God sets up the best meetings.

     As I was driving my daughter to gymnastics I came across a young man holding a sign. He looked to be in his mid 20s and was looking for bus fare to Olympia. Gymnastics were across town so I went through my mental list of why it couldn't be us. My daughter will be late. I will miss out on the stores I frequent on my way home. What will Chris say about the money? How much is bus fare anyway? So I kept driving.

     As we were leaving the house I had checked the mail and was now staring at the book the mailman had delivered. The 9 Arts of Spiritual Conversations (walking alongside people who believe differently.) As I read those words I felt God kindly flicking his finger on the back of my conscience. I was reminded of this idea that we rush past those needing help so we can get to the church staff meeting on time. This book is a study on the 9 ways Jesus brought the good news to people in a natural, non threatening way. In case you wanted to know.

     Well I went back and picked him up. And Ashtin was late to gymnastics. And I did miss my stores. And my wife was ok with the money. God speaks to each of us in our own language. He soon spoke to me. We were heading across town when at a stop light I read the words on the rear window ahead of us. "I aim to misbehave". How cool is that? I said. That's from Serenity. I love that movie he said. Then he asked, did you ever see Firefly, the show before the movie? God spoke thru my favorite movie.

     We passed Teen Challenge. I said, that place is so cool. What is it he asked? Well it's just a thrift store but all the people who work there are in recovery. It's a one year program where they house you and teach job skills. By the time you get out you have skills enough to enter society and not relapse. I go to the methadone clinic he said. I have to go every morning. I think soon I won't have to go every day. That's how I make it.

     Told me he was a vet and we talked about many other things. I paid for his bus ticket and drove away thinking about all that had happened.

     This morning I stopped to get milk. I didn't get my usual cashier. She was one lane over but noticed I had Emma with me. When we were done we made our way to her register. She had one of those rare breaks with no customers. She asked if I'd found the Hotwheel she's looking for. Then she asked if we had stayed in the lodge at Crater Lake (I had my CL hoodie on.) She then began to tell me of her own trip there when she was young. How the transmission on her dad's new truck quit when they got there. How he was able to tow it home. She said he fixed it as tears started to appear. He could fix anything. It's all my fault! If I had called 911 faster he wouldn't have died. She's really working to hold back tears now. So your dad died soon after? Yes. It's been over 50 years and I still blame myself. If I had just called 911 sooner. I know it's not my fault. I know it, but I just can't believe it. As she points to her head and then her heart I say yeah, it's just those 12 inches. She said a friend was going to a conference on grief this Friday through her church but she has to work. I said I know a place. A place where we help you move those 12 inches from the head to heart.

     I don't know if she will go. I do know that God ordained this moment. I played my part for now. I don't know if my part is over in these two lives or if I have more to play but I pray Lord that I am ready. I pray Lord that you have your way. That they each get what they need from you.

     I more often than not fall when God says stand. I walk when He says run. I sit when He says walk. But He chose me and He is using me. Despite my failures and inconsistencies He still uses me. He still loves me. He says I choose you, still. Man, what a great God we serve.

     50 years! It keeps ringing in my head. Over 50 years and I still blame myself. Oh God, I can't wait til you give her peace. I can't wait until I see her on the other side of that grief. Do your thing God!!

Who am i?

     I have fought myself for many years. I stand in the mirror and throw punches. No, not really, but there are parts of me that have left me seriously questioning God. Ultra stubbornness and extreme inconsistency are maybe the two biggest.

     I fought God so long and hard. Like I wanted to give up and give all to Him but I just couldn't let myself do that. God I know your promises and I know your plans for me are good but I will not let go. I prayed, I screamed, I yelled. I may have even cussed. Why would God make me in such a way that would be counter to me being able to surrender? I just couldn't get it.

     And then there's the other one. I just love this. This is the greatest thing ever. What happened to that thing someone would ask. Oh, I dunno, just not that in to it anymore. It's only been a week. I know but I just don't care anymore. Or here's a real life example. I built a Coke light fixture for my kitchen. It's pretty cool, I mean everybody loves it. I bought some more materials, did somewhat of a cost analysis, and now it's like, meh, it's cool but I want to do something different. I have a product that's cool and I could sell for profit and I just can't do it cause I'm bored. Or my wife's college countdown thing. It's also cool and she would wait all week to see what the new numbers looked like but I'm bored with it and have not kept up for at least three weeks now.

     These two areas have wreaked havoc on my life for 44 years now. No more! I am not going to fight my weaknesses any more. In fact, they are probably not weak areas anyways. I am embracing them. I am looking at the direction I want to go and including them in my planning. If I build something and now the thrill is gone, oh well. It served it's purpose. If I need consistency in an area of ministry I will look for God to supply a person who can keep moving forward. To push me when I need pushed. To make phone calls I am unwilling to make them. Obviously life or God is not going to let me off the hook all the time. I will fail some. I will have to force myself ahead when it sucks. To the best of my ability I will not stop to demoralize myself when my design leads to my failure. God made me this way. I will move forward, forgive myself, and fix it. Do it different or not at all next time. I will learn and push forward with God's help. If not for Him why go anywhere? I want to follow you where ever you lead God and do the best that you know I can do for your will God. Lead me where you will. I am yours. Oh, and I almost forgot, well I did forget about stubbornness. Apparently that one works for God too. Like so many things that would have caused me doubt and worry before no longer do because I know what I have with God and nothing can break that. I will fight to the death and that would be victory. I will never let go of God, I just won't. That's me being stubborn. God is and will continue to put me in difficult places but I will not be shaken. Not simply because I will it, but because God placed a seemingly negative thing so deep within me that I can't give up even when I want to. So now that I've seen God use it it is amazing. It is a blessing.

     So many places I can wish I were different but it is my determination to use those things. And if possible to use them for the glory of God. I hope that you might take a new look at some of your negative places and try to see them differently. Or to ask God what He might want that in there for. Ask Him to reveal His purpose in that thing and then be patient. The answer might be a long time coming. Embrace yourself. Even those weird idiotic things that drive you crazy. Embrace them. If you have parts that make you feel like an outcast, know this. We all do. The same or different, you are not alone.

Does the words we use hurt our ability for closeness with God?

     If God is always with us then we can't really walk away from Him can we? I may stop talking to Him and live my life in complete ignorance of Him, but He's still right there. The importance of this is I never have to climb back to Him. He is always right there with me.

I've fallen away. I've walked away from God. I've fallen so far from God. I've backslidden. I've strayed too far from God. There are a lot more ways that we as Christians word this. One thing is constant. The space between us and God becomes greater. Theres just one problem with this. It is not possible. There is nothing we can do to make space between God and our person. No matter the graveness of your sin, you cannot move yourself away from God.

     I am becoming convinced this is the defining component of intimacy with the Creator. This is His unconditional love. No matter my failing He does not fail me. Nothing I do can separate me from the love of God. Believing this I no longer stress every detail. My devotional time does not have to be. I don't know how to finish that. It doesn't have to be any certain thing. Any certain period of time. Any certain day. All of my life is done with God. There isn't a separation of this part is God's and this is mine. It is all one. I don't want to sin against God but even if I do something greatly wrong, there is no space created between me and God. I feel bad. I feel sucky. I don't want to talk to God because I feel guilty, not worthy. My feelings lie to me. The truth is as soon as I confess it to God, it's gone. I'm as right as ever with God.

     Regardless of the reason, if I believe I've gotten further from God because of anything, I've got to close that distance once again. How terrible it is to feel I've created space between God and me. It may very well be that our language, our Christianology, is the cause of so many being unable to find closeness with God.