Godly men needed

     I hurt my back today. My back was tight all morning but being the manly man I am that didn't stop me from bending over to adjust the sprinkler. Oh!, that hurt. I always feel better if I've been lifting an engine or pushing a truck by myself when the back goes. Always seems pretty wussy doing the equivalent of lifting a pencil.

     I've been thinking lately about men a generation or two before me. I was born in the early 70s and many of the friends I grew up with came up in very Godly homes. Try as I might I do not remember any time I heard a Godly man say anything religious outside of church. It seems that was the job of mothers. We all had these little signs in and around our homes. Some were Bible verses, some were churchy sayings, maybe the golden rule. But all of this and I think most Bible teaching in the home came from mothers.

     I feel as if showing that Godly side is akin to expressing emotion. To expressing weakness. And men of old were never to show weakness. It's a man's struggle. We go to work. We go to war. We bear up under incredibly hard work conditions. We see and do things for God and Country that no human should ever experience. We have a box inside us labeled work. In this box go all the times the boss yelled or humiliated us. All the times the hammer missed the nail. The scars where the tree broke the back. The men who died or lost limbs on the job. This box gets opened first thing as home drifts away and closed up tight before the first glimpse of spouse or the curly haired young lady he used to bounce on his knee comes in to view. At no time can his loved ones be allowed to experience it's contents.

     Many have an uglier box. This box is war. The contents of this box are as black as sin. Although filled to protect the family, this same family would
 be lost if exposed to it's contents. Children killed, villages wiped out, comrades blown into eternity. Limbs and souls lost forever. This box must be tightly capped, guarded fiercely.

     Men have been uniquely created with a great ability to divide life into internal boxes and to guard those boxes lest they begin to bleed in to other boxes. Boxes like intimacy, spirit and soul, spouse, child, church and many more. This has been one of our greatest God given attributes.

     Keeping thinks so strongly separated in our lives makes it difficult to be open with those who need to know us. There has been a great push in the last 30 years or so for men to be open and emotional as women are. The pendulum has swung almost all the way over. Men are praised for being open and soft and crying freely. In general women no longer want a tough hardened compartmentalized man. We've taken it so far as to make it desireable for two men to share a relationship as husband and wife. One of these men has to fill a feminine role, the other masculine. There are now two less men to create a balanced home with each a wife also.

     My church has been struggling for years to create a strong base of Godly, well balanced men who will lead their homes and train up younger men to do the same. You see, there is a ground somewhere in the middle that is desireable. Men who are strong. Men who are courageous. Men who will go to any length to protect their family. Most of all they will do whatever it takes to raise up Godly children, to see that their wife is spiritually fed, that God has priority in their home. These men are so few and far between because we have allowed society to dictate what a man is. A society that wants nothing to do with God's design for man.

     This is our call. To be men of God. A man of God knows that nothing is so important as salvation. All of life must be seen through the lens of himself, his wife, and his children one day passing through heaven's gates. And he knows that his God is a God of love. He must love fiercely. Sometimes this love must crack the lid to forbidden boxes and allow spouse and children to know what lies beneath the surface. To expose some of the keys to why he does what he does,  what makes him tick. True intimacy must reveal all that can possibly be shared between spouses. There may be things that cannot be shared. Things dark and evil that may destroy a soul. War is especially common here. These things a woman must be willing to let go. A man would do good to let his wife know that these places exist. That his love for her is why she can not know these details. Places like this have wounded his soul deeply and might destroy hers also. These boxes that compatmentalize a man are there to protect him. They also protect her.

     We are called to be the leaders of our homes. This is our purpose. To love God. To love our spouse. To love our children. To love others as our circle goes out. To do this we must first become healthy in relationship with God. We must seek out what it means to be a man. Are there men around you who can teach you? Are you able to lead other men? Who could you team up with to help each other grow? A Bible or book study, a men's retreat, a Christian leaders business meeting, the teenager next door? Maybe there is an old man down the street whose wife would love you to get him out to the shop.

     Get rid of the junk. I have crass articles and half naked ladies coming across my Facebook from friends who want to grow in Christ. It seems obvious to me what needs to happen but these changes are tough. Is there someone like that which you could come along side and mentor? Do you have struggles like these you need to share? Sin kept in secret will eat you alive. I think there are few men left who do not struggle sexually with impurity. Then there is drugs and alcohol and whatever else. You are not alone. Do not fight this alone. Find someone to be open with. To share with. To pray with. Alone we die. Together we can find victory. Our marriages can be better than we've ever dreamed. Our kids can be lights in their schools. And any manly man who wants to come over and adjust my sprinkler so I don't hurt myself, you are invited.

Emotions and more

     We have much in common. All of us live on planet earth, breath air, eat, sleep, and share this thing called emotions. We all know what emotions are. I cried my eyes out at Babylon V "Sleeping in the Light" as Sheridan came to the end of his 20 year death sentence for going to Z'ha'dum. I got angry when Chris and I found someone was stealing money from us. When Chris's mom died I think I was more sad for Chris and for the kids than I was for losing her. And right now loneliness is quite common and probably will be for some time.

     Our emotions have limits though. I have come to the end of myself, just quit. Put the brakes on, thrown the lever in park, and let life pass me by, not knowing if I would join the fray again. You see, I can only take so much. I love to feel invincible. Just bring it on. I can take all you can dish. But the truth is I can't. And this is what separates me from God. This and a gazillion other things.

     I am made in the image of God. I have little pieces of the different bits of God. Enough of these pieces so that I can relate to Him, but not enough that I can do it without Him. That's the real separation. God can do it all. He experiences all of the pain I do but is not weighed down by it. He soars on the highs of my joy but is never ungrounded. God has the unlimited capacity to experience every evil and remain perfect in love. That's why He is God and I am not.

     I have wanted so badly to not experience loneliness any more. For life to change and gift me with what it is I think I need. From God of course. But then I hear a whisper. I hear God say, What will you do during this time? I don't really like that question. I mean I like to think about it and dream about it but not really act on it. I am learning though. God help me if I ever stop learning.

     So here I am. I am writing about my experience. It might be the tiniest little thing but I'm doing it. And I am listening each day as I bump into people both real and digital for the Spirit to show me how I can encourage them. I have not mastered the art of intimacy with God so each day that is something I strive toward. And I look for ways to encourage my wife, to relieve some of her burdens.

     It is thru my brokenness, my out of control emotions, my struggle through the day to day malaise that I find God. Though I desperately want to be all put together I much rather want to need God. Here I am God, needing you as much as ever.

Some questions must be pondered to glorify God

     So the other day I'm on the phone with a friend. We're pretty close so we try and talk at least once a year. And he says to me, someone asked me why I go to church. This wasn't a non church goer trying to get a handle on (why church?). This was a Christian brother helping a man who is in the valley right now. Why do you go to church? Why do you run sound? Why do you study as you do? Why do you pray as you do?

     These are life altering questions if one answers them from this one place. And honestly too. Does this grow my relationship with Christ? This is where I believe my friend is at. I deeply hope so. I have done so many things to honor God. Too many of which had the look and feel of Godliness but not the substance.

     If I commit time or substance to God but do not meet Him there than what is that? I am not talking of times of hurt or silence when There seems to be an iron shield above the clouds and all my prayers seem to bounce back unanswered, when God just can't be found. We go through times of desert or dryness but this is not that.

     I could go to church every service for a hundred years, have the greatest pastor ever, and zoom right through the gates of hell. Attendance and devotion are no susbstitute for connection. I have read my Bible for hours on end and gotten further from God. I have prayed over the needs on my list, many times right into rem sleep. I have honored God and God was no where to be found in it. Honor and devotion have been things that have derailed me time and again. Yet they are necessary. So how do I know?

     I honestly answer this core question. Does this grow my relationship with God? Often it's not this simple but this does give me a foundation to work from. Church is good. Maybe though God has some place of more intimate connection for me to be. Maybe I need to stop and ask God why church or devotion time or ? are not connecting me to Him. Is there something in my life preventing growth? Maybe if I leave the Bible and prayers and church and bible study and TBN behind and just talk to God. Me and God, one on one. Oh man, what could happen now.

     Moses was a friend of God. Imagine all of the other titles he could have had. One of the greatest men of God ever was simply God's friend. He didn't get that way by all of his holy accolades or religious convictions. Not by writing the Pentateuch. Not from hours daily on his knees. The truth is so simple that I struggle to grasp it.

     I simply talk with God. Share my fears and doubts, share my wins and happy times. I question His methods and timing. I acknowledge His supremacy. I thank Him for what He's done, both what I have seen and what I haven't. To forgive me of sins, known and unknown. Why would you place me here? What is going on? Are you sure there is a purpose here? Thank you God for the abundant blessings you have bestowed on me. And I listen. God speaks in quiet times and in movies and in music and anywhere else I am willing to listen. I probably miss most of what He says but I'm glad He keeps talking.

     We must be connected with the people of Christ. I'm not advocating abandoning regular meetings with believers. if growth is not a product then why not? Could I be a catalyst for change? Could God use me to stir up hearts? This is the gospel. To give my heart to God and then to others.

Missin' my best friend

     Really missing my best friend today. She's off doing finals week and mandatory volunteering into the evenings for her federal school grant. Summer is her slow time. No work but 17 credit hours split between WOU and CCC. And lots and lots of homework.

     She finished up the work year and had a whole week before Summer term began. Sleep was the only protocol. I had designs on a couple of days in Washington or maybe Northern Cali but it wasn't to be. Now here we are coming to the end of another season and I just want to escape. Go anywhere and just relax with the family. To be with my wife and just be. We are possibly heading off for a weekend but going to seperate destinations. Kinda like how cruel is that? But it's needed.

     So the count down continues. Roughly two more years of this. Next Spring is an opportunity for her to teach in China for two weeks. Who knows what else may lie in the future. The roads we have traveled,  I am not sure if they had names, but they took us places we never dreamt. Some really good dreams and a few nightmares.

     Yeah, I miss my friend,  but she is still here. We have many more grand adventures waiting us should the Lord will it. And kids. Three girls and three boys to this point. Maybe God will yet bless us with more in His own way. He sure does know His way around humor.

     Oh man. I realize this is written mostly just for me. I just needed to get some feelings out. I hope you don't mind.

Remembering Terry

     When I moved in to my new house almost 14 years ago I acquired many new neighbors. One of those was Terry. Terry lived in the house next door, a very red house that turned hot pink in the years after. He had a ratty mid 80s Corvette in the front yard and a bunch of bags of garbage in the back. Terry died a few years ago. Officially to disease but I think he'd lost his will to live.

      On some of my many visits to the 4' chain link fence that enclosed his property he told me of the large Harley he used to own, of the nice boat he used to have, and of his wife who died of cancer. It seemed that in one way or another life had picked off the things he cared about one at a time.

     Then came the day he asked me to work on the Vette. He'd started it one day to warm up and when he came out of the house it had died. We pushed it over to my shop and I ran through all the potential causes. The pain I felt in my stomach was wrenching when I had to go over and tell him the engine had siezed. I knew he didn't have the money to fix it. It seemed like the last thing he had left to claim that he'd been alive.

     In the last number of years he was alive we rarely saw him. Just getting in or out of his truck for work or occasionally taking dogs to park. He didn't even go outside with the dogs anymore. Just opened the door.

     When the family came to clean out the house it was overwhelming. Pizza boxes and garbage stacked to the ceiling. He'd left a path from couch to fridge to bathroom and was sleeping on the couch. His lack of will to live eventually sealed his fate. He became sick and spent some time in the hospital. When released and recovered enough to work again he did so but it was short lived. He got sick again, spent more time in the hospital and again was released to recover at home. This time the recovery would not come.

     Seemingly our whole neighborhood mourned his death. Well, except for the neighbors across from us whose little dog had gone under Terrys fence and become a chew toy for just an instant. And the people around the corner who would walk their 4 or 5 pitbulls down our street. His dog had jumped the fence one day as they were going past. There was a sadness that hung over our partially paved pot hole riddled street. A sadness that still visits from time to time.

     I still think of Terry. I remember many times his meth addicted brother living in the trailer in the back yard would make our lives miserable. I remember the funeral for his dog and the beautiful sign he put up over the grave. I remember times early on of him shooting hoops in his driveway. I remember talks of his wife and how much he had loved her. How much he still loved her and missed her. I remember how he had wanted kids so bad but never had the chance. I remember how much he loved on my kids. I remember you Terry.

     You are treasured and missed Terry, even if you didn't know it when you were living.