.
Ahhh, so now the rabbit trail that took me so far from where I started many paragraphs ago has returned. Starting to feel I should have named this blog "the rabbit trail."
Monday, February 23, 2015
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
I had an affair
That's not just a catchy title but maybe not exactly what you're thinking.
Gosh, where to start. I was most attracted to my wife because she would fight with me. Not so much physically (although we did go over the back of a friends couch while wrestling) but she would spar verbally and never give up easy. We were not what anyone would have said a match made in heaven (God does have higher plans than ours) but fighting became a lifestyle. People took bets on us lasting only days up to maybe a month or so. Nobody gave us a chance. We thought we were indestructible. Gonna show em all. It turns out we did, but it was a long hard road.
Chris didn't work for the first two years and we fought about that all the time. Then she got a job which happened to last 10 years, I've never come close to that. Toward the end of the 90s I got the best job I've ever had. She was working graveyard and I worked 4:30-1:00am. We barely saw each other. Now don't get me wrong, we had a lot of good times together, not just a bunch of fights, but during this time things were rough.
The crew I worked with became like family. We went bowling or to the bar on Friday nights. There were 13 of us in my immediate crew and I was good friends with many. Then there was her. We talked and talked. She became my lifeline for all things in life, the good and especially the bad. All the things I should have been confiding in my wife now went to her. She became my cheerleader. My sounding board. Emotionally I went to her for nearly everything. Things were so rough at home when I tried to talk to my wife. Everything I did or said was wrong. The fact she knew something more was wrong just added to tensions.
If you are not familiar with the term, this is called an "emotional affair". Had it not been for her conviction of some sort it would have certainly turned into sex. I thank God often as I feel He protected me. Chris has said she would rather it have been physical than emotional. In any case it was bad and I don't recommend you try it. Not really a marriage builder.
Gosh, where to start. I was most attracted to my wife because she would fight with me. Not so much physically (although we did go over the back of a friends couch while wrestling) but she would spar verbally and never give up easy. We were not what anyone would have said a match made in heaven (God does have higher plans than ours) but fighting became a lifestyle. People took bets on us lasting only days up to maybe a month or so. Nobody gave us a chance. We thought we were indestructible. Gonna show em all. It turns out we did, but it was a long hard road.
Chris didn't work for the first two years and we fought about that all the time. Then she got a job which happened to last 10 years, I've never come close to that. Toward the end of the 90s I got the best job I've ever had. She was working graveyard and I worked 4:30-1:00am. We barely saw each other. Now don't get me wrong, we had a lot of good times together, not just a bunch of fights, but during this time things were rough.
The crew I worked with became like family. We went bowling or to the bar on Friday nights. There were 13 of us in my immediate crew and I was good friends with many. Then there was her. We talked and talked. She became my lifeline for all things in life, the good and especially the bad. All the things I should have been confiding in my wife now went to her. She became my cheerleader. My sounding board. Emotionally I went to her for nearly everything. Things were so rough at home when I tried to talk to my wife. Everything I did or said was wrong. The fact she knew something more was wrong just added to tensions.
If you are not familiar with the term, this is called an "emotional affair". Had it not been for her conviction of some sort it would have certainly turned into sex. I thank God often as I feel He protected me. Chris has said she would rather it have been physical than emotional. In any case it was bad and I don't recommend you try it. Not really a marriage builder.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Jack in the Box II
Jack-in-the-Box part deux
In case you missed part one, I was looking at my daughters jack in the box as a metaphor for the world. Jesus is on the inside but most don't know.
While the majority are taking the wide road, those that can only see the outside of the box, there are a handful who can see inside the box. While I doubt any of us see a clown, it's a sure bet that each of us have a differing view of the man inside. Our view of the God-man and His daddy is a source of much contention and discussion. It seems we like to spend much too much time on these things that matter little and not nearly enough time on what matters much.
While the majority are taking the wide road, those that can only see the outside of the box, there are a handful who can see inside the box. While I doubt any of us see a clown, it's a sure bet that each of us have a differing view of the man inside. Our view of the God-man and His daddy is a source of much contention and discussion. It seems we like to spend much too much time on these things that matter little and not nearly enough time on what matters much.
What does matter is that as we get closer to God the walls of that box get thinner and thinner. I like to think of this world as veiled from heaven. When I spend time with God the veil gets more transparent. Things around begin to take on more of a spiritual nature. We battle not against flesh and blood but spiritual matters. I see this more and more. Just like the tide under the law is love, there is a tide under all things of this earth. That tide is either darkness of some sort (sin), or in some way shape or form God. I find this to be problematic at times because I start referring to everything in spiritual context. The rest of the world, no matter how Godly, does not necessarily want to be so Jesus freaky all the time. However, this is all semantics really. The important things are not the way we talk or the brand of church, not our clothes or aftershave, but just that we know there is a veil and that the real world is on the other side of it.
The music plays, the handle spins, and without warning the weasel pops. The box is gone. The world a memory. But this is the greatest thing ever. While the box may be drizzly one moment, there is victory the next. Loved ones left behind will not be forgotten but once in the embrace of Jesus nothing could tear us away. Everything is lit by the love of this man. For once nothing is lacking. Every part of me feels whole. I have no sadness. No insecurity. I can finally receive all the love Jesus is giving me. I am home.
Friday, February 13, 2015
The Jack in the Box
The Jack -in-the-box.
My daughter Emma has one of those toys. The music plays as the handle is turned round, suddenly and without warning the lid pops and the clown jumps at you. Hers is a newer version that is already worn out and barely pops up. They don't make them like they used to.
I was looking at it and thinking how our world is like the outside of that box. Every one in the world can see the outside of the box but few can see the inside. Our lives are a slow turning of the handle. Day to day plays "the daily grind", luling us slowly towards the grave. One day though, one day, Pop! Suddenly the box is gone. Not only the box, but all the world. All of it gone. One second rain drizzling down the clowns box and the next moment staring into the face of love, and He is a stranger. Sorry, he says, I don't know you. But don't you know everyone? I've held out my hand to you, he says; every day, all the years of your life, yet you refused me. I don't know you!
Suddenly angels appear around you. They are glowing, radiating from the love of Jesus. They begin to lead you away. Where are we going? Can't I stay with Him? Ive never felt such love. The angels are silent as they take you further. The only warmth of God's love you feel now is from the angels. A stark emptiness overtakes existence. In these eternally long few moments you understand that hell isn't fire and brimstone, hot pokers and such nonsense you saw in movies, but rather the emptiness in everything. The absolute nothingness with God's love removed. Feelings more empty than emptiness, loneliness beyond solitude, pain you never drempt engulfs. The ever increasing intensity of sheer hell, intensifying, more.......
My daughter Emma has one of those toys. The music plays as the handle is turned round, suddenly and without warning the lid pops and the clown jumps at you. Hers is a newer version that is already worn out and barely pops up. They don't make them like they used to.
I was looking at it and thinking how our world is like the outside of that box. Every one in the world can see the outside of the box but few can see the inside. Our lives are a slow turning of the handle. Day to day plays "the daily grind", luling us slowly towards the grave. One day though, one day, Pop! Suddenly the box is gone. Not only the box, but all the world. All of it gone. One second rain drizzling down the clowns box and the next moment staring into the face of love, and He is a stranger. Sorry, he says, I don't know you. But don't you know everyone? I've held out my hand to you, he says; every day, all the years of your life, yet you refused me. I don't know you!
Suddenly angels appear around you. They are glowing, radiating from the love of Jesus. They begin to lead you away. Where are we going? Can't I stay with Him? Ive never felt such love. The angels are silent as they take you further. The only warmth of God's love you feel now is from the angels. A stark emptiness overtakes existence. In these eternally long few moments you understand that hell isn't fire and brimstone, hot pokers and such nonsense you saw in movies, but rather the emptiness in everything. The absolute nothingness with God's love removed. Feelings more empty than emptiness, loneliness beyond solitude, pain you never drempt engulfs. The ever increasing intensity of sheer hell, intensifying, more.......
Monday, February 2, 2015
Astoria or bust, God is good.
God has blessed my family with grace. I am more in love with my wife than ever before.
Our 9-1/2 hour trip to Astoria that never made it was such an awesome time. Once upon a time we were so spontaneous. We would jump in the car and go. To the coast, to bend. We'd sleep in the car or on the beach or crash late at night in a campground.
So with four kids, 2, 9,11,&13, we decided spur of the Chris' brainstorm in the shower moment to head to Astoria 3hrs away and get some pictures with water for her photography class. Because of course there's no closer water. we jumped in the boat (93 Caprice wagon) and headed out bright and early at noon. After getting lunch and coffee we were off.
Being that both of us are gifted by God with great memory, we took 22 over and then cut up to Hebo and then to Tillamook. Once off of 22 the road cut back and forth with sharp corners and it's then we remembered this is where Josh got sick and barfed last time. We had decided then that we wouldn't take that route anymore. And we won't until the next time. Not wanting another incident, and no stores in sight, we kept our mouths shut and hoped for the best. Almost to Hebo, Ashtin and Tony let us know they were feeling woozy, then Josh chimed in to. We had them open their windows for fresh air, our savior for now but soon our hated enemy. Tillamook smelled like a sewage plant gone wrong. Having no sense of smell (maybe no sense at all) I was very sympathetic to their plight.
Cape Meares is a lighthouse outside of Tillamook with incredible views, picturesque sand,sea, sun, and trees. I think this was our fourth visit here and although I love Astoria, this was where we needed to be. Kids had their tablets so we all took pictures. Kind of fun to compare later. We laughed and played. No pressures no stress. I've never felt freer to laugh and enjoy our kids and ourselves.
I can't help but think how our family has grown closer, more tight knit as we have grown closer to God. Looking back it seems so clear. To me the parallel is unmistakeable.
Chris is in school a lot. Between work and school and homework she is a shadow of her former self. Yet here we are. Middle of her schooling, middle of Tony's asthma attack, and we are happy. More in love than ever. I would love to take credit for our happiness in the storm. Anyone who really knows me knows that I am naturally destructive. Corrosive to those closest to me. Were it not for the grace of God we would be a mess. I would be angry. Snip at the little things. Look for a fight. Where's mine, huh? When do I get what I deserve? When do I get to do what I want? When's the last time I got to build something? When do I get to be myself again?
By the grace of God though I want with all I am for Chris to be successful. I push her out the door. I know she wants more than anything to stop, to stay right here, to melt her me and kids together to never part. Not forever of course. That would be lunacy. But in this time, in this place, your part, your place, is to be out there. To do what you have to do for yourself. And for us. You make me so proud.
I am so blessed. Not because I have money or because God has given me everything I 'need'. I am blessed because I know the creator of the universe. Because He called me, because I called to Him. Because He loves me He gives me the desires of my heart. Because the desires of my heart are after His heart I get His best. Because He gives me the ability to follow when every part of me wants to run my own way. Because He takes the best of me and makes it better. Because He takes the worst of me and makes it better. I am living the dream.
One day I will step into the reality.
Our 9-1/2 hour trip to Astoria that never made it was such an awesome time. Once upon a time we were so spontaneous. We would jump in the car and go. To the coast, to bend. We'd sleep in the car or on the beach or crash late at night in a campground.
So with four kids, 2, 9,11,&13, we decided spur of the Chris' brainstorm in the shower moment to head to Astoria 3hrs away and get some pictures with water for her photography class. Because of course there's no closer water. we jumped in the boat (93 Caprice wagon) and headed out bright and early at noon. After getting lunch and coffee we were off.
Being that both of us are gifted by God with great memory, we took 22 over and then cut up to Hebo and then to Tillamook. Once off of 22 the road cut back and forth with sharp corners and it's then we remembered this is where Josh got sick and barfed last time. We had decided then that we wouldn't take that route anymore. And we won't until the next time. Not wanting another incident, and no stores in sight, we kept our mouths shut and hoped for the best. Almost to Hebo, Ashtin and Tony let us know they were feeling woozy, then Josh chimed in to. We had them open their windows for fresh air, our savior for now but soon our hated enemy. Tillamook smelled like a sewage plant gone wrong. Having no sense of smell (maybe no sense at all) I was very sympathetic to their plight.
Cape Meares is a lighthouse outside of Tillamook with incredible views, picturesque sand,sea, sun, and trees. I think this was our fourth visit here and although I love Astoria, this was where we needed to be. Kids had their tablets so we all took pictures. Kind of fun to compare later. We laughed and played. No pressures no stress. I've never felt freer to laugh and enjoy our kids and ourselves.
I can't help but think how our family has grown closer, more tight knit as we have grown closer to God. Looking back it seems so clear. To me the parallel is unmistakeable.
Chris is in school a lot. Between work and school and homework she is a shadow of her former self. Yet here we are. Middle of her schooling, middle of Tony's asthma attack, and we are happy. More in love than ever. I would love to take credit for our happiness in the storm. Anyone who really knows me knows that I am naturally destructive. Corrosive to those closest to me. Were it not for the grace of God we would be a mess. I would be angry. Snip at the little things. Look for a fight. Where's mine, huh? When do I get what I deserve? When do I get to do what I want? When's the last time I got to build something? When do I get to be myself again?
By the grace of God though I want with all I am for Chris to be successful. I push her out the door. I know she wants more than anything to stop, to stay right here, to melt her me and kids together to never part. Not forever of course. That would be lunacy. But in this time, in this place, your part, your place, is to be out there. To do what you have to do for yourself. And for us. You make me so proud.
I am so blessed. Not because I have money or because God has given me everything I 'need'. I am blessed because I know the creator of the universe. Because He called me, because I called to Him. Because He loves me He gives me the desires of my heart. Because the desires of my heart are after His heart I get His best. Because He gives me the ability to follow when every part of me wants to run my own way. Because He takes the best of me and makes it better. Because He takes the worst of me and makes it better. I am living the dream.
One day I will step into the reality.
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