my biggest regret(s)

     24 years ago........19 years old. I had just finished my first year of college. A friend from a job a few years earlier set me up on a blind date with a friend if hers. If only time could be rewound. We didn't hit it off that night, I slept on my friends couch while the two of them had a slumber party or something upstairs. Doing what I thought I should do I got up early, went to the store and bought a rose (can't remember uf it was just one) and put it on the hand rail of the staircase and I think went back to sleep.

     I had yet to round home base in my relational endeavors up to this point but that changed soon enough. We started talking on the phone hours at a time. Outside if work we were inseparable. She rented a place at the beach. I was trying to be a good boy and keep it in my pants so I resisted going. I just wasn't that strong.

     After our weekend I was in love. I told my buddy I wanted to marry her. He begged me not to, said I wasn't thinking with the right brain. He had much more experience in this area. But I was determined. Within a day or two I proposed and she said yes. It is too simple a thing  to make such a decision. Too easy to give away the rest of your life, there is no sacrifice in that. But the sacrifice must come.

     We set a date in August, I asked her dad's permission, her mom slaved to put it all together, and my mom I think was beside herself, but excited. Six weeks after meeting we were married. The wedding night must have been magical because three weeks later she peed on the stick, and I was on cloud nine. She on the other hand didn't take it so well. I think she wanted her mommy.

     This is speculation on my part, but I think her world came crashing down. She had been working since at least 15. Much of the time two jobs and some of that to help her parents. With me she was wild and free. She got to run and play and be a kid. But this rocked her to the core. Everything changed. One Friday night she told me she was leaving. We laid in bed that night and talked. It was the best time we'd spent together in a while. I hoped she would stay. The next day while at work she and her family packed up everything and she was gone. I tried desperately to get my boss to let me off but it was no use.

     I went home that night, my world empty. Within a few weeks divorce papers arrived. I would have done anything, anything to put things back together. We fought and fought through lawyers, through the court. In the end all I wanted was time with my son and the wine glasses from the wedding.

     One day my grandma called me with congratulations. What for grandma? She had seen the birth announcement in the paper. I didn't even know my son was born. I visited once or twice in the hospital and then they were gone.

     Tuesday and Thursday nights were my visitation times. These visits were hell. I had no experience with babies. I always tried to take someone with me. My mom, dad, roommate, anyone for support. It was so uncomfortable that after a while nobody would go with. I went into enemy territory mostly alone. If Gracies place had been around back then, neutral turf visits, my son might have had his father. My solo visits outside her home were to begin at his one year and that's when the restraining order showed up. Claiming I was abusing him in her home, I had to take parenting classes or no more visits. No matter what I would never get him alone.

     Not only were the visits hell on me and any who went with, but they were hell on my son. Babies are more sensitive to stress than adults and he would cry through most visits. Continuing with things the way they had been was not an option. I think I could have maybe taken the stress but I couldn't bear to see Joseph have to deal with that any more.

     Just outside the elevator in the courthouse downtown, with my my mom and grandma and lawyer I said enough. With tears in my eyes I let him go from my life. Repeatedly they asked, are you sure? It's causing him more harm than good so I've got to let him go. And that was it. The papers were drafted, signatures signed, and life moved on. We have not been together since a week before his first birthday. Next month he'll be 23. He's married with a little boy a year younger than my little Emma.

     I hope one day to introduce him to his brothers and sisters and to meet his family. To introduce myself to him and meet him for what will essentially be the first time. I know this may never happen but I hold hope. My wife hopes, my mom hopes, and my kids would be stoked to meet their older brother.

     My wife is quite the snoop. The information I have about hime is from her snoopery. She managed to find him selling on Craigslist and went and met him. They casually hung out for over an hour. He and his mom both held my baby girl, his sister. Both my daughters were there. Nobody but Chris knew, didn't want the kids spilling it, she bought an old violin from him. It was the only time we've ever been able to help them in any way.

     Although I regret much of that back then I certainly do not regret Joe being born. I regret making decisions not understanding the length of their implications. And I regret not being a part of his life. I think the desision to let him go was right. His life needed to move forward and so did mine. As Bruce Hornsby says, that's just the way it is.

God showed up

     These last few weeks I have had more work than I...well, I've had lots of work. Now bear in mind that I'm a stay at home dad so this wouldn't be much work for a guy with a regular job. But it's a lot for me. Then spring break we took off for 5 days, came back for a week, then beached it a Lincoln City for Easter weekend. That was a blast.

     For a year now Chris has been going full time on her Master's as well as full time work and that makes our together time pretty slim. We really needed time away. Coming back to life after Easter was killing me. The house was a mess, the kids wanted to go play with their friends, Chris made it to soccer practice to relieve me at 6:15pm Monday and then came home about 8:30 Tuesay night. I miss my best friend. I never signed up for single parenting.

     But God showed up like He always does. Tuesday a guy from my last Bible study came over (brought his car over) then Wednesday another church friend brought his truck over and my buddy visited with his car just before that. These guys really lifted me, although still missed the wife. However, late in the morning she showed up. Had to leave work due to puking over and over. (Must be the baby). That's our little family joke. Even though she was sick still got to spend a little time with her. I'm not saying God made her sick but He did use it to bless me in a way. Although she was doing quite a bit better Thursday she was still home and continued to help me out.

     I know this doesn't seem like much but it was a lot to me and God really showed up in a tangible way. God has been so gracious in supplying customers whenever we need money but this time He filled an entirely different need. I hope you know this God who supplies all needs.

she always seems to have it all together

     You always have it together. A friend said people tell her this all the time. She laughs. If they only knew.

     The funny thing is though, she and her friends are both right. She doesn't have it all together. A mess as often as not. She sees her failures. Time not spent in prayer, friends who haven't been called back, a Bible more lonely than it should be. Too many things done wrong, appointments with grace never met. Struggling to pick the right book or video series for the next Bible study. Days, weeks, and months fly by, will there ever be time to stop and catch up?

     Her friends are growing because of this woman who gives all she can. They are greeted by her loving hugs, soothed by her prayers and tears, fed by the Spirit that flows within her, and closer to God because of her. She is no saint, but she is who God made her to be so maybe she is a saint.

projects

     There's this wierd thing that happens when I get past the halfway point of a project. It's like I can see the finished product so the excitement to continue evaporates. I'm dreaming already about the next five projects. Most times there's a whole gaggle (creative word choice) of projects going on simultaneously to stifle the boredom. That definitely helps me keep going but isn't so helpful for actually finishing things.

     My bedroom pallet ceiling kinda brought this up. Don't worry, I'm still plugging along. A friend was kind enough to bring over a box of nails yesterday to keep me from standstill. It's well past 1/22 done. Let's try that again with only one 2. 1/2 done. Apparently my two key sticks. On my touchscreen. It looks really good and is totally worth the 3000hrs of labor seems to be taking. 17 days today. My wife is giddy to see it done while my level of excitement is moving down rapidly in proportion to the work seeming to go up.

     This has definitely stirred my creative juices. I want to build a pallet bench. Want to build a flatbed and cool running boards for my 51 Chev truck. Want to buy another hot rod project to fix up and sell, build Coke glass light fixtures for the kitchen, build a shed near shop for tools and still got something else to build for bedroom. It's a surprise. Can't say. There's about a hundred other pending projects or dreams. It's no wonder I can't sleep at night. Brain running doubletime.

     Welp, life calls. Kids to pickup and stuff. You guys have a great day.

I am an arteest

     Right now I am in the middle of a pallet ceiling in my bedroom. Ok, I'm in the middle of building it I'm not in the middle of it. This is about 10 times the work of sheetrock. I mean seriously. Gotta get the pallets, then disassemble and remove every nail/staple. These are 8' long with sides 2-3'tall and take an hour to two to break down. Then each board has to be cut to fit a specific space which has to look totally random, planed on one side, then bent and pried and fit into place. Had to buy the planer too. But I'm an arteest and its gonna look cool.

     One of the two 4' lights in our kitchen died recently. My first thought was to put a new ballast in it but then wait. What if I drilled holes in the bottom of Coke glasses, mounted a light socket inside each one and hung from the ceiling? That'd be way better And about 10 times the work minimum. Stay tuned for that if I can work out the details.

     My shop is in the back yard and it can get really muddy. So the obvious solution right is to get a truckload of gravel and make a road. Right? So what I did was to bury railroad ties lengthwise four on each side to make a sort of road to the shop. Nearly two hundred of them over a several year time period all dug and laid by hand. My hands. Little bit more than 10 times the work.

     I wish my wife were up at this ungodly hour of the night so she could list off more of my genius (stupid) projects like these. I think if there's a hard job I will find an artistic way to make it substantially harder.

     There is an element of satisfaction knowing that my whatever is like none other, or one of only a few. No matter how stupid I've come to think my railroad ties are there are always people coming over who think it's cool. Genius maybe. Whatever comes next it is likely I will find a way to make it substantially harder on myself,  take forever, and maybe even look cool. I'm an arteest!

I wonder if Jesus did small talk

     I am fascinated by the idea of what filled all the inbetween spaces with Jesus and His followers. What was it really like 24/7 with the God-man? What was the small talk? Was there small talk? Few people ever want to be around someone who only talks of kingdom stuff.

     I find myself irresistibly drawn to conversations of kingdom stuff. I think in some respects that's all I would talk if given the chance. I love meat. Even in the midst of a war or election eternity still weighs more heavily. I don't think most people are like this. It seems most folks need small talk. The water cooler conversations. The game last night. Who killed or cheated on who on last nights episode of whatever. However, I do love Netflix. I like romance and exploding stuff.

     I tend however to find eternal implications in whatever I watch. Whether Diehard 4 or Rambo 4 or the latest super romantic sad movie, what was that called? Oh, The fault in our stars. I see kingdom implications everywhere. The better movies can keep me going for days on how sad it is that they fought so hard for something but it's all meaningless without God. The greatest romance ever is nothing if you get to heaven and don't get to stay. Those memories won't comfort in hell.

     Is anybody else like this? On those long road trips and boring spaces what did Jesus fill the time with? We read about some of the highlights in the Bible, what was the rest? Was it all highlights and important teachings or small talk too? The brain only learns for so long a period at a time so there must have been lots of filler. The filler seems to be what builds intimacy long term. I mean, not talks of tv but of where you grew up, your sisters age and your favorite place to live. The details that separate friends from acquaintances.

     Eleven guys were willing to follow Jesus to death. They weren't thrill seekers looking for death. There was something else about being with Jesus. They loved Jesus. They weren't just clinging to His Godness though. Maybe it started out that way but I think they clung to him out of love.

     So how do I find the balance? I'm 43 years old and still asking simple questions to things it seems I should know by now. The only thing that matters is eternity in heaven. But we don't live there yet and there is stuff all around us that is very important in this end of life. If I cant relate it to the eternal then I don't want to waste my time.

     Those of you who know me know I love to talk of cool hotrods n ratrods, vintage bmx bikes and the pallet ceiling I'm doing in my bedroom. It's not all God stuff. But I do find it hard to want to keep up with what is blowing up the internet this week. Or what is trending on twitter. And then as if the latest battle over a wardrobe malfunction/Cardashian/Mike Rowe/Democrat/Republican/Tea Party/Iran/Israeli/Isis meltdown isn't enough, we still have these arguments over law vs. grace and predestination vs. free will. I mean jeesh, is any of this getting us closer to knowing God? And if it's not then why do we keep it up? Are we that easily distracted by Satan? The Bible says to those who have been called you have also been chosen. Predestination.  It also says if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead then you will be saved. Free will. So why are we arguing one or the other when the Bible says both? Can we talk about something of value please? Something that would grow you and grow me and draw unbelievers close as well. I do not think it is that hard, Jesus couldn't hardly get away from people they wanted to be around Him so bad. So why don't they want to be around us?

more waste of the internet's capability

     I was thinking that blogging is kinda like being a musician. You've got to follow your passion and make the music you care about yet at the same time people better be able to relate to it or you'll be doing it at 50 years old from the comfort of your mammas basement. I did say kinda like. I don't do this to make money one day, I just enjoy it. And I'm nearing 50 and nowhere near my moms basement.

     This is that terrible dilemma. Terrible for me anyways. I really want to just write what I feel like writing but if you guys don't care about it then I might as well use pen and paper. Maybe the prez should blog so he wouldn't need to use his pen so much.

I'm thinking about challenging myself to a blog a day for some period of time. In the past I only wrote when something really pressed upon me. While I am still doing that some, more often than not it's just random things floating through my head. There's a lot of randomness up there. In any given day there's probably 3-5 things I'd like to write about. It's the quantity that is actually making it harder to write anything of value. Too much mush in my head, need some clarity. So rather than waiting for clarity maybe I can just write it out of my head. And, maybe it will help me become a better writer. Shouldn't hurt should it?

     I don't care what people think, it's just that I really care what people think. So regardless of what you think, and because especially I care what you think, I will continue to blog. Yeah, you try being inside my head.