This is some of my journey to find intimate space with God. It wont be a blueprint for you but I hope you will find some nuggets in here. It's long, and somewhat painful, and here for you. If this helps you, know that God placed this here for you. God bless.
What I really want to do is publish a how-to manual on intimacy with God. In order for me to do that you're gonna have to go back in time 43 years and be born to my parents, have my name, and live my life exactly as I have. Our journey's to intimacy are as you-nique as you are, and as I am. You are so special that God has a one off plan of intimacy for you only. And the uniqueness of that plan is part of what creates that intimacy.
I am very angry. I have tried everything I know to find intimacy with God. Many times I have sat in my chair in the yard after dropping kids at school. Opening the Word I just read and read. An hour, hour and a half, it's like life to my bones. There's this nagging inside that I should be getting work done but this is much more important. Then I grab my list and begin praying for people. Ten to thirty minutes later it's time to move on, to do my day.
Day after day I do this. It's great, but it's not somehow. Emptiness is consuming me. I get to the end of my day and think, oh yeah, I forgot about you God. Knowing I haven't thought about You since my morning ritual creates more emptiness.
Did my devotions at the park in my car. Had the most amazing time with God. Next day was good but not like yesterday. Third day was a failure. I felt nothing. I am such a failure. Why can I not have the intimacy I see in others during Sunday worship? How do they get there? I give up. I am so pathetic. This is so easy for many others but I guess it's just not for me. Stupid friggin dog gonnit worthless person I am.
That was bad. I'm so glad that's over, today was amazing. God, this is the start of something new. Oh my gosh. I can't wait until tomorrow to do this again. Well it wasn't as good today but not everything is gonna be the same every time. Felt kinda lifeless today but gonna keep pressing on. Why do I even keep doing this? It's not doing anything. I might as well just go about my day and not do this at all. This is stupid God. Why wont you give me what I need?
I don't understand how I can spend so much time with You and feel lifeless. And why do I not think about you at all during the rest of my day? I know you've planted this desire for intimacy with You inside of me but I don't understand why you're keeping it from me. It's all part of your plan. Gotta trust the plan. I hate the damn plan.
Ok, time for a fresh start. God please ipen your word to me. Make it life to my bones and speak to me here. Amen. Wow! Today was the best time I've had with God in forever. Definitely.gonna build on this tomorrow. Man, I still didn't think of you at all today since my time this morning. But I'm gonna work on that. Tomorrow is a new day.
Another great day, great morning with God. This is what I'm talking about. How come this has been so elusive God? I wish every day was like this. Oh man. Now back to the rest of life. Gotta get that car done today. Got the car done, the yard mowed, fixed Tony's trike and a good dinner for a change. What a great day. Oh yeah, and you too God. I kinda forgot about you in the business of the day. But tomorrow will be better. I promise.
Paid some bills and picked up those parts to get that job done. Didn't get my time in the word today but I know God is ok with that. He's not up there with a gavel to punish me. It's been feeling kinda lifeless anyways.
God I have done everything. Everything you have asked of me. I hate you! I mean I don't really hate you but it hurts so bad. I really want to hate you. It's not your fault though. It's me. I'm just not cut out for intimacy. It's just not me. I don't know why you would make me this way but you did. So it really is your fault. But it doesn't matter. I'm a sad, useless, uggh! I don't even have words for what I am. I'm that pathetic, huh? Why would you do this to me? To any person? I am a stupid fuckin waste of oxygen use. I am taking away from your planet. Why would you put me here? I give up! It's not worth trying any more.
I reached the end of my rope. I wanted to not be not here anymore. There were no other options though. I just wanted to run away, to leave my family, my responsibilities. To just disappear. To find myself in some New Mexico town working in a minimart where no one knows me and no one relies on me. To disappear as much as I could from society. But that wouldn't fix anything. I would still be stuck with me.
God took me to a place of healing. A place where an unknown woman whispered in my ear "the intimacy you seek with God you already have."
The color suddenly filled my world again. Like I had journeyed a thousand miles to find a treasure, only to find it was in my pack the entire time. Literally my whole world changed in that instant and I began a new journey that I am still on.
I don't have all the answers for you. Maybe even none. And I don't want to fill your head with seemingly empty rhetoric of "God has all the answers", or "just trust Him." I do believe these things are true but they probably will not comfort your heart. I do want you to know part of my story and to know that you are not alone.
Did you notice the result(s) of all my efforts? Take from this what you will. I really hope that your journey is nowhere near as painful as mine but more importantly, please continue the journey. And do not compare others with yourself. And throw away any preconceived notion of what intimacy looks like. And don't eat Spam. And if you can smell colors, have the doctor change your meds.
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