I have a pretty charmed life yet there is a monster that I cannot tame. Everybody is healthy and whole in our home. Our bills are paid, we have food, I just got some cool parts for some bike projects, and a stream of small car projects to make some extra money. But still the monster looms. My wife and I are having amazing sex (yep, went there), I have done some of my coolest home projects to date, got the most recent Bloodgood album in my car and it rocks, but the monster has beat down the door and is making itself at home. I have read my Bible, I have talked with my savior, I know the truth, I know the lies, all my defenses, my best offenses, it has cut thru like butter. Like blackberry vines on steroids depression has reared it's ugly head, has set a place at my table is eating my ice cream with chocolate sauce and sprinkles and left me with peas. I hate peas!
I slept a couple of hours today so I'm up late eating ice cream and playing video games. I think this is depression protocol. Just finished listening to Clay Crosse's He Walked a Mile. I always want to help others but I'm not so good at helping myself. The other day the kids were gone and I was back at home all by myself. I just couldn't move. I called out silently to God, ya gotta help me, I can't help myself, help. About 5 minutes later I started to get a load of wash going. Then I moved on to something else and something else, eventually getting two projects done also. Without God's help I likely would have sat at the kitchen table for hours until Emma needed picked up. God gives me other 'suggestions' of ways to help myself but most of the time I'm just unwilling to move. Unable often, but sometimes simply unwilling. Unwilling to help myself.
I'm getting tired now so I think I'll head to bed. I'm not in my best space now. There's a lot of things I can't do right now but I can write this. If I wait until I am in my best space this will never get written. So I write it now. Someone may need to see this. If you wait until you are in your best space, all put together so to speak, someone may miss out on what God has for them from you. A young woman stopped by yesterday for me to look at her car and I talked her ear off. Maybe, just maybe, something I said was something she needed to hear. Maybe, the gift was mine just having someone to talk to. Maybe both. I may never know. Anyways, I'm going to bed. Thank you for reading this.
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Monday, May 16, 2016
Jealousy and growth
I had been so jealous of a friend of mine for so many years. I'm not sure how specific I want to get as then everybody will know who it is. Well, there's two people really. My old roommate Tim was probably the first. Everything he touched turned to gold. Everybody liked him. He was better at basketball than me. As we went thru the automotive tech program it was apparent he was more skilled than I. He never even got a job as a tech but took on a piece of his dad's construction business. He was gifted there as well. Then there's Tim. Super talented artist. Can also play about any instrument he touches as well as sing. I was so jealous of these guys.
Maybe I just started slow. I have done many amazing projects. Built cool trucks. I can fabricate all sorts of cool stuff out of metal. I've built many Rad things out of wood also. Built a loft in the shop, rewired much of the house and shop, and so much more. I have more projects spinning in my head at any given time than I can ever get to. And I would bet that I make some other people jealous.
So God has given me so many talents but it has taken me a lot of life to begin to grasp them. And these are just the MacGyver gifts. These aren't even the spiritual gifts. Those are the ones I really look forward to unfolding in the future.
So I'm not writing this to say how awesome I think I am but I wasted a lot of time looking at how awesome others were and thinking I had little to nothing to offer. I just couldn't see it. There may have been not much to see. It seems like my life has been a slow build. Looking back there is a small thing here and another aways later. But those were very far apart although they built on each other, and a lot of failure. Now I build and do new things all the time that are the product of all those years of preparation.
At one point almost ten years ago God put this guy in my life who was a few years older than I and had a lot of experience building hot rods and restoring cars. I had won this old Truck on Ebay for $50 down in Eugene. Each day I'd go to work with this guy who cuts things up and builds cool cars and since I had only spent $50 on this truck it was no loss if I ruined it. So every night I would work on the truck and every day I'd tell Mike what I did and he'd give me encouragement and offer creative suggestions. This was really the springboard for me becoming the mechanical madman I am today.
There is also a spiritual journey that has taken place. Much, much growth has happened there in the last 5 or 6 years but I don't know where that is going yet so we'll leave that for another time.
Pastors always talk about the "takeaway." We'll I don't know what that is so you'll have to figure it out for yourself. I'm just telling my story.
Maybe I just started slow. I have done many amazing projects. Built cool trucks. I can fabricate all sorts of cool stuff out of metal. I've built many Rad things out of wood also. Built a loft in the shop, rewired much of the house and shop, and so much more. I have more projects spinning in my head at any given time than I can ever get to. And I would bet that I make some other people jealous.
So God has given me so many talents but it has taken me a lot of life to begin to grasp them. And these are just the MacGyver gifts. These aren't even the spiritual gifts. Those are the ones I really look forward to unfolding in the future.
So I'm not writing this to say how awesome I think I am but I wasted a lot of time looking at how awesome others were and thinking I had little to nothing to offer. I just couldn't see it. There may have been not much to see. It seems like my life has been a slow build. Looking back there is a small thing here and another aways later. But those were very far apart although they built on each other, and a lot of failure. Now I build and do new things all the time that are the product of all those years of preparation.
At one point almost ten years ago God put this guy in my life who was a few years older than I and had a lot of experience building hot rods and restoring cars. I had won this old Truck on Ebay for $50 down in Eugene. Each day I'd go to work with this guy who cuts things up and builds cool cars and since I had only spent $50 on this truck it was no loss if I ruined it. So every night I would work on the truck and every day I'd tell Mike what I did and he'd give me encouragement and offer creative suggestions. This was really the springboard for me becoming the mechanical madman I am today.
There is also a spiritual journey that has taken place. Much, much growth has happened there in the last 5 or 6 years but I don't know where that is going yet so we'll leave that for another time.
Pastors always talk about the "takeaway." We'll I don't know what that is so you'll have to figure it out for yourself. I'm just telling my story.
A different addiction experience
I don't know if this will have a theme or not I just wanted to write. The other day I grabbed an empty beer bottle to move it to the recycle bin. When I grabbed that bottle with my whole hand around the neck time stopped. *a note before going any further. I don't drink. I never have. Not even a drop cept for a sip of pink champagne left from my first wedding. Nothing. No desire. But as I held that bottle, as that bottle held me, I became a different me. Although there were no specifics I could sense a destroyed me, a destroyed family. I could feel myself sitting in a chair tipping back a bottle, my grip on that bottle very specific. I stood there holding that bottle, we were holding each other really, and time stood still. It should have been a simple task that lasted a few seconds at most. I don't know how long it lasted but I was in awe of the power it held on me. I've had some comparable experiences with cigarettes and I can't explain either. I wrote about this probably a couple of years ago. I don't understand but I do know that for me to drink or smoke would be a slippery slope. One that I need to stay far away from.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Contemplating life's highway
Sometimes life just drones on and on, like a highway in the desert going mile after mile after mile. Other times though are like those TV commercials "life comes at you fast." Today I dropped off 3 kids at three different schools then stopped at Safeway for a Coke and donut. I know, I know, the breakfast of champions. Sitting in the parking lot I contemplated what to do next.
Goodwill opens at 9 so I could wait ten minutes and go there. Or I could go to the little store over there where one of the managers is a friend. A competitor is opening a new store in a small town nearby and I think she should apply for store manager. Maybe I should go to my grandma's house, I have a couple ideas for things she could do with her spare time that I think would really bless her and others. I had two or three more ideas that escape me right now.
I had close to 3 hours before heading back to school to make the first pickup. So long story short, I could reach out to others and maybe have an impact in somebody's life or remain isolated. As I drove home from Goodwill I was feeling kinda lonely and when I feel like that I tend to isolate and that's exactly what I did. Went home and got to work. Not a bad thing. Some part of me was worried about rejection from the people I would have tried to connect with. I couldn't overcome the idea of loneliness being topped with that rejection.
Anyways, I was just struck with the idea of how many different directions life can take at any place. Maybe I do better next time.
Goodwill opens at 9 so I could wait ten minutes and go there. Or I could go to the little store over there where one of the managers is a friend. A competitor is opening a new store in a small town nearby and I think she should apply for store manager. Maybe I should go to my grandma's house, I have a couple ideas for things she could do with her spare time that I think would really bless her and others. I had two or three more ideas that escape me right now.
I had close to 3 hours before heading back to school to make the first pickup. So long story short, I could reach out to others and maybe have an impact in somebody's life or remain isolated. As I drove home from Goodwill I was feeling kinda lonely and when I feel like that I tend to isolate and that's exactly what I did. Went home and got to work. Not a bad thing. Some part of me was worried about rejection from the people I would have tried to connect with. I couldn't overcome the idea of loneliness being topped with that rejection.
Anyways, I was just struck with the idea of how many different directions life can take at any place. Maybe I do better next time.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
God sets up the best meetings.
As I was driving my daughter to gymnastics I came across a young man holding a sign. He looked to be in his mid 20s and was looking for bus fare to Olympia. Gymnastics were across town so I went through my mental list of why it couldn't be us. My daughter will be late. I will miss out on the stores I frequent on my way home. What will Chris say about the money? How much is bus fare anyway? So I kept driving.
As we were leaving the house I had checked the mail and was now staring at the book the mailman had delivered. The 9 Arts of Spiritual Conversations (walking alongside people who believe differently.) As I read those words I felt God kindly flicking his finger on the back of my conscience. I was reminded of this idea that we rush past those needing help so we can get to the church staff meeting on time. This book is a study on the 9 ways Jesus brought the good news to people in a natural, non threatening way. In case you wanted to know.
Well I went back and picked him up. And Ashtin was late to gymnastics. And I did miss my stores. And my wife was ok with the money. God speaks to each of us in our own language. He soon spoke to me. We were heading across town when at a stop light I read the words on the rear window ahead of us. "I aim to misbehave". How cool is that? I said. That's from Serenity. I love that movie he said. Then he asked, did you ever see Firefly, the show before the movie? God spoke thru my favorite movie.
We passed Teen Challenge. I said, that place is so cool. What is it he asked? Well it's just a thrift store but all the people who work there are in recovery. It's a one year program where they house you and teach job skills. By the time you get out you have skills enough to enter society and not relapse. I go to the methadone clinic he said. I have to go every morning. I think soon I won't have to go every day. That's how I make it.
Told me he was a vet and we talked about many other things. I paid for his bus ticket and drove away thinking about all that had happened.
This morning I stopped to get milk. I didn't get my usual cashier. She was one lane over but noticed I had Emma with me. When we were done we made our way to her register. She had one of those rare breaks with no customers. She asked if I'd found the Hotwheel she's looking for. Then she asked if we had stayed in the lodge at Crater Lake (I had my CL hoodie on.) She then began to tell me of her own trip there when she was young. How the transmission on her dad's new truck quit when they got there. How he was able to tow it home. She said he fixed it as tears started to appear. He could fix anything. It's all my fault! If I had called 911 faster he wouldn't have died. She's really working to hold back tears now. So your dad died soon after? Yes. It's been over 50 years and I still blame myself. If I had just called 911 sooner. I know it's not my fault. I know it, but I just can't believe it. As she points to her head and then her heart I say yeah, it's just those 12 inches. She said a friend was going to a conference on grief this Friday through her church but she has to work. I said I know a place. A place where we help you move those 12 inches from the head to heart.
I don't know if she will go. I do know that God ordained this moment. I played my part for now. I don't know if my part is over in these two lives or if I have more to play but I pray Lord that I am ready. I pray Lord that you have your way. That they each get what they need from you.
I more often than not fall when God says stand. I walk when He says run. I sit when He says walk. But He chose me and He is using me. Despite my failures and inconsistencies He still uses me. He still loves me. He says I choose you, still. Man, what a great God we serve.
50 years! It keeps ringing in my head. Over 50 years and I still blame myself. Oh God, I can't wait til you give her peace. I can't wait until I see her on the other side of that grief. Do your thing God!!
As we were leaving the house I had checked the mail and was now staring at the book the mailman had delivered. The 9 Arts of Spiritual Conversations (walking alongside people who believe differently.) As I read those words I felt God kindly flicking his finger on the back of my conscience. I was reminded of this idea that we rush past those needing help so we can get to the church staff meeting on time. This book is a study on the 9 ways Jesus brought the good news to people in a natural, non threatening way. In case you wanted to know.
Well I went back and picked him up. And Ashtin was late to gymnastics. And I did miss my stores. And my wife was ok with the money. God speaks to each of us in our own language. He soon spoke to me. We were heading across town when at a stop light I read the words on the rear window ahead of us. "I aim to misbehave". How cool is that? I said. That's from Serenity. I love that movie he said. Then he asked, did you ever see Firefly, the show before the movie? God spoke thru my favorite movie.
We passed Teen Challenge. I said, that place is so cool. What is it he asked? Well it's just a thrift store but all the people who work there are in recovery. It's a one year program where they house you and teach job skills. By the time you get out you have skills enough to enter society and not relapse. I go to the methadone clinic he said. I have to go every morning. I think soon I won't have to go every day. That's how I make it.
Told me he was a vet and we talked about many other things. I paid for his bus ticket and drove away thinking about all that had happened.
This morning I stopped to get milk. I didn't get my usual cashier. She was one lane over but noticed I had Emma with me. When we were done we made our way to her register. She had one of those rare breaks with no customers. She asked if I'd found the Hotwheel she's looking for. Then she asked if we had stayed in the lodge at Crater Lake (I had my CL hoodie on.) She then began to tell me of her own trip there when she was young. How the transmission on her dad's new truck quit when they got there. How he was able to tow it home. She said he fixed it as tears started to appear. He could fix anything. It's all my fault! If I had called 911 faster he wouldn't have died. She's really working to hold back tears now. So your dad died soon after? Yes. It's been over 50 years and I still blame myself. If I had just called 911 sooner. I know it's not my fault. I know it, but I just can't believe it. As she points to her head and then her heart I say yeah, it's just those 12 inches. She said a friend was going to a conference on grief this Friday through her church but she has to work. I said I know a place. A place where we help you move those 12 inches from the head to heart.
I don't know if she will go. I do know that God ordained this moment. I played my part for now. I don't know if my part is over in these two lives or if I have more to play but I pray Lord that I am ready. I pray Lord that you have your way. That they each get what they need from you.
I more often than not fall when God says stand. I walk when He says run. I sit when He says walk. But He chose me and He is using me. Despite my failures and inconsistencies He still uses me. He still loves me. He says I choose you, still. Man, what a great God we serve.
50 years! It keeps ringing in my head. Over 50 years and I still blame myself. Oh God, I can't wait til you give her peace. I can't wait until I see her on the other side of that grief. Do your thing God!!
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Who am i?
I have fought myself for many years. I stand in the mirror and throw punches. No, not really, but there are parts of me that have left me seriously questioning God. Ultra stubbornness and extreme inconsistency are maybe the two biggest.
I fought God so long and hard. Like I wanted to give up and give all to Him but I just couldn't let myself do that. God I know your promises and I know your plans for me are good but I will not let go. I prayed, I screamed, I yelled. I may have even cussed. Why would God make me in such a way that would be counter to me being able to surrender? I just couldn't get it.
And then there's the other one. I just love this. This is the greatest thing ever. What happened to that thing someone would ask. Oh, I dunno, just not that in to it anymore. It's only been a week. I know but I just don't care anymore. Or here's a real life example. I built a Coke light fixture for my kitchen. It's pretty cool, I mean everybody loves it. I bought some more materials, did somewhat of a cost analysis, and now it's like, meh, it's cool but I want to do something different. I have a product that's cool and I could sell for profit and I just can't do it cause I'm bored. Or my wife's college countdown thing. It's also cool and she would wait all week to see what the new numbers looked like but I'm bored with it and have not kept up for at least three weeks now.
These two areas have wreaked havoc on my life for 44 years now. No more! I am not going to fight my weaknesses any more. In fact, they are probably not weak areas anyways. I am embracing them. I am looking at the direction I want to go and including them in my planning. If I build something and now the thrill is gone, oh well. It served it's purpose. If I need consistency in an area of ministry I will look for God to supply a person who can keep moving forward. To push me when I need pushed. To make phone calls I am unwilling to make them. Obviously life or God is not going to let me off the hook all the time. I will fail some. I will have to force myself ahead when it sucks. To the best of my ability I will not stop to demoralize myself when my design leads to my failure. God made me this way. I will move forward, forgive myself, and fix it. Do it different or not at all next time. I will learn and push forward with God's help. If not for Him why go anywhere? I want to follow you where ever you lead God and do the best that you know I can do for your will God. Lead me where you will. I am yours. Oh, and I almost forgot, well I did forget about stubbornness. Apparently that one works for God too. Like so many things that would have caused me doubt and worry before no longer do because I know what I have with God and nothing can break that. I will fight to the death and that would be victory. I will never let go of God, I just won't. That's me being stubborn. God is and will continue to put me in difficult places but I will not be shaken. Not simply because I will it, but because God placed a seemingly negative thing so deep within me that I can't give up even when I want to. So now that I've seen God use it it is amazing. It is a blessing.
So many places I can wish I were different but it is my determination to use those things. And if possible to use them for the glory of God. I hope that you might take a new look at some of your negative places and try to see them differently. Or to ask God what He might want that in there for. Ask Him to reveal His purpose in that thing and then be patient. The answer might be a long time coming. Embrace yourself. Even those weird idiotic things that drive you crazy. Embrace them. If you have parts that make you feel like an outcast, know this. We all do. The same or different, you are not alone.
I fought God so long and hard. Like I wanted to give up and give all to Him but I just couldn't let myself do that. God I know your promises and I know your plans for me are good but I will not let go. I prayed, I screamed, I yelled. I may have even cussed. Why would God make me in such a way that would be counter to me being able to surrender? I just couldn't get it.
And then there's the other one. I just love this. This is the greatest thing ever. What happened to that thing someone would ask. Oh, I dunno, just not that in to it anymore. It's only been a week. I know but I just don't care anymore. Or here's a real life example. I built a Coke light fixture for my kitchen. It's pretty cool, I mean everybody loves it. I bought some more materials, did somewhat of a cost analysis, and now it's like, meh, it's cool but I want to do something different. I have a product that's cool and I could sell for profit and I just can't do it cause I'm bored. Or my wife's college countdown thing. It's also cool and she would wait all week to see what the new numbers looked like but I'm bored with it and have not kept up for at least three weeks now.
These two areas have wreaked havoc on my life for 44 years now. No more! I am not going to fight my weaknesses any more. In fact, they are probably not weak areas anyways. I am embracing them. I am looking at the direction I want to go and including them in my planning. If I build something and now the thrill is gone, oh well. It served it's purpose. If I need consistency in an area of ministry I will look for God to supply a person who can keep moving forward. To push me when I need pushed. To make phone calls I am unwilling to make them. Obviously life or God is not going to let me off the hook all the time. I will fail some. I will have to force myself ahead when it sucks. To the best of my ability I will not stop to demoralize myself when my design leads to my failure. God made me this way. I will move forward, forgive myself, and fix it. Do it different or not at all next time. I will learn and push forward with God's help. If not for Him why go anywhere? I want to follow you where ever you lead God and do the best that you know I can do for your will God. Lead me where you will. I am yours. Oh, and I almost forgot, well I did forget about stubbornness. Apparently that one works for God too. Like so many things that would have caused me doubt and worry before no longer do because I know what I have with God and nothing can break that. I will fight to the death and that would be victory. I will never let go of God, I just won't. That's me being stubborn. God is and will continue to put me in difficult places but I will not be shaken. Not simply because I will it, but because God placed a seemingly negative thing so deep within me that I can't give up even when I want to. So now that I've seen God use it it is amazing. It is a blessing.
So many places I can wish I were different but it is my determination to use those things. And if possible to use them for the glory of God. I hope that you might take a new look at some of your negative places and try to see them differently. Or to ask God what He might want that in there for. Ask Him to reveal His purpose in that thing and then be patient. The answer might be a long time coming. Embrace yourself. Even those weird idiotic things that drive you crazy. Embrace them. If you have parts that make you feel like an outcast, know this. We all do. The same or different, you are not alone.
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Does the words we use hurt our ability for closeness with God?
If God is always with us then we can't really walk away from Him can we? I may stop talking to Him and live my life in complete ignorance of Him, but He's still right there. The importance of this is I never have to climb back to Him. He is always right there with me.
I've fallen away. I've walked away from God. I've fallen so far from God. I've backslidden. I've strayed too far from God. There are a lot more ways that we as Christians word this. One thing is constant. The space between us and God becomes greater. Theres just one problem with this. It is not possible. There is nothing we can do to make space between God and our person. No matter the graveness of your sin, you cannot move yourself away from God.
I am becoming convinced this is the defining component of intimacy with the Creator. This is His unconditional love. No matter my failing He does not fail me. Nothing I do can separate me from the love of God. Believing this I no longer stress every detail. My devotional time does not have to be. I don't know how to finish that. It doesn't have to be any certain thing. Any certain period of time. Any certain day. All of my life is done with God. There isn't a separation of this part is God's and this is mine. It is all one. I don't want to sin against God but even if I do something greatly wrong, there is no space created between me and God. I feel bad. I feel sucky. I don't want to talk to God because I feel guilty, not worthy. My feelings lie to me. The truth is as soon as I confess it to God, it's gone. I'm as right as ever with God.
Regardless of the reason, if I believe I've gotten further from God because of anything, I've got to close that distance once again. How terrible it is to feel I've created space between God and me. It may very well be that our language, our Christianology, is the cause of so many being unable to find closeness with God.
I've fallen away. I've walked away from God. I've fallen so far from God. I've backslidden. I've strayed too far from God. There are a lot more ways that we as Christians word this. One thing is constant. The space between us and God becomes greater. Theres just one problem with this. It is not possible. There is nothing we can do to make space between God and our person. No matter the graveness of your sin, you cannot move yourself away from God.
I am becoming convinced this is the defining component of intimacy with the Creator. This is His unconditional love. No matter my failing He does not fail me. Nothing I do can separate me from the love of God. Believing this I no longer stress every detail. My devotional time does not have to be. I don't know how to finish that. It doesn't have to be any certain thing. Any certain period of time. Any certain day. All of my life is done with God. There isn't a separation of this part is God's and this is mine. It is all one. I don't want to sin against God but even if I do something greatly wrong, there is no space created between me and God. I feel bad. I feel sucky. I don't want to talk to God because I feel guilty, not worthy. My feelings lie to me. The truth is as soon as I confess it to God, it's gone. I'm as right as ever with God.
Regardless of the reason, if I believe I've gotten further from God because of anything, I've got to close that distance once again. How terrible it is to feel I've created space between God and me. It may very well be that our language, our Christianology, is the cause of so many being unable to find closeness with God.
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