Pantheism: 1. The worship of fast things, esp. fast cars. 2. Worship of the band Skillet whose followers are called Panheads.
Catholic: 1. The worldwide association of cat lovers Formerly known as cat-holic.
Atheistm 1. The study of all things singular. Famous tagline "there's just this one thing." Originally just a study group but quickly progressed to religious following when group's leader changed his name to A.
Christianity 1. As the world's greatest religion we all know this one. Stemming from the epic sword battle of 1973 between brothers Chris and Ian. Promoters of the ocean front sword fight cleverly coined the term Christian by placing a sword vertically between their names. Starting Feb. 6 at 6pm and ending june 28th at 4:13am when swords clashed and disintegrated due to rust. 2. The cause of my birth. My parents were so overcome with anticipation in 1971 that they had a sword fight of their own and nine months later along came baby Jethro.
Judaism 1. Hardcore fans of Different Strokes, specifically little Arnold. Ironically the word jew was never uttered by Arnold (Gary Coleman) although followers would rather die than believe the lie he wasn't saying wha-jew-talkin-bout-Willis? 2. Most followers are in the Middle East as the greatest episode ever according to Rotten Tomatoes was filmed on the shores of Galilee. The episode titled "sandal or shoe" was a shoein, haha, pardon the pun, for the '82 Oscars but was snubbed for being tv. Only movies are allowed, duh!
Hebrew Roots 1. People claiming to be somewhere between Jew and Christian. No one understands them as they are anti-violence (no swords) and feverishly pro literacy (no tv) so no one really knows how they came to be or why. 2. A separate group claiming the same title made up of people who search places where jews were killed and buried in ww2. They dig up vegetation looking for the roots of their people. Get it? Hebrew Roots? No proof has ever been found of a type b Hebrew Root person since both Christians and Jews seek to kill them. It is quite dangerous to even be a type a as Christians and Jews do not discriminate.
Buddhism 1. A "life of higher plane" named for the worshippers who harvest the buds of marijuana plants.
Baha'i 1. Ahh, senior trip to Baha summer of '63. Followers seem to have no relation to that senior class so one can only assume they love sun and sand. 2. Those unfortunate folks who make a baha sound and snort through their nose in fits of sudden hysterical laughter. Not a religion but so commonly associated together that the religios leaders of Baha'i added the i in reference to the noodle that in great moments of laughter shoots from the nose. Just sick if you ask me. Some believe the i was added when Steve Jobs joined up.
Confucianism 1. There are so many people in the world living "confused" it was only a matter of time before they gained religious standing. It's crazy watching their meetings because most don't know why they are there and what they are doing. Throw in a few Buddhist's passing out their "leaflet's" and things really get comical.
Hinduism 1. If your beliefs fit no other religion you are Hindu. Known also as Democrat, Hinduism is also the worlds largest union because you can just come as you are. Requirement of at least one pet cow for inclusion and obviously you must be strictly vegetarian because killing plants is ok (they have no feelings).
Islam 1. Also known as the mercenary religion. Home to the squadron knicknamed S.B. 501. S.B. is suicide bomber and 501 is the number of original members. Some say they are not really suicide bombers but horribly untrained pilots. We've not been able to verify as so few remain. 2. Slang for participants in street rap battles in the inner city. i-Slam 2015 to be held in Atlanta. Details forthcoming. Rap is not a religion people! Sheesh!
Jainism 1. Possibly the most violent of all world religions. These are the followers of the man Jane, mercenary extraordinaire on the ship Serenity. Original followers changed spelling of the name out of reverence (fear of their lives). Will kill for money, or vengeance, or food, beer, or really no cause at all. You'd kill too if your mamma named you Jane.
Shinto 1. Brother of Tonto. These are those who seek sibling equality. Would not be a religion if members did not build shrines on totem poles and place them in American malls. Mostly male following as men typically are left to keep themselves busy at the mall. These men feel so lost they look anywhere for guidance and eventually end up at the pole. 2. Young members recruited near the start of school each year at "see you at the pole events" nationwide.
Sikhism 1. These followers know there is much wrong with the world but rather than avoid it they embrace the sickness. Commonly found in prisons and government. Television and internet have rapidly spread their followers even to closed communist countries. I will not describe their practices here.
Taoism 1. Officially T.A.O.ism. Toes And Organs are a society of reapers. Traditionally being crypt keepers and morticians, they have begun to invade medical society as nurses and doctors, etc. Their existence is hush hush as many believe they are the monsters under the bed. Irrational fear is their calling card.
Zoroastrianism 1. A mythical religion based on a mythical being leaving a "Z" in his wake. Claiming to be Zoro, the greatest swordsman ever (besides Chris and Ian of course), followers join fencing clubs and many claim also to be ninjas. It's all nonsense of course, please don't hurt me. I loved Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon by the way. Gotta go.
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