It's amazing how God speaks into my life. Today at church a guy I really respect said he enjoys reading my blog. Sometimes I feel like I have to write, if I dont get it out I'll explode, the rest of the time I wonder if there's any purpose. If anyone cares at all. I've settled for myself anyways that my writing is mostly for me and if you get something out of it that's an amazing bonus. So to get a compliment and be told to keep doing it is really special to me.
So this guy, I'll just call him David to make this easier, really impresses me. He has a natural gift for young people and has followed this into ministry. I have seen him grow so much in the last few years. This is doubly impressive because only from a distance do I get to observe him. In his speech and action I see a depth of intimacy with God.
I wish I was consistent in my life. I would kill to have an insatiable hunger for God 24/7. Not having looked at dates it seems a while since the last blog post. This is a form of evidence of consistency lacking. When close to God He stirs my heart so there is much to share. Maybe David talking to me is God saying get with it Jethro. Get out of neutral and into gear. Any gear, just get moving.
I remember a boss I had years ago. She was frustrated by my inconsistency. I was really good at this job. On any given day I was a rock star. I could out drive anyone on the forklift, out pick anyone on the order picker, I could see the whole operation as if it was in my hand. Other days however, boredom or not caring or I don't know what and I didn't even meet production. She just couldn't understand. Heck, I couldn't understand. I still don't. It's one of those things I've come to look at through the lens of my creator though. That's the only comfort I can find. God created me, He made me this way. That's not an excuse for me to quit trying to be better. It is a place where I know God does not condemn me for my low times but stretches out His hand and with His index finger beckons me forward. He calls me to Himself, over and over and over.
You know what else is amazing? Somehow, some way, in my low times, in my times of rebellion, or dark times, God grows me. God grows our relationship, deepens our intimacy. I believe that is what intimacy is; a intimate knowing that my failings do not take Him away from me. That as I turn around He is right there and we continue on together. There is no need to rehash my failure. There may be need for forgiveness, but all is new. I am clean, I am forgiven, we are good.
I have wasted so much time in my life with condemnation, with self criticism. Feeling so guilty for every time of failing. Instead of continuing on in growth this is just a spinning of the wheels. Often sliding backward. This is not how God wants us. This is the antithesis of relationship. This is me by myself hating myself. God is not in it. He wants to be in it. In the good and the bad. No relationship is only about good.
I thank God that He comes after me. He comes after you. He pursues us violently. He moved heaven and earth to be with us. He still moves heaven and earth for us. Will you accept that? Have you accepted that? It's ok if you haven't. God is still chasing you. He will never stop. He will never tire. He loves you, He loves me. Our purpose is to seek Him yet it is He who seeks us.
If you don't know this intimacy. If you are still chasing. If you are still spinning. You need to stop looking for the answers. Stop looking for solutions to your search. Just stop. Ask God. If you don't know Him. I don't know who you are or if you exist so prove it to me. Prove you exist. I cannot find that place of intimacy with you God so you have to do it for me. He will answer. He will not do it how you expect. He will not do it in the time you want or need. Just give up and let God do it though. God's got this. God has got you. He has got me too and that's the thing that keeps me going. He holds it all.
Sunday, December 6, 2015
Thursday, November 19, 2015
What should be my concern today?
I have been doing a lot of thinking, and reading, and thinking and here is some of what I've come up with.
Eternity is all that matters. I don't mean that in a way that what we do on earth doesn't matter, precisely just the opposite. Everything should be about knocking on heaven's door.
I am first and foremost to find relationship with my creator and then beyond sustaining that I am to work with He to build and grow that relationship. If I don't get this first step right then all other stuff will be damned before even begun.
Next, I've got to take what God has given me and plant and water what I have been given to sow eternally in my wife and children. There are millions of possibilities of things I can do for and against my family but none hold a candle to eternity.
The circles continue to grow outward from me from the most intimate relationships out to the least. At every place though there is no thing more important than eternity.
If I've done my job right and a family member in my house dies they will be with God in eternity immediately. They can choose a different path to hell I know but I can only do my part and leave the rest to God. I know I'm not saying this very well. It was all so clear in my head.
Throughout history very dark times have come on the church. These times have served to move the gospel to places it has never been. God is all about the big picture. When David Wilkerson was speaking to Nicky Cruz on a sidewalk and Nicky held out a knife and threatened to cut David up, David responded, you can cut me into pieces but every piece will still love you. David was sure of his salvation, of what mattered. He was also sure that Nicky and every gang member were deserving and capable of having the same salvation.
It seems in our culture we are more concerned for life on this world then in the next. What do we have to fear? What are we living for? If, for example, a Syrian refugee given love and shelter in my home killed my kids, could I still respond in love? My kids with God having received the prize. Is this person not still worth being loved? This sounds like and is a radical example and I don't know if I could respond in love. Looking through the lens of history it is events like this that have preserved and moved the gospel around the world. Is not moving the gospel worth all? The apostle Paul said for to me to live is Christ, but to die is gain. It's a win win. Early Christians faced the lions and were violently killed for sport in front of thousands of people. This came to an end when they began laying their lives down willingly, not fearing death but embracing it for their reward. Once the sport of it was removed it died out. We know that this nation that originally massacred the saints became a Christian nation and spread the gospel across the known world. Their sacrifice led to salvation for many, many more.
What would these same Christians who died almost two thousand years ago, who have seen the fruit of their destruction, what would they say to us today? Where would they tell us to invest? What about the placement of our security? What would they say is important?
If I could have their view. If I could see past the veil of this world. Peel back the curtain of this life. To truly see all the workings and what's at stake. I can't imagine that seeing that wouldn't completely alter my life. God in His wisdom doesn't allow us that luxury. God has not given more so therefore everything I need to make my personal eternal decision and help others make theirs has been given me.
Ironically this means that genuine followers of Christ can land on quite opposite sides on issues of refugees and terrorism and gun control and birth control and so many other issues. I pray that God would continue to give me more of His heart for people. That I would see all people as He does. And I pray that I would love those who seem to me to come in with views contrary to Godliness.
My hope in writing this is that you would look more closely for eternity in every day decisions. What is it God would do if we could take our eyes off of the here and now.
Eternity is all that matters. I don't mean that in a way that what we do on earth doesn't matter, precisely just the opposite. Everything should be about knocking on heaven's door.
I am first and foremost to find relationship with my creator and then beyond sustaining that I am to work with He to build and grow that relationship. If I don't get this first step right then all other stuff will be damned before even begun.
Next, I've got to take what God has given me and plant and water what I have been given to sow eternally in my wife and children. There are millions of possibilities of things I can do for and against my family but none hold a candle to eternity.
The circles continue to grow outward from me from the most intimate relationships out to the least. At every place though there is no thing more important than eternity.
If I've done my job right and a family member in my house dies they will be with God in eternity immediately. They can choose a different path to hell I know but I can only do my part and leave the rest to God. I know I'm not saying this very well. It was all so clear in my head.
Throughout history very dark times have come on the church. These times have served to move the gospel to places it has never been. God is all about the big picture. When David Wilkerson was speaking to Nicky Cruz on a sidewalk and Nicky held out a knife and threatened to cut David up, David responded, you can cut me into pieces but every piece will still love you. David was sure of his salvation, of what mattered. He was also sure that Nicky and every gang member were deserving and capable of having the same salvation.
It seems in our culture we are more concerned for life on this world then in the next. What do we have to fear? What are we living for? If, for example, a Syrian refugee given love and shelter in my home killed my kids, could I still respond in love? My kids with God having received the prize. Is this person not still worth being loved? This sounds like and is a radical example and I don't know if I could respond in love. Looking through the lens of history it is events like this that have preserved and moved the gospel around the world. Is not moving the gospel worth all? The apostle Paul said for to me to live is Christ, but to die is gain. It's a win win. Early Christians faced the lions and were violently killed for sport in front of thousands of people. This came to an end when they began laying their lives down willingly, not fearing death but embracing it for their reward. Once the sport of it was removed it died out. We know that this nation that originally massacred the saints became a Christian nation and spread the gospel across the known world. Their sacrifice led to salvation for many, many more.
What would these same Christians who died almost two thousand years ago, who have seen the fruit of their destruction, what would they say to us today? Where would they tell us to invest? What about the placement of our security? What would they say is important?
If I could have their view. If I could see past the veil of this world. Peel back the curtain of this life. To truly see all the workings and what's at stake. I can't imagine that seeing that wouldn't completely alter my life. God in His wisdom doesn't allow us that luxury. God has not given more so therefore everything I need to make my personal eternal decision and help others make theirs has been given me.
Ironically this means that genuine followers of Christ can land on quite opposite sides on issues of refugees and terrorism and gun control and birth control and so many other issues. I pray that God would continue to give me more of His heart for people. That I would see all people as He does. And I pray that I would love those who seem to me to come in with views contrary to Godliness.
My hope in writing this is that you would look more closely for eternity in every day decisions. What is it God would do if we could take our eyes off of the here and now.
O God
O God, you are my comfort in troubled times.
O God, you are my comfort in peaceful times.
O God, who am I? Who am I? Little ol me?
O God, who are you? Great and mighty king.
O God, ruler of all, king of all kings and principalities.
O God, why do you take time to look upon me?
O God, what could I have of value to you?
O God, how many times a day do I fail you?
O God, is there ever a time when some evil doesn't color my heart towards you?
O God, do you see the wickedness of my heart?
O God, your son made me purer than the whitest snow.
O God, why do I worry what others think? Who are they above you?
O God, why do I not believe what you say about me? Why do I doubt you?
O God, am I walking in the fullness of your purposes for my life?
O God, how can I not miss the many times you want to use me in anothers life?
O God, how can I see the greatness of mission in raising my kids?
O God, does my pride make me think I serve you more than I do?
O God, do not let my confidence in your gifts slip into pride.
O God, may I hear and follow your Holy Spirit and not anything or anyone else.
O God, help me be everything my wife needs me to be.
O God, may you meet others in the place of their need through me.
O God, make me smaller and you greater each and every day.
O God, you are my comfort in peaceful times.
O God, who am I? Who am I? Little ol me?
O God, who are you? Great and mighty king.
O God, ruler of all, king of all kings and principalities.
O God, why do you take time to look upon me?
O God, what could I have of value to you?
O God, how many times a day do I fail you?
O God, is there ever a time when some evil doesn't color my heart towards you?
O God, do you see the wickedness of my heart?
O God, your son made me purer than the whitest snow.
O God, why do I worry what others think? Who are they above you?
O God, why do I not believe what you say about me? Why do I doubt you?
O God, am I walking in the fullness of your purposes for my life?
O God, how can I not miss the many times you want to use me in anothers life?
O God, how can I see the greatness of mission in raising my kids?
O God, does my pride make me think I serve you more than I do?
O God, do not let my confidence in your gifts slip into pride.
O God, may I hear and follow your Holy Spirit and not anything or anyone else.
O God, help me be everything my wife needs me to be.
O God, may you meet others in the place of their need through me.
O God, make me smaller and you greater each and every day.
Thursday, October 29, 2015
God. The loving and perfect judge
My buddy was telling me a story the other day about a man who was separated from his wife and kids and then killed them and tried to get himself killed so they could all be together in heaven. He was able to kill himself a short time into his prison sentence. Terrible theology aside, I could see my friend was still quite affected by those events years ago, and still in some ways wished he could have truly made the man suffer or pay for the things he did. I reassured my friend that he was indeed paying a far greater price than we could levy against him. He agreed and that was kind of the end of it.
My immediate thought when confronted with the idea of he needing to be punished was that of God being the final judge. Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord, and that was good enough in the moment. But as I started driving home, I tried to picture what that might look like. Here's what I came up with.
After he died I think he met God. I think God pulled him in, wrapped His arms around him and held him tight. I can hear God say, my precious, precious child, how I love you. How I wish you had known my love in your life. I think in these brief moments this man instantly understood God's love. What that could have meant for his family and for himself. He fully understood his meaning and purpose on the earth, how he was meant to live, and the cavernous void that was instead his life. But more than anything, he understood that this God who now was not God, but simply Love, who had been holding him tight, was now letting him go to be taken to the place of eternal torment, where the weeping and gnashing of teeth would be his own. Where it has been his own for many years. Where these years probably seem like a million forevers to him.
No greater regret will there ever be.
My immediate thought when confronted with the idea of he needing to be punished was that of God being the final judge. Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord, and that was good enough in the moment. But as I started driving home, I tried to picture what that might look like. Here's what I came up with.
After he died I think he met God. I think God pulled him in, wrapped His arms around him and held him tight. I can hear God say, my precious, precious child, how I love you. How I wish you had known my love in your life. I think in these brief moments this man instantly understood God's love. What that could have meant for his family and for himself. He fully understood his meaning and purpose on the earth, how he was meant to live, and the cavernous void that was instead his life. But more than anything, he understood that this God who now was not God, but simply Love, who had been holding him tight, was now letting him go to be taken to the place of eternal torment, where the weeping and gnashing of teeth would be his own. Where it has been his own for many years. Where these years probably seem like a million forevers to him.
No greater regret will there ever be.
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
The bumpy ride back to earth,aka,The Great Letdown.
The space shuttle is a complex vehicle. As it sits on earth the demands on it are very little. However, thousands upon thousands of man hours are spent working to ensure a smooth launch, a proper trajectory, dumping boosters, launching equipment in space, docking with the space station, and eventually re entry into earth's atmosphere.
Once home the shuttles job is pretty much finished. It will sit for extended periods of time serving little to no function. But to get it there is no easy task. If the correct speed and angle of re-entry into earth's atmosphere are not used the whole thing would turn into a large hunk of charcoal.
I am struggling to re-enter my life. There is no complex structure to it. I drive kids to and from school, make lunch, change diapers, maintain the house, and fiddle around in the shop. Most of which I could do when I was sick (when the pain was managed). I could not wait to get better and get back in to life. Now that it's here, seems there is not much to get back in to. Feels like the great let down.
The pain was so great that to get through it to the next period of peace was a big accomplishment. Now I look around and that same level of accomplishment is nowhere to be found. Just a feeling of disallusionment. Seems wrong somehow. I'm sure in no time at all I will readjust to the boringness of my life and all will be fine again. I think though it's time to get in the house and make sure all is good. Can't leave the minions alone too long.
Once home the shuttles job is pretty much finished. It will sit for extended periods of time serving little to no function. But to get it there is no easy task. If the correct speed and angle of re-entry into earth's atmosphere are not used the whole thing would turn into a large hunk of charcoal.
I am struggling to re-enter my life. There is no complex structure to it. I drive kids to and from school, make lunch, change diapers, maintain the house, and fiddle around in the shop. Most of which I could do when I was sick (when the pain was managed). I could not wait to get better and get back in to life. Now that it's here, seems there is not much to get back in to. Feels like the great let down.
The pain was so great that to get through it to the next period of peace was a big accomplishment. Now I look around and that same level of accomplishment is nowhere to be found. Just a feeling of disallusionment. Seems wrong somehow. I'm sure in no time at all I will readjust to the boringness of my life and all will be fine again. I think though it's time to get in the house and make sure all is good. Can't leave the minions alone too long.
When the darkness covers the source of the light, is there still light?
The last eleven days has been crazy. 3 trips to ER, one surgery, and hours and hours of pain. Got my first ambulance ride also. Seems like I dropped out of life. My life specifically came to a halt, but my wife and kids have missed out on quite a bit too.
The pain scale is from 1-10 with little smily or frowny or crying faces to illustrate. I added to mine because I felt there was pain up to 12 and even 14. I figure up to 10 is excruciating but still able to basic function. Able to walk, able to talk even if difficult. There were several times the pain dropped me to my knees, times I rocked and stiffened into contorted shapes. I couldn't even cry. It seemed crying would need an end and I didn't know if an end would come. An hour, six hours. I learned to expect the pain, to live with rocking and moaning, pulling at my hair, breathing so fast I couldn't breathe, filling my stomach with air causing more pain. We never could manage all my pain but came sorta close taking 3 Oxycodone every 3 hours. The doctor said the pain was probably inflammation. Today I passed a blockage so now I am dealing with only inflammation pain which seems manageable so far. Kidney stones. The ultimate torture device.
In everything in my life I look for the positive. Not so much God caused this to......fill in the blank, but more like this is happening, has happened, what good can be made out of it.
One thing is this; this experience is reshaping my empathy or lack of. Lots of people have kidney stones, they pass them, then move on with life. I have done this several times. But apparently this is not always the case. So what other things may happen to others that knock them off center? Things I may think are trivial but may be life altering to them. There are an infinite number of ways I can and do judge others. Even when I get it right I'm not sure that's a good thing.
Sunday was day 13 and still have struggled to manage pain. Took my last 2 oxycodone at 11 am when we got to church. As we sat there God presented Chris with Job. She didn't understand. Knowing Job lost everything she tossed that back at God. He said that indeed we hadn't lost everything but our lives had come to a complete stop with no indication of a time when things might get better. A type of hopelessness. My wife said "no amount of pain is going to shake our faith in God."
After service Sunday I was talking to a guy and he prayed for me, that was the last prescription pain medicine I've taken. But, that night as I was trying to sleep the pain started in again. I tried so hard to stay quiet, to not move around, to allow Chris to continue sleeping. It just hurt so bad. Finally, wanting to remain quiet I said in my head, Satan, you dumb bastard, pain will never shake my faith in God. Instantly the pain was gone. I've had some pain since but it has been manageable with Motrin.
I didn't fellowship or talk with God much this couple of weeks. Every time I'd start talking to God the questions would come out. Why me? Why now? Why so much pain? I don't believe in these questions for myself. And I mean that very specifically for myself. God is the same good, amazing God that He is when the sun is shining and my skin feels the warmth as when the clouds roll in and block the sun. The rains come, the lightening strikes, I feel wet to the bone, but God's love has not changed. I may not see it or feel it's warmth but His love has not moved. So for me to ask those questions in the storm is to question the goodness of God and I won't do that. I cannot stress enough that I am not advocating periods of rest from relationship with God. Please be as deep in relationship with God as you can and let your actions and your rests come out of that. Enough said I hope.
There will be darkness. How will you fair?
The pain scale is from 1-10 with little smily or frowny or crying faces to illustrate. I added to mine because I felt there was pain up to 12 and even 14. I figure up to 10 is excruciating but still able to basic function. Able to walk, able to talk even if difficult. There were several times the pain dropped me to my knees, times I rocked and stiffened into contorted shapes. I couldn't even cry. It seemed crying would need an end and I didn't know if an end would come. An hour, six hours. I learned to expect the pain, to live with rocking and moaning, pulling at my hair, breathing so fast I couldn't breathe, filling my stomach with air causing more pain. We never could manage all my pain but came sorta close taking 3 Oxycodone every 3 hours. The doctor said the pain was probably inflammation. Today I passed a blockage so now I am dealing with only inflammation pain which seems manageable so far. Kidney stones. The ultimate torture device.
In everything in my life I look for the positive. Not so much God caused this to......fill in the blank, but more like this is happening, has happened, what good can be made out of it.
One thing is this; this experience is reshaping my empathy or lack of. Lots of people have kidney stones, they pass them, then move on with life. I have done this several times. But apparently this is not always the case. So what other things may happen to others that knock them off center? Things I may think are trivial but may be life altering to them. There are an infinite number of ways I can and do judge others. Even when I get it right I'm not sure that's a good thing.
Sunday was day 13 and still have struggled to manage pain. Took my last 2 oxycodone at 11 am when we got to church. As we sat there God presented Chris with Job. She didn't understand. Knowing Job lost everything she tossed that back at God. He said that indeed we hadn't lost everything but our lives had come to a complete stop with no indication of a time when things might get better. A type of hopelessness. My wife said "no amount of pain is going to shake our faith in God."
After service Sunday I was talking to a guy and he prayed for me, that was the last prescription pain medicine I've taken. But, that night as I was trying to sleep the pain started in again. I tried so hard to stay quiet, to not move around, to allow Chris to continue sleeping. It just hurt so bad. Finally, wanting to remain quiet I said in my head, Satan, you dumb bastard, pain will never shake my faith in God. Instantly the pain was gone. I've had some pain since but it has been manageable with Motrin.
I didn't fellowship or talk with God much this couple of weeks. Every time I'd start talking to God the questions would come out. Why me? Why now? Why so much pain? I don't believe in these questions for myself. And I mean that very specifically for myself. God is the same good, amazing God that He is when the sun is shining and my skin feels the warmth as when the clouds roll in and block the sun. The rains come, the lightening strikes, I feel wet to the bone, but God's love has not changed. I may not see it or feel it's warmth but His love has not moved. So for me to ask those questions in the storm is to question the goodness of God and I won't do that. I cannot stress enough that I am not advocating periods of rest from relationship with God. Please be as deep in relationship with God as you can and let your actions and your rests come out of that. Enough said I hope.
There will be darkness. How will you fair?
Monday, October 5, 2015
Kidney stones and deeper faith. You want ONE of these things.
Saturday night I was laying in bed with pain that had started in the afternoon as a 5 or 6 but by 8 or 9 pm had graduated off the scale. I had been in the er Tuesday morning for excruciating pain, was drugged, prescribed, and sent home. Thursday night back in the er. Again drugged, prescribed, and sent home. Saturday night about 11 pm when I finally agreed for my wife to take me back in the pain was so severe I could barely move. I got out of car by er doors, she sped off to park, I fell to the ground and puked (got it in the bag). She quickly showed up, went to get nurse coming with wheel chair and I began slowly crawling toward door. I couldn't even stand.
Let's back up just a bit. It's somewhere between 9 and 10 pm Saturday night, I'm on my bed, hunched up on my knees and elbows, in pain so bad I don't know how to describe it. Chris finds me after putting kids to bed, not knowing the pain Ive been suffering. She begins asking me questions but my breathing is so quick I can't really talk. I pull my phone close and Youtube a Jeremy Riddle song. I get a 1hr worship set and begin screaming and crying out to my Lord. My singing must have sounded like the hounds of war. I cried out and gave my Savior all I had. He brought His mighty hand down and by the power of His angels did nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nada.
So now we're at the hospital. 3rd trip in 5 days. As per protocol and my best wishes they get me drugged up in a bit of time but the drugs just wont kill the pain. It is brought down quite a bit at times so once again they release me, best of luck sir, get well soon, goodbye. This time however, as soon as the iv is removed my pain comes back with a vengeance. I barely can get dressed with help and by the time I do I'm screaming and yelping in pain. Then someone came in and said they are prepping a room and keeping me overnight.
Sometime between Saturday night and Sunday morning they found my left kidney was blocked, got an or set up and put a stint in. As I understand it the stint keeps the passage open so all the debris blocking my kiney can now escape. It's painful to pee but no pain meds so far.
I begged and begged God to fix it, to remove my pain. I don't know why He didn't. But I do know if I hadn't continued to be in pain at the er Saturday night I would probably still be in that pain.
I don't know why God answered or didn't answer the way He did. But I do trust God. I can only see my little part but God is in the hearts and minds of everyone who was any part of this ordeal, which is not yet finished. I cried out to my God and my wife lay on the bed next to me crying and weeping. When I started singing in my pain she must have thought, what is this idiot doing? Then I asked her to pray for me. I've been praying! I've been praying! She said. I want to hear you. Was my response. She does not feel comfortable praying aloud but I would not relent. Something in me just had to hear her pray. I had to hear her talk to our God for me.
God is always for us. A new or a simple faith needs evidence, needs proof. A mature faith has seen the evidence and proofs of its younger self. It needs not live on those because it has grown deep in relationship with its creator. All of life's journey is for this deeper faith. A shallow faith might get you to heaven but what about now? Don't you want to experience the wonders of God now? I am chasing after an abundant life. The abundant life that Jesus said I should have. I have not arrived. I do not have it all so I am still chasing. I will never arrive completely on this side but I will continue to pursue, for that is my call. To come to know Christ in new and deeper ways.
Let's back up just a bit. It's somewhere between 9 and 10 pm Saturday night, I'm on my bed, hunched up on my knees and elbows, in pain so bad I don't know how to describe it. Chris finds me after putting kids to bed, not knowing the pain Ive been suffering. She begins asking me questions but my breathing is so quick I can't really talk. I pull my phone close and Youtube a Jeremy Riddle song. I get a 1hr worship set and begin screaming and crying out to my Lord. My singing must have sounded like the hounds of war. I cried out and gave my Savior all I had. He brought His mighty hand down and by the power of His angels did nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nada.
So now we're at the hospital. 3rd trip in 5 days. As per protocol and my best wishes they get me drugged up in a bit of time but the drugs just wont kill the pain. It is brought down quite a bit at times so once again they release me, best of luck sir, get well soon, goodbye. This time however, as soon as the iv is removed my pain comes back with a vengeance. I barely can get dressed with help and by the time I do I'm screaming and yelping in pain. Then someone came in and said they are prepping a room and keeping me overnight.
Sometime between Saturday night and Sunday morning they found my left kidney was blocked, got an or set up and put a stint in. As I understand it the stint keeps the passage open so all the debris blocking my kiney can now escape. It's painful to pee but no pain meds so far.
I begged and begged God to fix it, to remove my pain. I don't know why He didn't. But I do know if I hadn't continued to be in pain at the er Saturday night I would probably still be in that pain.
I feel like the rest of this is just religious mumbo jumbo tacked on at the end so if it helps you great. If it bothers you then don't read it.
I don't know why God answered or didn't answer the way He did. But I do trust God. I can only see my little part but God is in the hearts and minds of everyone who was any part of this ordeal, which is not yet finished. I cried out to my God and my wife lay on the bed next to me crying and weeping. When I started singing in my pain she must have thought, what is this idiot doing? Then I asked her to pray for me. I've been praying! I've been praying! She said. I want to hear you. Was my response. She does not feel comfortable praying aloud but I would not relent. Something in me just had to hear her pray. I had to hear her talk to our God for me.
God is always for us. A new or a simple faith needs evidence, needs proof. A mature faith has seen the evidence and proofs of its younger self. It needs not live on those because it has grown deep in relationship with its creator. All of life's journey is for this deeper faith. A shallow faith might get you to heaven but what about now? Don't you want to experience the wonders of God now? I am chasing after an abundant life. The abundant life that Jesus said I should have. I have not arrived. I do not have it all so I am still chasing. I will never arrive completely on this side but I will continue to pursue, for that is my call. To come to know Christ in new and deeper ways.
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