As I think about depression, it's been months since I've been there, and even these thoughts are terrifying. I have no defense against it. I laugh with friends, watch movies and cuddle with my wife, go to church, minister to others, pray, read my Bible, do my hobbies, all the while my insides are turned around. I know there have been good times, but can't touch those good feelings. All of life is veiled in grey. I laugh with a great belly laugh which subsides to be taken over by the great nothing inside. Friends' joy brings pain. I smile, but not for me. I do everything I can to not let you be touched by my pain. No one deserves to feel this. I will carry it all on my own. Must get out of here before my sadness escapes and you too are saddened. Even if you know I'm hurting nothing you do can help me. I can't help myself, there is no way out, no end. There were good times but what was good about them? Why were they good then and not now? Will this ever end? Will good come again? Why is everyone else so happy when I'm so hurt? How can they do that? How dare You? You should be hurting too. It's not fair. How could you not care about me? You don't care about me. I'm gonna go home and hide, be by myself, where no one can be hurt by me. I'm doing everything I can to protect you, why can't you see me? Don't you care? What's wrong with me? Why can no one see me? I'm in here! Look at me! Dont walk away! Please!!! I need you. Stay away. Don't come near. Help me! Aaugh! I hide, curl up in fetal position and rock. Pain, pain, pain, tears, pain.
If
you don't suffer from depression nothing I say will help you understand
but maybe this will give you a glimpse. There is no tiny bit of
exaggeration here. It is all this and more.
I have no defense against depression creeping in and no remedy to crawl out from under. Thank you for reading.
p.s. That is the easier part to describe. This is more difficult to put my finger on. I'm thinking of sci-fi, maybe Dr. Who where someone or something is just slightly out of faze. Like a fraction of a second out of time. You can see them sometimes but mostly just out the corner of your eye. I feel this way sometimes. Like everything in the world is off, just a tiny bit. But not the world but me. And I don't know how to 're-phaze'. Don't know how I got there so I can't get back. I have wondered at times if I have a brain tumor. All my faculties are there, reasoning, logic, pain, laughter, hurt, happiness, everything, but it's not right. The happiness is not joyful, the pain is painful but doesn't hurt right. Like if my logic is still working, my reasoning still working then what is not working? All the pieces are accounted for and test out but the sum of the whole does not. My own judgements cannot be trusted because there is something somewhere that has not been accounted for. The virus scan has come back clean but the virus remains. Why do the systems not operate right?..........I can't tell you how to help someone through depression, even myself. Please be patient, please pray, don't run away. Be the unmoving pillar. I need to know you will be there in the clearing even as I inflict pain and push and shove and reject you. By the grace of God maybe I am being healed from depression but I will always consider myself susceptible at any moment. I must remain aware and on guard.
I have no defense against depression creeping in and no remedy to crawl out from under. Thank you for reading.
p.s. That is the easier part to describe. This is more difficult to put my finger on. I'm thinking of sci-fi, maybe Dr. Who where someone or something is just slightly out of faze. Like a fraction of a second out of time. You can see them sometimes but mostly just out the corner of your eye. I feel this way sometimes. Like everything in the world is off, just a tiny bit. But not the world but me. And I don't know how to 're-phaze'. Don't know how I got there so I can't get back. I have wondered at times if I have a brain tumor. All my faculties are there, reasoning, logic, pain, laughter, hurt, happiness, everything, but it's not right. The happiness is not joyful, the pain is painful but doesn't hurt right. Like if my logic is still working, my reasoning still working then what is not working? All the pieces are accounted for and test out but the sum of the whole does not. My own judgements cannot be trusted because there is something somewhere that has not been accounted for. The virus scan has come back clean but the virus remains. Why do the systems not operate right?..........I can't tell you how to help someone through depression, even myself. Please be patient, please pray, don't run away. Be the unmoving pillar. I need to know you will be there in the clearing even as I inflict pain and push and shove and reject you. By the grace of God maybe I am being healed from depression but I will always consider myself susceptible at any moment. I must remain aware and on guard.
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