Demons

     Boy do I have my demons.  I guess there's all sorts of different aspects of life I could look at in this respect.  I've been married for almost 20 years, yet much of my time is spent close to that of a single father.  My wife, my lover, my best friend, she is the adult in our relationship.  She works a full time job and then carries a full load between college and university working towards her bachelors and I think probably masters degree after that.  I am the stay at home sloth.  See, there's one of my demons poking his head out.  I always believed in working hard and supporting a family.  Being the stay at home dad/work at home dad sure has it's moments, moments where the condemnation of not doing my part, of being too lazy, not keeping the house up, not keeping everything in time, is just about more than I can handle.  It is so hard to share this load with anyone.  It's hard to find time to share anything with anyone, at least that's what it feels like.  It's not right to unload it on Chris, she has more than one should have to carry already.  Class comes two nights a week and every other Saturday, then three of the four kids have an activity one night a week that one of us has to get them to.  The remaining one weekday night is my Bible study twice a month.  Boy do I need that.

     It's not just the busyness of it all but there aren't a lot of adults to talk to at work.  I make sure to talk to myself as much as possible, guess I'm gifted that way, but it is nice for the voices to be outside my head sometimes.  Maybe the bigger enemy is my dysfunction.  There are two main buggers here: Asbergers and Seasonal Affect Disorder.  My spellcheck didn't like asbergers and wanted to change it to beefburgers.  Sure would taste better.  So asbergers is a social disease to a great extent.  Difficulty socializing, making new friends, meeting new people.  My first impression is often jerk. I'm sure that might be good if I was a Communist leader but not helping my life much.  And Sad is the Northwest disease.  Without exposure to sun and it's warmth my whole world turns dark.  What makes this a trifecta is depression.  I always figured my depression was pretty mild, but with the death of Robyn Williams, it has become apparent to me that it is quite the opposite.  During that time I posted on fb what it is like inside of me during depression.  It was the first time I've ever been able to imagine myself into that mental state in order to explain it.  Unfortunately, I spent a few weeks or more trying to dig myself out of the hole that caused.  I don't think I can read that again without crying.  Some days I drop the kids off at school, put Emma to bed after a while, and then curl up on the couch under a blanket and sleep.  The world just looks so cold and ugly.

     So here's my plan.  Change and new things are enemies of mine so the plan, the very very simple plan, will take some time to implement.  I'm gonna try cinnamon flavor fclo and when I can't seem to venture out to the world (actually the world is ok, like Walmart or Autozone, but going to the shop or just doing laundry is hard) I'm gonna partner with my savior.  Maybe reading scripture and journaling or blogging (see, already started) or praying for myself and others.  These are probably the more positive things but a movie is not a terrible thing.  All things in moderation right?  Something like that.  All said and done, I have a very blessed life.  I have a great job, an awesome wife, super duper kids, and God provides for all my needs.  Yes, even in my depression God is there.  Clearing some rocks out of the way, pulling my sorry butt over others, He never leaves, He never will.  He blesses me sooo richly.

     This is not to make you feel bad for me.  These are my demons--some of them.  You have your demons.  We all do.  So what are your demons?  How will you, how do you handle them?  This is why we have the body of Christ.  Why we NEED the body of Christ.  There are many people who lighten my load, who help me put it in perspective.  Sometimes I get to help with your burden.  We need each other.  Sometimes those demons are conquerable.  I desperately want to be there to help you find relief from your burdens.  To shine God's light in the dark places.  To offer hope.  There is light, and here is where it is.  Some of you will never find relief until I step into the place, the void reserved for me, and do what God has reserved just for me.  Some of my stuff will never be healed until you step into that similar empty place and do what God has given you to do.  What a shame it is when we see church as only take, as only what will fill me.  This is a selfish disease, probably most pronounced in Americans.  Just like marriage, if I give first I will surely be filled.

     Is this a good place to end?  I really get inspired about things but then often don't know how to wrap up so to speak.  My mom just called to tell me her dog hurt Josh pretty good on his leg below the knee so now my thoughts are kinda scattered.  It's how life goes, huh?  Something always bumping off course.  Mmmm, beefburgers.......it is past lunch.  Now I feel kinda extra stupid.  It's aspergers with a p not a b.  Now added to my spellcheck dictionary.  but beefburgers is in there.  Wouldn't that be two words?  Hmmm.