The last eleven days has been crazy. 3 trips to ER, one surgery, and hours and hours of pain. Got my first ambulance ride also. Seems like I dropped out of life. My life specifically came to a halt, but my wife and kids have missed out on quite a bit too.
The pain scale is from 1-10 with little smily or frowny or crying faces to illustrate. I added to mine because I felt there was pain up to 12 and even 14. I figure up to 10 is excruciating but still able to basic function. Able to walk, able to talk even if difficult. There were several times the pain dropped me to my knees, times I rocked and stiffened into contorted shapes. I couldn't even cry. It seemed crying would need an end and I didn't know if an end would come. An hour, six hours. I learned to expect the pain, to live with rocking and moaning, pulling at my hair, breathing so fast I couldn't breathe, filling my stomach with air causing more pain. We never could manage all my pain but came sorta close taking 3 Oxycodone every 3 hours. The doctor said the pain was probably inflammation. Today I passed a blockage so now I am dealing with only inflammation pain which seems manageable so far. Kidney stones. The ultimate torture device.
In everything in my life I look for the positive. Not so much God caused this to......fill in the blank, but more like this is happening, has happened, what good can be made out of it.
One thing is this; this experience is reshaping my empathy or lack of. Lots of people have kidney stones, they pass them, then move on with life. I have done this several times. But apparently this is not always the case. So what other things may happen to others that knock them off center? Things I may think are trivial but may be life altering to them. There are an infinite number of ways I can and do judge others. Even when I get it right I'm not sure that's a good thing.
Sunday was day 13 and still have struggled to manage pain. Took my last 2 oxycodone at 11 am when we got to church. As we sat there God presented Chris with Job. She didn't understand. Knowing Job lost everything she tossed that back at God. He said that indeed we hadn't lost everything but our lives had come to a complete stop with no indication of a time when things might get better. A type of hopelessness. My wife said "no amount of pain is going to shake our faith in God."
After service Sunday I was talking to a guy and he prayed for me, that was the last prescription pain medicine I've taken. But, that night as I was trying to sleep the pain started in again. I tried so hard to stay quiet, to not move around, to allow Chris to continue sleeping. It just hurt so bad. Finally, wanting to remain quiet I said in my head, Satan, you dumb bastard, pain will never shake my faith in God. Instantly the pain was gone. I've had some pain since but it has been manageable with Motrin.
I didn't fellowship or talk with God much this couple of weeks. Every time I'd start talking to God the questions would come out. Why me? Why now? Why so much pain? I don't believe in these questions for myself. And I mean that very specifically for myself. God is the same good, amazing God that He is when the sun is shining and my skin feels the warmth as when the clouds roll in and block the sun. The rains come, the lightening strikes, I feel wet to the bone, but God's love has not changed. I may not see it or feel it's warmth but His love has not moved. So for me to ask those questions in the storm is to question the goodness of God and I won't do that. I cannot stress enough that I am not advocating periods of rest from relationship with God. Please be as deep in relationship with God as you can and let your actions and your rests come out of that. Enough said I hope.
There will be darkness. How will you fair?
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