Who am i?

     I have fought myself for many years. I stand in the mirror and throw punches. No, not really, but there are parts of me that have left me seriously questioning God. Ultra stubbornness and extreme inconsistency are maybe the two biggest.

     I fought God so long and hard. Like I wanted to give up and give all to Him but I just couldn't let myself do that. God I know your promises and I know your plans for me are good but I will not let go. I prayed, I screamed, I yelled. I may have even cussed. Why would God make me in such a way that would be counter to me being able to surrender? I just couldn't get it.

     And then there's the other one. I just love this. This is the greatest thing ever. What happened to that thing someone would ask. Oh, I dunno, just not that in to it anymore. It's only been a week. I know but I just don't care anymore. Or here's a real life example. I built a Coke light fixture for my kitchen. It's pretty cool, I mean everybody loves it. I bought some more materials, did somewhat of a cost analysis, and now it's like, meh, it's cool but I want to do something different. I have a product that's cool and I could sell for profit and I just can't do it cause I'm bored. Or my wife's college countdown thing. It's also cool and she would wait all week to see what the new numbers looked like but I'm bored with it and have not kept up for at least three weeks now.

     These two areas have wreaked havoc on my life for 44 years now. No more! I am not going to fight my weaknesses any more. In fact, they are probably not weak areas anyways. I am embracing them. I am looking at the direction I want to go and including them in my planning. If I build something and now the thrill is gone, oh well. It served it's purpose. If I need consistency in an area of ministry I will look for God to supply a person who can keep moving forward. To push me when I need pushed. To make phone calls I am unwilling to make them. Obviously life or God is not going to let me off the hook all the time. I will fail some. I will have to force myself ahead when it sucks. To the best of my ability I will not stop to demoralize myself when my design leads to my failure. God made me this way. I will move forward, forgive myself, and fix it. Do it different or not at all next time. I will learn and push forward with God's help. If not for Him why go anywhere? I want to follow you where ever you lead God and do the best that you know I can do for your will God. Lead me where you will. I am yours. Oh, and I almost forgot, well I did forget about stubbornness. Apparently that one works for God too. Like so many things that would have caused me doubt and worry before no longer do because I know what I have with God and nothing can break that. I will fight to the death and that would be victory. I will never let go of God, I just won't. That's me being stubborn. God is and will continue to put me in difficult places but I will not be shaken. Not simply because I will it, but because God placed a seemingly negative thing so deep within me that I can't give up even when I want to. So now that I've seen God use it it is amazing. It is a blessing.

     So many places I can wish I were different but it is my determination to use those things. And if possible to use them for the glory of God. I hope that you might take a new look at some of your negative places and try to see them differently. Or to ask God what He might want that in there for. Ask Him to reveal His purpose in that thing and then be patient. The answer might be a long time coming. Embrace yourself. Even those weird idiotic things that drive you crazy. Embrace them. If you have parts that make you feel like an outcast, know this. We all do. The same or different, you are not alone.