My buddy was telling me a story the other day about a man who was separated from his wife and kids and then killed them and tried to get himself killed so they could all be together in heaven. He was able to kill himself a short time into his prison sentence. Terrible theology aside, I could see my friend was still quite affected by those events years ago, and still in some ways wished he could have truly made the man suffer or pay for the things he did. I reassured my friend that he was indeed paying a far greater price than we could levy against him. He agreed and that was kind of the end of it.
My immediate thought when confronted with the idea of he needing to be punished was that of God being the final judge. Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord, and that was good enough in the moment. But as I started driving home, I tried to picture what that might look like. Here's what I came up with.
After he died I think he met God. I think God pulled him in, wrapped His arms around him and held him tight. I can hear God say, my precious, precious child, how I love you. How I wish you had known my love in your life. I think in these brief moments this man instantly understood God's love. What that could have meant for his family and for himself. He fully understood his meaning and purpose on the earth, how he was meant to live, and the cavernous void that was instead his life. But more than anything, he understood that this God who now was not God, but simply Love, who had been holding him tight, was now letting him go to be taken to the place of eternal torment, where the weeping and gnashing of teeth would be his own. Where it has been his own for many years. Where these years probably seem like a million forevers to him.
No greater regret will there ever be.
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
The bumpy ride back to earth,aka,The Great Letdown.
The space shuttle is a complex vehicle. As it sits on earth the demands on it are very little. However, thousands upon thousands of man hours are spent working to ensure a smooth launch, a proper trajectory, dumping boosters, launching equipment in space, docking with the space station, and eventually re entry into earth's atmosphere.
Once home the shuttles job is pretty much finished. It will sit for extended periods of time serving little to no function. But to get it there is no easy task. If the correct speed and angle of re-entry into earth's atmosphere are not used the whole thing would turn into a large hunk of charcoal.
I am struggling to re-enter my life. There is no complex structure to it. I drive kids to and from school, make lunch, change diapers, maintain the house, and fiddle around in the shop. Most of which I could do when I was sick (when the pain was managed). I could not wait to get better and get back in to life. Now that it's here, seems there is not much to get back in to. Feels like the great let down.
The pain was so great that to get through it to the next period of peace was a big accomplishment. Now I look around and that same level of accomplishment is nowhere to be found. Just a feeling of disallusionment. Seems wrong somehow. I'm sure in no time at all I will readjust to the boringness of my life and all will be fine again. I think though it's time to get in the house and make sure all is good. Can't leave the minions alone too long.
Once home the shuttles job is pretty much finished. It will sit for extended periods of time serving little to no function. But to get it there is no easy task. If the correct speed and angle of re-entry into earth's atmosphere are not used the whole thing would turn into a large hunk of charcoal.
I am struggling to re-enter my life. There is no complex structure to it. I drive kids to and from school, make lunch, change diapers, maintain the house, and fiddle around in the shop. Most of which I could do when I was sick (when the pain was managed). I could not wait to get better and get back in to life. Now that it's here, seems there is not much to get back in to. Feels like the great let down.
The pain was so great that to get through it to the next period of peace was a big accomplishment. Now I look around and that same level of accomplishment is nowhere to be found. Just a feeling of disallusionment. Seems wrong somehow. I'm sure in no time at all I will readjust to the boringness of my life and all will be fine again. I think though it's time to get in the house and make sure all is good. Can't leave the minions alone too long.
When the darkness covers the source of the light, is there still light?
The last eleven days has been crazy. 3 trips to ER, one surgery, and hours and hours of pain. Got my first ambulance ride also. Seems like I dropped out of life. My life specifically came to a halt, but my wife and kids have missed out on quite a bit too.
The pain scale is from 1-10 with little smily or frowny or crying faces to illustrate. I added to mine because I felt there was pain up to 12 and even 14. I figure up to 10 is excruciating but still able to basic function. Able to walk, able to talk even if difficult. There were several times the pain dropped me to my knees, times I rocked and stiffened into contorted shapes. I couldn't even cry. It seemed crying would need an end and I didn't know if an end would come. An hour, six hours. I learned to expect the pain, to live with rocking and moaning, pulling at my hair, breathing so fast I couldn't breathe, filling my stomach with air causing more pain. We never could manage all my pain but came sorta close taking 3 Oxycodone every 3 hours. The doctor said the pain was probably inflammation. Today I passed a blockage so now I am dealing with only inflammation pain which seems manageable so far. Kidney stones. The ultimate torture device.
In everything in my life I look for the positive. Not so much God caused this to......fill in the blank, but more like this is happening, has happened, what good can be made out of it.
One thing is this; this experience is reshaping my empathy or lack of. Lots of people have kidney stones, they pass them, then move on with life. I have done this several times. But apparently this is not always the case. So what other things may happen to others that knock them off center? Things I may think are trivial but may be life altering to them. There are an infinite number of ways I can and do judge others. Even when I get it right I'm not sure that's a good thing.
Sunday was day 13 and still have struggled to manage pain. Took my last 2 oxycodone at 11 am when we got to church. As we sat there God presented Chris with Job. She didn't understand. Knowing Job lost everything she tossed that back at God. He said that indeed we hadn't lost everything but our lives had come to a complete stop with no indication of a time when things might get better. A type of hopelessness. My wife said "no amount of pain is going to shake our faith in God."
After service Sunday I was talking to a guy and he prayed for me, that was the last prescription pain medicine I've taken. But, that night as I was trying to sleep the pain started in again. I tried so hard to stay quiet, to not move around, to allow Chris to continue sleeping. It just hurt so bad. Finally, wanting to remain quiet I said in my head, Satan, you dumb bastard, pain will never shake my faith in God. Instantly the pain was gone. I've had some pain since but it has been manageable with Motrin.
I didn't fellowship or talk with God much this couple of weeks. Every time I'd start talking to God the questions would come out. Why me? Why now? Why so much pain? I don't believe in these questions for myself. And I mean that very specifically for myself. God is the same good, amazing God that He is when the sun is shining and my skin feels the warmth as when the clouds roll in and block the sun. The rains come, the lightening strikes, I feel wet to the bone, but God's love has not changed. I may not see it or feel it's warmth but His love has not moved. So for me to ask those questions in the storm is to question the goodness of God and I won't do that. I cannot stress enough that I am not advocating periods of rest from relationship with God. Please be as deep in relationship with God as you can and let your actions and your rests come out of that. Enough said I hope.
There will be darkness. How will you fair?
The pain scale is from 1-10 with little smily or frowny or crying faces to illustrate. I added to mine because I felt there was pain up to 12 and even 14. I figure up to 10 is excruciating but still able to basic function. Able to walk, able to talk even if difficult. There were several times the pain dropped me to my knees, times I rocked and stiffened into contorted shapes. I couldn't even cry. It seemed crying would need an end and I didn't know if an end would come. An hour, six hours. I learned to expect the pain, to live with rocking and moaning, pulling at my hair, breathing so fast I couldn't breathe, filling my stomach with air causing more pain. We never could manage all my pain but came sorta close taking 3 Oxycodone every 3 hours. The doctor said the pain was probably inflammation. Today I passed a blockage so now I am dealing with only inflammation pain which seems manageable so far. Kidney stones. The ultimate torture device.
In everything in my life I look for the positive. Not so much God caused this to......fill in the blank, but more like this is happening, has happened, what good can be made out of it.
One thing is this; this experience is reshaping my empathy or lack of. Lots of people have kidney stones, they pass them, then move on with life. I have done this several times. But apparently this is not always the case. So what other things may happen to others that knock them off center? Things I may think are trivial but may be life altering to them. There are an infinite number of ways I can and do judge others. Even when I get it right I'm not sure that's a good thing.
Sunday was day 13 and still have struggled to manage pain. Took my last 2 oxycodone at 11 am when we got to church. As we sat there God presented Chris with Job. She didn't understand. Knowing Job lost everything she tossed that back at God. He said that indeed we hadn't lost everything but our lives had come to a complete stop with no indication of a time when things might get better. A type of hopelessness. My wife said "no amount of pain is going to shake our faith in God."
After service Sunday I was talking to a guy and he prayed for me, that was the last prescription pain medicine I've taken. But, that night as I was trying to sleep the pain started in again. I tried so hard to stay quiet, to not move around, to allow Chris to continue sleeping. It just hurt so bad. Finally, wanting to remain quiet I said in my head, Satan, you dumb bastard, pain will never shake my faith in God. Instantly the pain was gone. I've had some pain since but it has been manageable with Motrin.
I didn't fellowship or talk with God much this couple of weeks. Every time I'd start talking to God the questions would come out. Why me? Why now? Why so much pain? I don't believe in these questions for myself. And I mean that very specifically for myself. God is the same good, amazing God that He is when the sun is shining and my skin feels the warmth as when the clouds roll in and block the sun. The rains come, the lightening strikes, I feel wet to the bone, but God's love has not changed. I may not see it or feel it's warmth but His love has not moved. So for me to ask those questions in the storm is to question the goodness of God and I won't do that. I cannot stress enough that I am not advocating periods of rest from relationship with God. Please be as deep in relationship with God as you can and let your actions and your rests come out of that. Enough said I hope.
There will be darkness. How will you fair?
Monday, October 5, 2015
Kidney stones and deeper faith. You want ONE of these things.
Saturday night I was laying in bed with pain that had started in the afternoon as a 5 or 6 but by 8 or 9 pm had graduated off the scale. I had been in the er Tuesday morning for excruciating pain, was drugged, prescribed, and sent home. Thursday night back in the er. Again drugged, prescribed, and sent home. Saturday night about 11 pm when I finally agreed for my wife to take me back in the pain was so severe I could barely move. I got out of car by er doors, she sped off to park, I fell to the ground and puked (got it in the bag). She quickly showed up, went to get nurse coming with wheel chair and I began slowly crawling toward door. I couldn't even stand.
Let's back up just a bit. It's somewhere between 9 and 10 pm Saturday night, I'm on my bed, hunched up on my knees and elbows, in pain so bad I don't know how to describe it. Chris finds me after putting kids to bed, not knowing the pain Ive been suffering. She begins asking me questions but my breathing is so quick I can't really talk. I pull my phone close and Youtube a Jeremy Riddle song. I get a 1hr worship set and begin screaming and crying out to my Lord. My singing must have sounded like the hounds of war. I cried out and gave my Savior all I had. He brought His mighty hand down and by the power of His angels did nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nada.
So now we're at the hospital. 3rd trip in 5 days. As per protocol and my best wishes they get me drugged up in a bit of time but the drugs just wont kill the pain. It is brought down quite a bit at times so once again they release me, best of luck sir, get well soon, goodbye. This time however, as soon as the iv is removed my pain comes back with a vengeance. I barely can get dressed with help and by the time I do I'm screaming and yelping in pain. Then someone came in and said they are prepping a room and keeping me overnight.
Sometime between Saturday night and Sunday morning they found my left kidney was blocked, got an or set up and put a stint in. As I understand it the stint keeps the passage open so all the debris blocking my kiney can now escape. It's painful to pee but no pain meds so far.
I begged and begged God to fix it, to remove my pain. I don't know why He didn't. But I do know if I hadn't continued to be in pain at the er Saturday night I would probably still be in that pain.
I don't know why God answered or didn't answer the way He did. But I do trust God. I can only see my little part but God is in the hearts and minds of everyone who was any part of this ordeal, which is not yet finished. I cried out to my God and my wife lay on the bed next to me crying and weeping. When I started singing in my pain she must have thought, what is this idiot doing? Then I asked her to pray for me. I've been praying! I've been praying! She said. I want to hear you. Was my response. She does not feel comfortable praying aloud but I would not relent. Something in me just had to hear her pray. I had to hear her talk to our God for me.
God is always for us. A new or a simple faith needs evidence, needs proof. A mature faith has seen the evidence and proofs of its younger self. It needs not live on those because it has grown deep in relationship with its creator. All of life's journey is for this deeper faith. A shallow faith might get you to heaven but what about now? Don't you want to experience the wonders of God now? I am chasing after an abundant life. The abundant life that Jesus said I should have. I have not arrived. I do not have it all so I am still chasing. I will never arrive completely on this side but I will continue to pursue, for that is my call. To come to know Christ in new and deeper ways.
Let's back up just a bit. It's somewhere between 9 and 10 pm Saturday night, I'm on my bed, hunched up on my knees and elbows, in pain so bad I don't know how to describe it. Chris finds me after putting kids to bed, not knowing the pain Ive been suffering. She begins asking me questions but my breathing is so quick I can't really talk. I pull my phone close and Youtube a Jeremy Riddle song. I get a 1hr worship set and begin screaming and crying out to my Lord. My singing must have sounded like the hounds of war. I cried out and gave my Savior all I had. He brought His mighty hand down and by the power of His angels did nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nada.
So now we're at the hospital. 3rd trip in 5 days. As per protocol and my best wishes they get me drugged up in a bit of time but the drugs just wont kill the pain. It is brought down quite a bit at times so once again they release me, best of luck sir, get well soon, goodbye. This time however, as soon as the iv is removed my pain comes back with a vengeance. I barely can get dressed with help and by the time I do I'm screaming and yelping in pain. Then someone came in and said they are prepping a room and keeping me overnight.
Sometime between Saturday night and Sunday morning they found my left kidney was blocked, got an or set up and put a stint in. As I understand it the stint keeps the passage open so all the debris blocking my kiney can now escape. It's painful to pee but no pain meds so far.
I begged and begged God to fix it, to remove my pain. I don't know why He didn't. But I do know if I hadn't continued to be in pain at the er Saturday night I would probably still be in that pain.
I feel like the rest of this is just religious mumbo jumbo tacked on at the end so if it helps you great. If it bothers you then don't read it.
I don't know why God answered or didn't answer the way He did. But I do trust God. I can only see my little part but God is in the hearts and minds of everyone who was any part of this ordeal, which is not yet finished. I cried out to my God and my wife lay on the bed next to me crying and weeping. When I started singing in my pain she must have thought, what is this idiot doing? Then I asked her to pray for me. I've been praying! I've been praying! She said. I want to hear you. Was my response. She does not feel comfortable praying aloud but I would not relent. Something in me just had to hear her pray. I had to hear her talk to our God for me.
God is always for us. A new or a simple faith needs evidence, needs proof. A mature faith has seen the evidence and proofs of its younger self. It needs not live on those because it has grown deep in relationship with its creator. All of life's journey is for this deeper faith. A shallow faith might get you to heaven but what about now? Don't you want to experience the wonders of God now? I am chasing after an abundant life. The abundant life that Jesus said I should have. I have not arrived. I do not have it all so I am still chasing. I will never arrive completely on this side but I will continue to pursue, for that is my call. To come to know Christ in new and deeper ways.
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