24 years ago........19 years old. I had just finished my first year of college. A friend from a job a few years earlier set me up on a blind date with a friend if hers. If only time could be rewound. We didn't hit it off that night, I slept on my friends couch while the two of them had a slumber party or something upstairs. Doing what I thought I should do I got up early, went to the store and bought a rose (can't remember uf it was just one) and put it on the hand rail of the staircase and I think went back to sleep.
I had yet to round home base in my relational endeavors up to this point but that changed soon enough. We started talking on the phone hours at a time. Outside if work we were inseparable. She rented a place at the beach. I was trying to be a good boy and keep it in my pants so I resisted going. I just wasn't that strong.
After our weekend I was in love. I told my buddy I wanted to marry her. He begged me not to, said I wasn't thinking with the right brain. He had much more experience in this area. But I was determined. Within a day or two I proposed and she said yes. It is too simple a thing to make such a decision. Too easy to give away the rest of your life, there is no sacrifice in that. But the sacrifice must come.
We set a date in August, I asked her dad's permission, her mom slaved to put it all together, and my mom I think was beside herself, but excited. Six weeks after meeting we were married. The wedding night must have been magical because three weeks later she peed on the stick, and I was on cloud nine. She on the other hand didn't take it so well. I think she wanted her mommy.
This is speculation on my part, but I think her world came crashing down. She had been working since at least 15. Much of the time two jobs and some of that to help her parents. With me she was wild and free. She got to run and play and be a kid. But this rocked her to the core. Everything changed. One Friday night she told me she was leaving. We laid in bed that night and talked. It was the best time we'd spent together in a while. I hoped she would stay. The next day while at work she and her family packed up everything and she was gone. I tried desperately to get my boss to let me off but it was no use.
I went home that night, my world empty. Within a few weeks divorce papers arrived. I would have done anything, anything to put things back together. We fought and fought through lawyers, through the court. In the end all I wanted was time with my son and the wine glasses from the wedding.
One day my grandma called me with congratulations. What for grandma? She had seen the birth announcement in the paper. I didn't even know my son was born. I visited once or twice in the hospital and then they were gone.
Tuesday and Thursday nights were my visitation times. These visits were hell. I had no experience with babies. I always tried to take someone with me. My mom, dad, roommate, anyone for support. It was so uncomfortable that after a while nobody would go with. I went into enemy territory mostly alone. If Gracies place had been around back then, neutral turf visits, my son might have had his father. My solo visits outside her home were to begin at his one year and that's when the restraining order showed up. Claiming I was abusing him in her home, I had to take parenting classes or no more visits. No matter what I would never get him alone.
Not only were the visits hell on me and any who went with, but they were hell on my son. Babies are more sensitive to stress than adults and he would cry through most visits. Continuing with things the way they had been was not an option. I think I could have maybe taken the stress but I couldn't bear to see Joseph have to deal with that any more.
Just outside the elevator in the courthouse downtown, with my my mom and grandma and lawyer I said enough. With tears in my eyes I let him go from my life. Repeatedly they asked, are you sure? It's causing him more harm than good so I've got to let him go. And that was it. The papers were drafted, signatures signed, and life moved on. We have not been together since a week before his first birthday. Next month he'll be 23. He's married with a little boy a year younger than my little Emma.
I hope one day to introduce him to his brothers and sisters and to meet his family. To introduce myself to him and meet him for what will essentially be the first time. I know this may never happen but I hold hope. My wife hopes, my mom hopes, and my kids would be stoked to meet their older brother.
My wife is quite the snoop. The information I have about hime is from her snoopery. She managed to find him selling on Craigslist and went and met him. They casually hung out for over an hour. He and his mom both held my baby girl, his sister. Both my daughters were there. Nobody but Chris knew, didn't want the kids spilling it, she bought an old violin from him. It was the only time we've ever been able to help them in any way.
Although I regret much of that back then I certainly do not regret Joe being born. I regret making decisions not understanding the length of their implications. And I regret not being a part of his life. I think the desision to let him go was right. His life needed to move forward and so did mine. As Bruce Hornsby says, that's just the way it is.
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