One Last Hit

     I wrote this as a song lyric after an acquaintance died but it hasn't seen music so here it is.

One Last Hit

He killed himself
    Just one more hit for old times sake
No pain no more
    Crossed the line he's not comin' back
One wife six kids
    His last hit forever they bleed

Where were the men?
     Pillars of faith holdin' us together
We're down a man
    Did we not do our job?
How could we know?
     Holy Spirit, did you try to tell us?

     We've got to stand, fight for you, fight for me
    All together now, what does that even mean?
     His life forfeit, flesh to dirt too soon too soon
     We broke his family, it is our fault, is it not?

What will we do?
Will we wake up now?
Get in your face?
Be willing to fight?
To lose my sleep?
To cry and weep?
What will we do?
What will I do?
What will I do?
What will I do?

The Coke Bottle

     This is a lonely little Coke bottle. His worth is 10 cents. Back In the olden days you'd buy one of these, pay an extra dime for the core charge, and after drinking, return it empty and get your dime back. I know we still do that but what was different back then was instead of crushing it, the bottler would wash it, refill, and sell the same bottle again. Full of Coke of course. 

     I made a flower display this last year, almost a year ago actually, with 21 Coke bottles in a wood crate. Each bottle had one rose. Each rose signified one year of marriage. And each of those bottles is worth 10 cents.

     You see, the worth of the bottle never changes no matter what is in it. Whether Coke or dirt or marbles or diamonds. Clean or dirty it doesn't matter.

     We are like that bottle. This I believe is the single hardest thing for man or woman to 'get'. God has placed a value upon us. Not a nickel or dime, but a measure without measure. A value of infinite value. Maybe that's why we can't grasp it. Before I breathed my first breath I had God's greatest worth. When I had done nothing to get it I already had it. When I have done every thing to lose it I still have it.

     That's the thing. The value isn't determined by me. God decided He wanted me so He made me. From that first moment the value was already decided. The payment was already known, the cost of His Son.

     We are not far from the 2000 year anniversary of that payment. So when I raced my car down 25th street by the airport at 90mph my value stayed the same. When I stole, when I cheated, when I watched on my screen as women defiled themselves for my pleasure, my value did not change. When I pay my tithes and help another, or shout rude suggestions thru my windshield, or whatever it is that I do, there is nothing, not a single thing I can do that will change the intrinsic value I have in Christ. 

     This is not a license to steal. It is for my freedom. It is the proverbial 10,000 steps away from God but 1 step back. I know what I did wrong and I feel so bad about it. I know I'm not worthy back in God's graces but I am. I always am. No matter what I've done I'm always welcome. Every time God says let's begin again. Or, do you remember where we had got to before, son? Let's continue on from there. God is so great! God is so merciful! His only motivation toward us, toward me, is always love. 

God is still working miracles, even for us, the Matsons

     We took our Tiki-wagon on an impromptu trip from Salem to Crater Lake yesterday. We call it the Tiki Mobile because there is a mean looking tiki with his surf board painted on the hood. Not our choice but it came with the car and certainly attracts lots of attention. It was fairly hot yesterday and as we climbed the mountain the temp gauge reminded me the radiator is fairly well plugged and kinda hot headed. I had forgotten. We don't drive it much, only when all six of us are riding together, which seems to be increasingly rare. Then, leaving C.L. the Trans started acting up. Making noise in first gear, not shifting up some times, and not shifting down to first at stops were the most obvious. I knew there was no chance of it getting us the 230 miles from our hotel home. None. This morning we packed up car, moved it back from curb to check fluids, then did something we have never done. We held hands in the car and prayed. Prayed for protection and safety and please, please, please, hold our car together until we get home. No need for paragraph breaks in this story, right? So off we went. Got gas, drinks for everyone, quart of oil for car, and hit the road. It was never right.  Noisy in first and second, didn't want to shift to third, but once on Highway all was beautiful, like nothing was wrong at all. 3-1/2 hours freeway to our off ramp. No stops needed. 1/2 home someone had to potty. We hit up Ronald, let the kids play, and some people searched for poke stuff. Second half of journey was more of same. Hit our off ramp in Salem and made it to about two miles from home when car just stopped pushing forward. Pulled over and left car running for minute or two, hit the gas and it started moving. Little old lady in a walker might have gone faster but we were moving. Repeated this three or four times til we hit our driveway. We had probably gotten an hour into the ride when I just knew we would make it home and car would still move on its own. After the car quit moving though, I had serious doubts. This is an absolute miracle. No ifs ands or buts. Years ago I sat on a broken school bus on the highway's shoulder going home from a youth group beach trip not a mile from the other bus we broke on the way to the beach. My buddy (the youth pastor), gathered most of the 35 kids and staff in a circle to pray, and not kidding, I sat in the bus scoffing under my breath, what can God possibly do in this situation. Within minutes a 95 or so passenger bus pulled up with only 35 people on board and offered us a lift. That was the defining moment in my life to understanding that God is, well, still God. So now my car sits at home needing a radiator and Trans or Trans work and life keeps on spinning. Another time God stepped out and did something too obvious. Not a silent whisper, but two large hands clapped together and a ha!, see that? God says. See what I just did there? I love you in the quiet and I love you in the big loud audacious way that only I can.

Time for me to be committed, one way or another.

     I went to bed and curled up fetal like, I wanted to admit myself to a psychiatric place and remain in that position forever. The cause of my condition unknown in those moments. I wondered what would I feel in the morning. There was little relief with daylight. Relief would require a why. Why was I self destructing? Like a great train wreck that continues to pile car upon car was me inside. Outside completely normal.

     When I finally came to enough to realize how late it was I heard Chris tell a kid we weren't going to church. We had just gotten up to late. I needed to go to church. I needed to connect. Although I knew the chance of any real connection happening was slim, I needed to go. After getting a Coke and Haagen-Dazs on the way I managed to show up just over an hour late.

     I didn't get any miracle connection. I did talk to people for quite a while and then bumped into an old friend at Goodwill, but there is this. We have this wonderful analogy of a cup. We meet with God, He fills the cup, we pour out into others, meet with God and He refills. We repeat forever til we leave earth. I think God showed me something else cause that didn't fit the right now. Imagine a machine where something is fed in, like fabric. So there is a big hand crank and as you turn it rollers on top and bottom feed the fabric in. Now at the other end after the machine has done it's work the fabric leaves the machine. I am the machine, the fabric is what God has put in. Something on the other end has happened though. The fabric has not been allowed to come out and go to the people it is meant to be for. The handle continues to turn and feed more in but now the insides become all jammed up and it is hard to turn. Realizing this, the handle is turned the other way, but this creates further jamming as things are not meant to go this way. Now the inside of the machine, of me, is a jumbled mess. From the outside it is fine. The hum of the machine's motor continues on day after day, all appears well. Inside is, as the conductor would say, chaos and delays. (Thomas the Train reference).

     Where do things go from here? Well, probably not an asylum, maybe not anyway. Today has been something else. Complete and total freedom from every obligation my life normally holds. No worries whatsoever of the kids, no time needed to be home, no dinner or laundry or bike stuff or car repairs. No demand on me whatsoever. I do not remember another day like this. God is so good. Surely one day this will make sense. It will be relevant to another time, to another me, further down the path. For now though I've got to listen to the still small voice when He says to get involved where I have said no before. I must act. I must do something. I have an idea. Something that has been a recurring thought. I think i will finally have to step out and just do it. I think it is time to join this group, not as leader, but as just one small piece. Oh Lord be with me. Help me to move.

     I know the end of this is pretty vague, please forgive me for that. I'm a really messed up guy yet God still has work for me to do. People for me to reach. I hope you think that is cool. I'm still hurting a lot. I don't know what comes next. I don't know if everything will be better next week or if next year I'll be a disaster still. I want things to be better but really not sure if I'm ready to make the choices for things to change.

     As usual, thank you for reading. May your journey be amazing and filled with God's love. God bless.

Depression's dragon

     I have a pretty charmed life yet there is a monster that I cannot tame. Everybody is healthy and whole in our home. Our bills are paid, we have food, I just got some cool parts for some bike projects, and a stream of small car projects to make some extra money. But still the monster looms. My wife and I are having amazing sex (yep, went there), I have done some of my coolest home projects to date, got the most recent Bloodgood album in my car and it rocks, but the monster has beat down the door and is making itself at home. I have read my Bible, I have talked with my savior, I know the truth, I know the lies, all my defenses, my best offenses, it has cut thru like butter. Like blackberry vines on steroids depression has reared it's ugly head, has set a place at my table is eating my ice cream with chocolate sauce and sprinkles and left me with peas. I hate peas!

     I slept a couple of hours today so I'm up late eating ice cream and playing video games. I think this is depression protocol. Just finished listening to Clay Crosse's He Walked a Mile. I always want to help others but I'm not so good at helping myself. The other day the kids were gone and I was back at home all by myself. I just couldn't move. I called out silently to God, ya gotta help me, I can't help myself, help. About 5 minutes later I started to get a load of wash going. Then I moved on to something else and something else, eventually getting two projects done also. Without God's help I likely would have sat at the kitchen table for hours until Emma needed picked up. God gives me other 'suggestions' of ways to help myself but most of the time I'm just unwilling to move. Unable often, but sometimes simply unwilling. Unwilling to help myself.

     I'm getting tired now so I think I'll head to bed. I'm not in my best space now. There's a lot of things I can't do right now but I can write this. If I wait until I am in my best space this will never get written. So I write it now. Someone may need to see this. If you wait until you are in your best space, all put together so to speak, someone may miss out on what God has for them from you. A young woman stopped by yesterday for me to look at her car and I talked her ear off. Maybe, just maybe, something I said was something she needed to hear. Maybe, the gift was mine just having someone to talk to. Maybe both. I may never know. Anyways, I'm going to bed. Thank you for reading this.

Jealousy and growth

     I had been so jealous of a friend of mine for so many years. I'm not sure how specific I want to get as then everybody will know who it is. Well, there's two people really. My old roommate Tim was probably the first. Everything he touched turned to gold. Everybody liked him. He was better at basketball than me. As we went thru the automotive tech program it was apparent he was more skilled than I. He never even got a job as a tech but took on a piece of his dad's construction business. He was gifted there as well. Then there's Tim. Super talented artist. Can also play about any instrument he touches as well as sing. I was so jealous of these guys.

     Maybe I just started slow. I have done many amazing projects. Built cool trucks. I can fabricate all sorts of cool stuff out of metal. I've built many Rad things out of wood also. Built a loft in the shop, rewired much of the house and shop, and so much more. I have more projects spinning in my head at any given time than I can ever get to. And I would bet that I make some other people jealous.

     So God has given me so many talents but it has taken me a lot of life to begin to grasp them. And these are just the MacGyver gifts. These aren't even the spiritual gifts. Those are the ones I really look forward to unfolding in the future.

     So I'm not writing this to say how awesome I think I am but I wasted a lot of time looking at how awesome others were and thinking I had little to nothing to offer. I just couldn't see it. There may have been not much to see. It seems like my life has been a slow build. Looking back there is a small thing here and another aways later. But those were very far apart although they built on each other, and a lot of failure. Now I build and do new things all the time that are the product of all those years of preparation.

     At one point almost ten years ago God put this guy in my life who was a few years older than I and had a lot of experience building hot rods and restoring cars. I had won this old Truck on Ebay for $50 down in Eugene. Each day I'd go to work with this guy who cuts things up and builds cool cars and since I had only spent $50 on this truck it was no loss if I ruined it. So every night I would work on the truck and every day I'd tell Mike what I did and he'd give me encouragement and offer creative suggestions. This was really the springboard for me becoming the mechanical madman I am today.

     There is also a spiritual journey that has taken place. Much, much growth has happened there in the last 5 or 6 years but I don't know where that is going yet so we'll leave that for another time.

     Pastors always talk about the "takeaway." We'll I don't know what that is so you'll have to figure it out for yourself. I'm just telling my story.

A different addiction experience

     I don't know if this will have a theme or not I just wanted to write. The other day I grabbed an empty beer bottle to move it to the recycle bin. When I grabbed that bottle with my whole hand around the neck time stopped. *a note before going any further. I don't drink. I never have. Not even a drop cept for a sip of pink champagne left from my first wedding. Nothing. No desire. But as I held that bottle, as that bottle held me, I became a different me. Although there were no specifics I could sense a destroyed me, a destroyed family. I could feel myself sitting in a chair tipping back a bottle, my grip on that bottle very specific. I stood there holding that bottle, we were holding each other really, and time stood still. It should have been a simple task that lasted a few seconds at most. I don't know how long it lasted but I was in awe of the power it held on me. I've had some comparable experiences with cigarettes and I can't explain either. I wrote about this probably a couple of years ago. I don't understand but I do know that for me to drink or smoke would be a slippery slope. One that I need to stay far away from.

Contemplating life's highway

     Sometimes life just drones on and on, like a highway in the desert going mile after mile after mile. Other times though are like those TV commercials "life comes at you fast." Today I dropped off 3 kids at three different schools then stopped at Safeway for a Coke and donut. I know, I know, the breakfast of champions. Sitting in the parking lot I contemplated what to do next.

     Goodwill opens at 9 so I could wait ten minutes and go there. Or I could go to the little store over there where one of the managers is a friend. A competitor is opening a new store in a small town nearby and I think she should apply for store manager. Maybe I should go to my grandma's house, I have a couple ideas for things she could do with her spare time that I think would really bless her and others. I had two or three more ideas that escape me right now.

     I had close to 3 hours before heading back to school to make the first pickup. So long story short, I could reach out to others and maybe have an impact in somebody's life or remain isolated. As I drove home from Goodwill I was feeling kinda lonely and when I feel like that I tend to isolate and that's exactly what I did. Went home and got to work. Not a bad thing. Some part of me was worried about rejection from the people I would have tried to connect with. I couldn't overcome the idea of loneliness being topped with that rejection.

     Anyways, I was just struck with the idea of how many different directions life can take at any place. Maybe I do better next time.

God sets up the best meetings.

     As I was driving my daughter to gymnastics I came across a young man holding a sign. He looked to be in his mid 20s and was looking for bus fare to Olympia. Gymnastics were across town so I went through my mental list of why it couldn't be us. My daughter will be late. I will miss out on the stores I frequent on my way home. What will Chris say about the money? How much is bus fare anyway? So I kept driving.

     As we were leaving the house I had checked the mail and was now staring at the book the mailman had delivered. The 9 Arts of Spiritual Conversations (walking alongside people who believe differently.) As I read those words I felt God kindly flicking his finger on the back of my conscience. I was reminded of this idea that we rush past those needing help so we can get to the church staff meeting on time. This book is a study on the 9 ways Jesus brought the good news to people in a natural, non threatening way. In case you wanted to know.

     Well I went back and picked him up. And Ashtin was late to gymnastics. And I did miss my stores. And my wife was ok with the money. God speaks to each of us in our own language. He soon spoke to me. We were heading across town when at a stop light I read the words on the rear window ahead of us. "I aim to misbehave". How cool is that? I said. That's from Serenity. I love that movie he said. Then he asked, did you ever see Firefly, the show before the movie? God spoke thru my favorite movie.

     We passed Teen Challenge. I said, that place is so cool. What is it he asked? Well it's just a thrift store but all the people who work there are in recovery. It's a one year program where they house you and teach job skills. By the time you get out you have skills enough to enter society and not relapse. I go to the methadone clinic he said. I have to go every morning. I think soon I won't have to go every day. That's how I make it.

     Told me he was a vet and we talked about many other things. I paid for his bus ticket and drove away thinking about all that had happened.

     This morning I stopped to get milk. I didn't get my usual cashier. She was one lane over but noticed I had Emma with me. When we were done we made our way to her register. She had one of those rare breaks with no customers. She asked if I'd found the Hotwheel she's looking for. Then she asked if we had stayed in the lodge at Crater Lake (I had my CL hoodie on.) She then began to tell me of her own trip there when she was young. How the transmission on her dad's new truck quit when they got there. How he was able to tow it home. She said he fixed it as tears started to appear. He could fix anything. It's all my fault! If I had called 911 faster he wouldn't have died. She's really working to hold back tears now. So your dad died soon after? Yes. It's been over 50 years and I still blame myself. If I had just called 911 sooner. I know it's not my fault. I know it, but I just can't believe it. As she points to her head and then her heart I say yeah, it's just those 12 inches. She said a friend was going to a conference on grief this Friday through her church but she has to work. I said I know a place. A place where we help you move those 12 inches from the head to heart.

     I don't know if she will go. I do know that God ordained this moment. I played my part for now. I don't know if my part is over in these two lives or if I have more to play but I pray Lord that I am ready. I pray Lord that you have your way. That they each get what they need from you.

     I more often than not fall when God says stand. I walk when He says run. I sit when He says walk. But He chose me and He is using me. Despite my failures and inconsistencies He still uses me. He still loves me. He says I choose you, still. Man, what a great God we serve.

     50 years! It keeps ringing in my head. Over 50 years and I still blame myself. Oh God, I can't wait til you give her peace. I can't wait until I see her on the other side of that grief. Do your thing God!!

Who am i?

     I have fought myself for many years. I stand in the mirror and throw punches. No, not really, but there are parts of me that have left me seriously questioning God. Ultra stubbornness and extreme inconsistency are maybe the two biggest.

     I fought God so long and hard. Like I wanted to give up and give all to Him but I just couldn't let myself do that. God I know your promises and I know your plans for me are good but I will not let go. I prayed, I screamed, I yelled. I may have even cussed. Why would God make me in such a way that would be counter to me being able to surrender? I just couldn't get it.

     And then there's the other one. I just love this. This is the greatest thing ever. What happened to that thing someone would ask. Oh, I dunno, just not that in to it anymore. It's only been a week. I know but I just don't care anymore. Or here's a real life example. I built a Coke light fixture for my kitchen. It's pretty cool, I mean everybody loves it. I bought some more materials, did somewhat of a cost analysis, and now it's like, meh, it's cool but I want to do something different. I have a product that's cool and I could sell for profit and I just can't do it cause I'm bored. Or my wife's college countdown thing. It's also cool and she would wait all week to see what the new numbers looked like but I'm bored with it and have not kept up for at least three weeks now.

     These two areas have wreaked havoc on my life for 44 years now. No more! I am not going to fight my weaknesses any more. In fact, they are probably not weak areas anyways. I am embracing them. I am looking at the direction I want to go and including them in my planning. If I build something and now the thrill is gone, oh well. It served it's purpose. If I need consistency in an area of ministry I will look for God to supply a person who can keep moving forward. To push me when I need pushed. To make phone calls I am unwilling to make them. Obviously life or God is not going to let me off the hook all the time. I will fail some. I will have to force myself ahead when it sucks. To the best of my ability I will not stop to demoralize myself when my design leads to my failure. God made me this way. I will move forward, forgive myself, and fix it. Do it different or not at all next time. I will learn and push forward with God's help. If not for Him why go anywhere? I want to follow you where ever you lead God and do the best that you know I can do for your will God. Lead me where you will. I am yours. Oh, and I almost forgot, well I did forget about stubbornness. Apparently that one works for God too. Like so many things that would have caused me doubt and worry before no longer do because I know what I have with God and nothing can break that. I will fight to the death and that would be victory. I will never let go of God, I just won't. That's me being stubborn. God is and will continue to put me in difficult places but I will not be shaken. Not simply because I will it, but because God placed a seemingly negative thing so deep within me that I can't give up even when I want to. So now that I've seen God use it it is amazing. It is a blessing.

     So many places I can wish I were different but it is my determination to use those things. And if possible to use them for the glory of God. I hope that you might take a new look at some of your negative places and try to see them differently. Or to ask God what He might want that in there for. Ask Him to reveal His purpose in that thing and then be patient. The answer might be a long time coming. Embrace yourself. Even those weird idiotic things that drive you crazy. Embrace them. If you have parts that make you feel like an outcast, know this. We all do. The same or different, you are not alone.

Does the words we use hurt our ability for closeness with God?

     If God is always with us then we can't really walk away from Him can we? I may stop talking to Him and live my life in complete ignorance of Him, but He's still right there. The importance of this is I never have to climb back to Him. He is always right there with me.

I've fallen away. I've walked away from God. I've fallen so far from God. I've backslidden. I've strayed too far from God. There are a lot more ways that we as Christians word this. One thing is constant. The space between us and God becomes greater. Theres just one problem with this. It is not possible. There is nothing we can do to make space between God and our person. No matter the graveness of your sin, you cannot move yourself away from God.

     I am becoming convinced this is the defining component of intimacy with the Creator. This is His unconditional love. No matter my failing He does not fail me. Nothing I do can separate me from the love of God. Believing this I no longer stress every detail. My devotional time does not have to be. I don't know how to finish that. It doesn't have to be any certain thing. Any certain period of time. Any certain day. All of my life is done with God. There isn't a separation of this part is God's and this is mine. It is all one. I don't want to sin against God but even if I do something greatly wrong, there is no space created between me and God. I feel bad. I feel sucky. I don't want to talk to God because I feel guilty, not worthy. My feelings lie to me. The truth is as soon as I confess it to God, it's gone. I'm as right as ever with God.

     Regardless of the reason, if I believe I've gotten further from God because of anything, I've got to close that distance once again. How terrible it is to feel I've created space between God and me. It may very well be that our language, our Christianology, is the cause of so many being unable to find closeness with God.

Some basic growing with God stuff.

     For those of you that read my last blog, both of you, I kinda towards the beginning or middleish talked about being new at or struggling with something I haven't really mastered but by the end sounded as if I had mastered it. At least that's how I kinda felt about it. It seems to me that is the way this Christian walk is supposed to work.

     There's a period of time of like struggling to figure it out and then just growing, growing, growing at probably a steep rate and then a plateau. As God is teaching me something new I absorb everything I can like a sponge. Soon hopefully I become master of this new thing. This then becomes a comfortable spot where I can dwell in the confidence of having grown closer with God. I can get used to this newness and practice and live it out. I can't stay there for a super long time though. There is always another place that God is looking for me to grow in. This cycle repeats for as long as I continue on in relationship with Christ.

     I can be in more than one stage at a time. It seems as I mature God works on more and more things at the same time. Even in just one area I can be growing and plateauing simultaneously in different pieces of that one area. Some of the things that I have a really firm grasp on I continue to get revelation. I think not only does God keep me growing this way but also keeps my head from getting too big.

Winning for Life

     I like to be right and/or I like to win. But I don't always win. Sometimes I put maximum effort into something and get everything I'm after. Other times I put the same effort in and get plowed. Lately I've been feeling down. It's not like things have changed, have gotten worse than normal or that other times are better than normal, I don't really know why I'm down.

     Life seems to have rhythms. Science says we have rhythms or cycles to our lives, circadian rhythms I believe they're called. I think this is important to understand in relation to our walk with God. In my marriage I have seen this at work. I give a certain level of love and care but don't always get the same response. One time I get googly eyes and tender looks and another time it's meh!, with the same input. I'm bumping in to the inconsistency of her humanity. She likewise gets similar inconsistent response from me. Whether it's these rhythms or the type of food recently eaten or the weather and temperature or stress from work or kids, all of these things impact my life. So, having a grasp on this, why do I fail miserably applying this same understanding to my life with God? God is never changing, never moving. I on the other hand am a leaf on the wind. I do my best to drop anchor, plant roots deep in God's soil, but I think at best I am anchored like a kite. Some days gale force winds toss me like a rag doll. Others days blue skies with no breeze make me feel solid as a rock.

     I don't know about you but I beat myself up a lot. Am I doing my best for God? Is He pleased with me? I compare myself to others, I compare myself to myself. Last week I was doing remarkable, felt so close to God, but this week. Sheesh! Can I just throw in the towel and start again after a long nap?

     I don't think it is just me. When I look around at the battles people are fighting, it's like wow. Struggles that should just melt with truth but years later are still being fought. I know we say let go and let God but I don't think most know how to. Maybe the first step is to stop beating ourselves up over our daily performance. God doesn't count our minutes of prayer or how many chapters we read of His word each day. What God is after can't be measured. He is after you and me.

     The apostle Paul couldn't give God everything. He said what he wanted to do he didn't do and what he didn't want to do, this he did. We sing "I Surrender All", yet not one of us can ever give God everything. Not King David, not mother Theresa, no one but Jesus. So why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to perform? To do what we cannot do? To do what we were not created to do in this life? To do what God does not expect of us? Somehow I don't even blink when my expectations of marriage or friendship are broken but lose it when I think my life lets God down. Why is that? Why do I need to measure everything? If I can't quantify it does God count it? I know the answer. I know it. So why do I keep measuring?

     Like I said earlier I think this is the key. When we begin to rest in God. As I have come to understand that I am good enough. God is not measuring my performance, He is connecting with my heart. That connection is all He is after. The little bit I can give is enough for Him. But even that is not measured. It is just the act of connecting. It is all Him. Nothing I do. Now I can move past me. I can begin to explore the infinite vastness of my infinite God. When I fail, He pulls my heart back to His and we're good again. I don't need to perform. I am good. His goodness makes me good when I come to Him. Don't get hung up on that word good. Holiness or righteousness could substitute. I am pure. Not for what I do but what He does. What He has already done. I need only accept it.

     NOW, I can move in His power. I can be Jesus to others because I am not stuck in my smallness. What I can or cannot do is no longer an issue, it is what He can do.

     I know this is the issue because I hear it over and over again. I hear Christians including myself using the I pronoun way too much. I feel this. I did this. I didn't do this. I failed again yesterday. I can't get over his words. I can't believe what she did to me. The message is never what I need to hear. I am not growing at this church. Why me? What did I do? The Christian so focused on I is a powerless person. A paralyzed believer. So where does this I, me me me mentality come from?

     Isn't this what we see right off the bat after the fall in the garden? Shame? Adam and Eve hide their nakedness, they hide from God. Shame is I'm not good enough to look at. I'm not worthy. Isnt this IT? In some form or another the root lie that we all believe about ourselves? I'm not good enough. I'm unworthy. I'm unlovable. Too broken, too far gone. Me, me, me, still.

     When we uncover our own root lie and shine God's truth on it we allow ourselves to be loved by God. God loves us fully already but we cannot receive it. But....now we can. Now we can learn to live in love. To recognize shame and shine God's light deep in to it's core. To remove Satan's deepest lie and insert God's deepest truth. Now the love God has been pouring upon us is no longer shed by our walls. Now God's love pours into us, fills us up, blows us apart. It is shed upon every person around us. We begin to grow true fruit because we no longer plant. God's love digs and tenderly plants, lovingly holding and embracing the new growth, nurturing it to maturity. It is no longer me but God in me and thru me. I am His and He is mine.

     Now, now I am no longer record keeping prayer time and scripture reading as a way to God's presence. I am in His presence at all times. Scripture is another way to commune with my friend and Father. Prayer grows me more deeply rooted, connects me more intimately with my lover.

     I do not claim to have this all mastered. I know it in some way but am yet becoming it, will continue becoming it until I see my Savior, my King, my Lover,  my Friend, my Counselor, my Father, and in that instant I shall be entirely His and He shall be entirely mine. Oh man, I don't know what that will be like but it is both terrifying and amazing at once. Terrifying because I don't like to let go of myself. Amazing because all things shall be made perfect. My shame gone. Fear gone. Fully worthy, fully loved. Imagine that!

I need the real God.

     I need some recharge time. Nothing works like the sun. It's just this weather here in the Pacific Northwest isn't always so helpful between September thru June ish. It's not only the sun I need. As we were driving away from the marriage class at the church tonight, I sort of not really apologized for sticking around talking to someone for 15 to 20 minutes afterward. I quipped to Chris, that's all the conversation I'm gonna have this week outside of family. It wasn't my desire to just give her an excuse for making them hang out and wait for me. But it wasn't til the words were finishing coming off my tongue that I realized how true they were.

     This stage we are in right now has forced me to come back over and over and ask what the heck? This sucks! I know it sucks, Chris knows it sucks, the kids know it sucks. So I have to keep figuring out how to lose that mindset. How can I not only survive this time but grow? I don't think big picture too much. Like how is this time gonna affect the kids 5 years down the road or 10? I know the now creates the future so if I am successful now, that's enough to worry about. I know it sucks, but how can I grow with God? I know it sucks, but how can I make Chris's life easier? I know I don't have time for my car stuff anymore so what could I do instead? Where else could my creative juices be allowed to flow? I don't have another adult to talk to so maybe I can tell God all the various angles I've come up with. How hard it is to stay upbeat without sunny D most days. You have a great sense of humor God giving Emma to me but how do I _______ and ________ and what about ________? I'm gonna lose my mind. And Tony and Josh and Ashtin and Chris? I'm barely keeping myself together how do I keep them together?

     I learned from an old pastor friend and his wife how to keep giving. They didn't teach me how but after several years I began to see in myself the rewards of how they would speak to me. So I have begun trying to be positive and encouraging to those around me. This is something I can do in this stage of life. When at a store or wherever I try to use a persons name and thank them for whatever it is they do. The other day I stared obviously at a girl's name tag trying to read her name through the lengths of hair that kept moving across the letters until her hair moved away and at the same time she said, Chell. So I said, Chell (shell), that's really cool. Well thank you very much. Have a wonderful day! I find it really powerful when I intentionally use someone's name. Another time I had some special tithe money (not our regular paycheck tithe) and bought the ladies at the credit union some flowers and a gift card each. One time we were out to eat and on our way out gave $20 to a nervous young couple on a date. We don't have a lot of money so those things don't happen often but I am looking for more ways I can impact the lives around me. I have a vision of a group of 8 to 15 people meeting at our house and taking them to places of victory and growth. Places they don't know how to get to and then them going forward and doing the same for others. But that is not now. What can I do now? I've described some of that already. I can also become a better father, a better husband, a better steward of my house. I'm naturally a Debbie downer, a Eeyore. How can I be more positive? I am asking this of God, asking for His help to do what I cannot. There is so much I can do in this bummer of a time to positively grow. But what about those times I just let everything go? When I gripe instead of asking? When I yell instead of ______? When I totally pooch screw it? Those times suck and still come too often but I don't dwell and keep moving forward. I may have to repair stuff but I'm a gonna keep moving forward. The devil wins when I stop moving. I have given him far too much victory. It's not about always going forward. Sometimes planting myself and not going backward is growth. Is victory. Choosing conviction rather than condemnation.

     I saw at the checkstand today one of the Kardashians is getting divorced. My heart was like, yes! Then God said no. I want the very best for her, same as I do for you. The lie of the world, the lie of satan, is that I should want her to be punished for all she has done. For her selfishness and selfcenteredness. Then God reminded me that I am selfish and selfcentered. That I derserve to be punished. But that is not what God wants for me. That is not what He wants for her. God is love. Love is patient, love is kind, love keeps no record of wrong doing. Whoa! If God is love and I'm becoming more like God, then I gotta love people, even the hard to love ones. That is just a small portion of 1st Corinthians 13 but it's probably enough to be my entire bucket list. Be patient. Be kind. Keep no record of wrong. This is life changing stuff here and yet I think few lives have been changed by it.

     For all the miracles and recorded speaches of Jesus in the Bible it seems dificult still to really get who Jesus is and what that means for me. So much of my view of God and His will are viewed through a western filter. I have seen all of life through this filter and don't know anything else. How then can I remove it so to see God and Jesus unfiltered? We say, the woman caught in adultery. Jesus would say, the woman set free. Or, My precious virgin daughter. Jesus would call her by her true name. By who He created her to be. Jesus always calls us to who we are meant to be. He never calls us by our sin. When I see the magazine announcing this womans divorce, how can I see the beautiful daughter of God rather than the ugliness satan wants me to see? If millions of people watched me and expected certain behavior how could I ever do differently? If these same people acted in love towards me and called out the beauty inside, how could I remain ugly?

     God is calling us to love. I don't think that is what the world is getting from us on a whole. Let's give em something more shall we?

Some more letting God do the work

     What if we pray and know concretely God will provide and He doesn't? I wrote previously about trusting in God to move people's hearts into desiring to give, as in tithing to a church. So we have a church body who love graciously, a pastor and staff who believe unflinchingly God will provide the needs. Missionaries across the world relying on our funding, but the money is weak. It just isn't there. Pastor is taking minimal salary and missions spending has ceased.

     Imagine being the missionary. I can hear the desperate pleas. Anything, just anything. The work God is doing over here and through us is unbelievable. I know God wants this to continue and God willing even to grow. What would happen if we left? You gotta help us. And then there's the broken chairs, the leaky roof and faultering van of the church. We can't survive like this. You gotta help us God.

     What if God called home every missionary in Africa? Could God still build His church there? Could God have a bigger, amazing plan that we could never dream? What if as a church family you finally fold your hands and say God, we can't do this? Could that be the start of God's amazing new work?

     We know the answers. It's an immediate yes to all those questions. But can we live that? Can we abandon all hope of knowing where God is going and just listen? He will do it so radically different than all we can imagine if we will just work with Him. This is relationship. He is bigger and better and crazier that any amusement park ride. He has a fiery love for His people. It doesn't just drive Him, it is Him. Everything God does is to love us. To hopefully hit us in just the right way that we will love Him back.

     God can reach every people group without us. He loves each one more in one instant than we can in a lifetime.  So when we argue and plead with God that we need some thing or to be some place so we can reach those we're called to, do you think He doesn't want that? Do you think He doesn't know the need?

     I do believe that God calls us to places at times where we fail for lack of other's faithfulness. These are great times to learn another kind of faith. The kind where God will take this failure and turn it for good. Where you can learn to believe that with every fiber in your being.

     The end game is that we trust God. In the failures and in the successes we trust God. Because He is God and we are not. He is creator and we are creation. He is all knowing and we are barely knowing at all. He is life and breath and all. You are all God.

Letting God do the work

     What if we prayed, "God, move in the hearts and minds of your people to support your work," instead of getting up on Sunday morning and offering different verses and personal stories to incentivize the congregation to give monetarily? Could we believe on God to move their hearts? Our hearts? Is our plea to give furthering the work of God in their hearts? Outward motivation is often the catalyst for inward change. Is this one of those places?

     God hardened king Saul's heart. God hardened the heart of Pharoah,  king of Egypt. Jesus opened the minds of his disciples to receive all that He had taught them. God worked in the heart of Cyrus, ruler of the Persian empire, to allow Jews to return to Jerusalem. It's obvious God is quite capable of softening/hardening and molding hearts and minds.

     In some ways I think we do a great job of trusting God to do the work in people's lives, but in other ways we kinda suck at it. Only God can make internal change. Do we have the faith to rely on Him to do it? Or do we try to ensure the right result ourselves?

     What if we met as leaders and prayed for church finances? I know we all pray for finances already. But do we pray asking, hoping that God will help people to give? Or do we pray knowing that God can and will move in the people's hearts. God is after much more than funding His church. He is after the heart of every person who walks through the door. I hope I'm not coming off too strongly here. It's just God is not losing any sleep over church finances. He is all about the heart. The church exists for the heart. Tithes exist to reach the heart. How many thousands or millions of people have been turned away from things of God because the call for money was louder than the love? Or maybe it wasn't louder but it was heard first. What if we prayed believing that God will supply the needs, then simply announed where to place the offerings and let God and the people do the rest. I know this sounds radical, but we have a radical God. I used to totally disagree with this idea. I thought people needed the bucket/bag passed and to be passionately reminded to give. I didn't understand the power of God. I mean I still only understand a little but I am understanding.

     Is it  also possible that a church that gives abundantly could also be very unhealthy? That we can do many great things without God being involved? Sure it is. We move without God a lot.

     Would we rather have the blessing of God or the blessing of manna? God is not against money. There is no set relationship between God and money or faith and money. One church may never ask for funds and have more than enough and another barely any. Or the opposite of course is true, with regard to reminding or even begging members to give.

     So it is not truly a question of how we facilitate gettings funds for the church. It is about our faith in God. Do we trust Him to provide? I know we say we do but do we really?

     Could we believe so radically that it doesn't matter if our church is funded? Can we be so desperately latched to God that we don't concern ourselves with such things? We follow God's purpose, His heart, and He always is enough?

Who will go to heaven?

     From Brennan Manning in the Ragamuffin Gospel.

Because salvation is by grace through faith, I believe that among the countless number of people standing in front of the throne and in front of the Lamb, dressed in white robes and holding palms in their hands (see Revelation 7:9). I shall see the prostitute from the Kit-Hat Ranch in Carson City, Nevada, who tearfully told me she could find no other employment to support her two year old son. I shall see the woman who had an abortion and is haunted by guilt and remorse but did the best she could faced with grueling alternatives; the businessman besieged with debt who sold his integrity in a series of desperate transactions; the insecure clergyman addicted to being liked, who never challenged his people from the pulpit and longed for unconditional love; the sexually abused teen molested by his father and now selling his body on the street, who, as he falls asleep each night after his last "trick," whispers the name of the unknown God he learned about in Sunday school; the deathbed convert who for decades had his cake and ate it, broke every law of God and man, wallowed in lust, and raped the earth.

But how? We ask.

Then the voice says, "they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the lamb."

There they are. There we are--the multitude who so wanted to be faithful, who at times got defeated, soiled by life, and bested by trials, wearing the bloodied garments of life's tribulations, but through it all cling to the faith.

My friends, if this is not good news to you, you have never understood the gospel of grace.


     Here's a guy who truly got God's heart for us. It wasn't because he had a revelation one day, although that may be true also, but because he lived it. He was a man who fought his entire life to be free from alcohol. Only the grave truly ended his fight. He would be sober for 6 months and then fall prey again, he just could never escape it's pull. So how did this man who continued to fall to his addiction have such a profound impact on thousands upon thousands of people?

     He gave everything to God. His failures and his successes. God took him as he was and used him. Manning's life goes against everything we preach. Even though we say come as you are I don't think we do a very good job of living that out. I think we are judgemental and harsh. I think we expect change. And we should. But we don't know what change God is doing in relation to what changes we see. God alone can look into their heart and really know.

     I read that paragraph from Brennan and cringe at some of it. Yeah, but him? Yeah, but her? I just don't think so. My wife and I often rest on this scripture. Matthew 25:31-46. This is the when did we see you hungry and feed you? A stranger and invite you in? If you don't know it look it up. What strikes us about this is that many who thought they were getting in did not, and many others who did not expect entrance were welcomed in. Imagine that; people going to heaven who don't even know they're going.  How could that even be? I'm not sure I really grasp that. It begs the question.

What is God truly after?

     Maybe obedience and evidence can be exclusive. Maybe I don't see what is really happening. Maybe the few scriptures I look to to decide if someone is a "Christian", or to decide if a believer is "growing," are not enough. Maybe it is necessary to understand the whole of God's story. Maybe God has much more going on.

I am strong and hopelessly broken

     If there was one thing I wanted you to get out of my blog over anything else it would be that I am a hopelessly broken person. Often I share insights into the Lord. God gives me revelation (epiphany is my favorite word) and I then try and decipher what is for me alone and what to share and with whom to share it. I feel as if I sit back and tell you how to be successful with God and maybe that leads some people to think I have it all figured out. Or at least to think I think I have it all figured out. Or maybe it's not my blog but somewhere in life you've gotten the impression I think I'm all that and more. I don't. I strive to be as honest and transparent as possible when I write. I get revelation from God and I share that when I think I'm supposed to. I have opinions and strong beliefs that are right and then sometimes not so much.

     So on the one hand I strongly share what I believe to be God's truths and on the other hand I attempt to be transparent about all that I'm not. The openness and honesty is where I seem to get in trouble. At one point my wife and I were asked to step down from ministry after being vulnerable. That openness scares people. Although there is a cry for genuineness in the church body it scares people. No more pretending. But we are broken. Deeply broken people. Seeing other's damage scares us. Maybe we haven't dealt with our own and it starts coming to the surface. Maybe we have had a charmed life and don't have that kind of ugly brokenness inside. I'm sure there is a million different reasons. Whatever the cause it is uncomfortable. But why?

     Why is it we relish the honesty of Bible characters and not of ourselves? All through the Psalms David pours his heart out. His life is an open book of sorts and we are so glad of his honesty. But when the local mega church pastor down the street falters, we cringe. We turn our heads in disgust. Blogs are written in praise and condemnation. We all have something to say.

     Few would open up and say let me get the log out of my own eye first.

     Why not let their example be an opening of the gates? Can we not be willing to hear other's sin. Help me to understand your battle. What is the thing you can't seem to wash under the blood? That thing that just keeps coming back. Maybe you can't confront it at all. God has worked amazing things in my life in spite of my brokenness. Why is there so much shame? We've seen the things Godly men did thousands of years ago, is not the God they served the same one we serve?

      The question really is, do I want to grow? Am I ready and willing to lay down myself and become all that God made me to be? When I want His life more than my own it becomes easy. Not easy work, no, but the choice to confront sin becomes easy. No matter the difficulty following a decision I want to because the reward is so worth it. I have my eyes on a new prize. So what are you waiting for? What is holding you back from jumping forward? What prize would be worth it for you to begin letting go of those things? Jesus says, whatever you ask for in my name I will give it. God says, what father if his son asks for bread would give him a stone? How much more than will your Father in heaven give to those who ask? If you don't know where to begin, if you don't have anyone you could talk to, ask God for help. Ask Him for guidance. Ask Him for courage. Ask Him for mentor (s). Ask Him for understanding. Ask and it will be given. Seek and ye will find. Knock and the door will be opened. This is God's way of saying that whatever you need, need, not want, He will provide. You only need ask.

God's favor

     I've been thinking about favor. The favor of God. Recently I read an article that said God's favor in our lives was for other's benefit and not ours. I agree with that but I also see favor as a synonym for blessing. For some reason I just like that word favor.

     Lately it seems as if we have been enveloped with God's favor.

     As we have been turning to embrace this time in our lives from the resentment we were holding on to I just feel God's love washing over us. I love the sunshine. To feel the heat warming my face. It recharges my batteries so to speak. We're three weeks into the winter term, well Chris is, and life is good. School is easier. We got away for the weekend. It's like we've come out of a terrible dark stormy time into a peaceful harbor. The winds are calm, the birds are singing, and we are rejoicing. Oh yeah, and the sun is definitely shining.

     I'm not sure anything has changed. If school is different or easier than before. Not only has school not been overwhelming so far but we might get to do a Bible class together. When Chris suggested we both could do the class I was so caught off guard. I never would even have asked. In fact I was not thinking of going myself. I don't know how to explain my feeling right now. It's like I've been holding my breath under water for as long as I can remember and now some water has drained and I'm sucking in deep breaths of fresh air and feeling giddy inside with new possibilities.

     Has anything concrete actually changed? Is school easier or is God's favor allowing us to breath under water? I know the answer. God is giving us rest. As surely as I know anything, I know this. I feel it in my bones. I stopped fighting the water. Into my lungs it came, rushing in to kill me. To take me out of the battle. But I surrendered the fight. What I thought was death was instead a river of peace.

     Remember the non-Christmas version of the song from Love Actually? I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes, love is all around me, and so the feeling grows. That's me right now. That's the favor of God. It doesn't come free. Oh bits of it might here and there but those are teasers. You have to move to get it all. I had to embrace this time in life.

     It's like it's all just a state of mind. But God does so much more than just change state of mind. He changes everything. He frees finances, loosens shackles of time. Kindles love anew and makes hope grow. He comes in response to prayer or faith in one specific area and moves in every area. He loves. The enemy gets fifty shades of grey but God gets every color, His love is vast.

     I beg you to look for God's blessing. As I have looked for it I have found more. As I recognized it and thanked God for it then more appeared. It's not a prosperity gospel by any means. What it is is a God who gives generously to those who give themselves to Him. And as you give to Him, He is able to give of you to others. So then the favor of God really is not for me but for you. I can encourage you as I am encouraged. And love as loved and give as given and so on. All for the glory of God.

Regrets?

     I feel so full. Just finished reading "Wild". I'd watched the movie first and I'd say they are equal, although the movie is graphic in a way letters on a page simply cannot be. SPOILERS AHEAD! This woman, Cheryl Strayed, has done little remarkable in her life except to hike the Pacific Crest Trail (a monumental task), yet her story reaches in and touches something so deep and intimate within myself.

     Well she did something else too. She wrote about it. She wrote about it and then a movie was made about it.

     We've been told in many ways how love hurts. This young girl, young woman, experienced a love from her mother that shaped her, formed her. Left her full yet always able to receive more. This love never hurt her. But as her mom got sick, she began to hurt like never before. With her moms death now a part of history, her life began to unravel. She'd had it all. An amazing mom, a loving step-father, brother and sister both close. But now that all unraveled and her life flew off the rails.

     As we often do when we hurt we seek to feel even more pain. To simply feel anything. So she hurt herself. With men, with drugs, eventually pushing away the husband who loved and adored her. Somehow I resonate so deeply with that desire to destroy myself. Why? Geez, who knows. Just part of my inner demons I guess. But what forever is ringing in my mind of her story is not the pain. It is at the end of the movie when she says she regrets nothing. Everything she did brought her to where she is now. Every piece was needed. No regrets! How would that change our lives if we had no regrets? I think that's worth a second. How would that change your life if you had no regrets? Think about it. Really think about it.

     Have you ever imagined being able to go back in time? A time travel device of some sort allowing you to fix mistakes of the past. I do this. What if stopped myself from the disaster of my first marriage? Then my oldest son would not be. What if I had tried harder with that certain girl? Maybe just maybe we'd have made a life together. Then my kids and Chris would not be. Every positive change and every tragedy avoided would rob me of what I have now. I have yet to come up with any thing I'd be willing to change. When I begin to regret things I run through this time machine scenario once again and remind myself how good I have it. I have it good, beyond good. I have it great!

To be continued.......

     For some time now a fire has been burning in my heart. A fire to see people healed. To witness exponential growth followed by exponential growth.

     I have experienced church in a intimate, round the campfire with a guitar way, boxes of tissue empty as our souls become exposed. Fear  pushed away as a new bravery takes hold. An intimacy with those around me that has left my soul aching for more. I have experienced this. God is preparing me to bring others to this kind of place.

     I have long searched for a location. Kind of a silent dreaming of what might be. A few months ago, maybe more, the idea of using my shop as a meeting place became a prospect. God planted a seed I hadn't considered before. There are obstacles of course, some of which I have yet to overcome. So being the man of faith I am I simply told God; if you want this to happen you're gonna have to make it happen. You know that we have no ability financially to do these things.

     So that was kinda my fleece. If God put into place the heat and insulation for the shop and needed repairs in the house bathroom then I would know for sure I was hearing God and not my own idea. Shortly after this someone I knew offered to pay for everything and help to get it done. Suffice to say I was not expecting so quick an answer from God. Of course it isn't that simple. The money he was getting fell through soon after.  He is helping as he can though.

     For those that don't know I collect old bmx bikes, mostly from the 80s. They hang in the rafters of the shop and a few elsewhere. Two of these are complete bikes I've had for maybe 17 or 18 years ish. They just hang out like time capsules of my formative years. When I sell a bike the money is sequestered away and used only for more bike stuff. Recently though I sold the 85 Hutch and bought six bundles of r21 insulation for the shop ceiling. I realized that I must be willing to sacrifice as well. God will do His part but I must do mine. About a month later the other bike sold. I had planned to do more insulating with this money, but.......as I sat listening to some missionaries speak God asked me to give that money. The question God asked was, do you trust me? Will you give this money away and trust that I will provide? I have not as of yet because Chris needed to understand why first. If I buy more bike parts no big deal, but if I donate the money that's kind of an out of left field kind of thing and explaining to her what I'm doing is part of the necessary good communication in our marriage as well as making her a part of what is happening. I'm working on my run on sentences but I still have to use one here or there. You're welcome. So we are almost caught up in the story, almost. I know God usually provides in a way that I can't see ahead. Something off the radar. I strained to see how He might do it this time. Two days after being asked to give this $275 up a person asked if I would list their small motorhome for sale online as they don't know how to and they would give me 15% of sale. I didn't need to be bribed to do this but whatever. Whether I get paid from this or not, it's more about God showing off. Like, here's your proof kid. Here's your fleece. Anyways, the listed price is $2000 and 15% is $300 so after negotiating with buyer it would be about the same as bike sale. God is really good at showing off.

     Like I said in the title, this is to be continued. Writing this, putting this out in the public sphere, is a bigger leap of faith than the money. I don't normally tell people things until they are concrete. I also don't have a great track record of follow thru. Great at starting but after that not so much.

     It's easy to know God is speaking and follow that in my own life. Or to say later, see, God spoke and I obeyed and look what happened. Or, I think God is leading me in that way. Whether or not a thing happens in my personal life there is no one but me to look close enough and ask did I really hear God and does the result show that? No one outside my family nucleus I should say. I have been afraid to share my dream because what will people say if it doesn't work out? If it doesn't happen? So now you know. Now you have permission and hopefully you will follow up. Or hopefully you won't have to. That the result will speak for itself.

     I welcome you to pray for this. To pray for us. This is not an overnight thing. Much water will have passed under the bridge before the bridge is complete. Chris has a good chunk of school left and this is all consuming. There is much that needs to happen on many fronts. It will take time.

     I am not a pastor. I have no post high school education in religious stuff or seminary training. I do have the education that God has given me through life. I will need to keep growing. I will need good people around me. I will need to focus on God first, keep myself well fed just as I need to right now. I don't plan to replace the church that anyone is attending. What I envision is a place of intimacy. A place where people can experience change, can find the spiritual growth that has eluded them so far. Let go and let God. I'd heard this much of my life but didn't know how it happened. This can be that place where people experience that. Maybe for the first time in their life.

     Hopefully more facilitator than leader. Teach to fish rather than giving out fish. Then people should be able to take this and do it themselves. Anyways, that's what I see now and things never turn out as pictured so I guess we'll see what happens. Thanks for taking a peek in to my story.

Stories.......dad

     Born in the early 50s and I think always a wandering soul. If we're talking tools he could work with wood but being a father or husband not so much. Demons he has plenty, more than his share. That fine line between sanity and despair he walks day and night. The unauthorized biographical highlights of the man I knew all too well but not at all. My dad.

     There's marriages and divorces, heartache and betrayal, successes and failures too many.

     I have a speaker box we built together. The front is a carved cabinet door with fabric covered sides covering the speakers. The carved spots painted black then surfaces sanded and stained. I remember the 4'x8' slot car track and 70s painted bike as Christmas gifts before I was 7.

     My parents met, had me in Salem, moved to Cali and had my brother, lived in a religious hippy commune, got involved in a large church, went to Nepal on missions, not necessarily all in that order, then back to Salem at 7yrs old.

     My parents had a rough time. We lived in poverty for sure. There was never a time where they both worked at once. He was a scrapper. Hauled many cars to scrap that make me cry today. 55 Chevys and such. My uncle taught him the tree trimming business. Not many trees in So. Cal so moving to Oregon seemed like a sure fire deal. Like most things it wasn't what it seemed. Somewhere early he went to school to learn the eyeglass business. Something he would hate doing and coincidentally was gifted as such.

     The tree business paid a few bills but never went anywhere. Eyeglass jobs came and went. One skill he never learned was working for others. He opened his own eyeglass business and did very well, eventually cajoling the bank to give him a quarter mil. loan to buy more equipment to grind and finish lenses on sight. He even patented a lens and seemed to finally be getting his due but it would not last. His lead technician diagnosed with a brain tumor or cancer or something about the same time two others decided to venture out with their own business. It became unsustainable and bankruptcy followed.
Another venture making table top waterfall plant sculptures never became profitable. A good job at a regional health clinic would last a number of years but his demons or something else deep inside caused another downfall and lost job.

     In his early 40s he had a pretty good stroke. Probably younger than I am now. He got little medical attention and had a very long recovery. After his third divorce he came to live with us for a couple of weeks while he finished his Jeep. He had a trailer in the back yard and almost half of the shop and it was good for a while but there just wasn't enough space between he and I. A year and a half later he and his Jeep left.

     I think at about this time he felt like his stay as part of the family had been overstayed. We had a family meeting in my house. My brother and wife were there. He wanted to move to sunny places in Arizona or somewhere and leave his past behind. Leave us behind. Somewhere inside he knew he didn't cut it as a father or a husband and he wanted to run from all his failings, as he saw it. This is my take of course. We all cried. He never left. But he left. Salem remained his home but we had no contact with him. We lost him still.

     I recently found out that a few years ago he was hit by a car. Many months in a coma and his body broken from top to bottom. The doctors pieced him back together with pins holding much of him together. At roughly 60 how much healing can a body do?

     The man I knew is gone. If I saw him would I recognize him? Is he even still alive? I think he is. I wanna believe I would sense it if he were gone.

     I carry many of his same demons. I don't carry a coffee cup with alcohol in it every where I go and I haven't left my family. But I have wanted to. I have been hurt and I have been broken and wanted to relieve my family of my burden. Give them a chance for success. I know these are lies. I hold on to truth even if it doesn't seem true or real. I just hold on. I wonder why have I been spared and he wasn't. The answer to this question will probably never come.

     God says he punishes the children to the third or fourth generation for the sins of the father. I know that sound harsh and unloving. I have a hard time with God punishing future generations for past sins. I am though paying for some of my dads stuff. And some of his dads stuff. And so on. It is simply fact. His dad took his damage and demons and raised him with that so he took the tools he was given both good and bad and passed those to me. The good news is that much of that bad stuff has been stopped. Grace is prevailing.  We are giving it to God and He has washed it in the blood.

     I will see you around dad.

Some thoughts before bedtime

     Just sittin' here itching my feet before bed thinking about stuff. Watched a cop drama where they tried to talk a guy down and eventually he forced them to kill him. I wonder, if instead of all the promises that things will get better and I'll be here for you after this, what if we talked real truth? The second your life ends you will meet God. The Big Guy. The creator of all. Are you ready for that? Cuz that's where this is going. I wonder stuff like that.

     I have written before about my wife's schooling. How she is so busy that family time is rare. The things I feel so strongly are God's most important things for His people we have had to minimize to make this happen. Time and again I have questioned how this can be God's plan. I've come to a sort of stalemate on that question because time keeps passing and we're still doing this. This is what I see now. Whether this is God's most desired place or not for us, we are here, and what will I do while in this place? Will I spend my time questioning God or will I spend my time serving God? Serving God in this place is serving people. I suppose it is in all places of life. So I am deciding to serve others. God gave me a word recently. Feed my sheep. It rings in my ears every day now. Feed my sheep. I am doing my best. Well maybe not my best but I am moving. I am trying.

     God is revealing the depths of a personal struggle. He is showing me how deep this really is and I am beginning to see how desperately healing needs to come. How this area needs His touch before certain doors of ministry can be opened.

     God is showing me that there are few absolutes in this world. When I was 28 my instructor told us that every car fuel system had to have a return line to fuel tank. It could work no other way. I went to work that night and the Dodge Neon I worked on had no fuel return. Had I been younger and less experienced at life this could have crushed me. What he spoke was gospel, had to be gospel, because what I got from the four instructors was my foundation for the future. We do this every day to believers. I guess to non believers too. We tell them God can only do it a certain way. When He does it different they become disillusioned and unsure of their belief. There is talk of Muslims coming to know God through dreams. Many are saying this cannot be. God does not work this way. Yet here they are. Muslim Christians. God had never blinded a man mid journey and changed his life until Saul/Paul. Is it only possible if it is written in the Bible? Stand on grace, stand on law, stand on free will or predestination. Baptist, Catholic, Pentacostal, First Free Whatever. Well I wont go in a church building. How can you be saved without going to church? This is just the tip of the iceberg. You know what I'm talking about. There are few absolutes given by God. Everyone would be better if we stuck to those. Lived or died by those. There is one true God, He is love. He is omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient. Jesus is the only way to God. These are foundational truths.

     While there is much talk of the church being good or bad these days. The signs of a healthy church, there is much less talk about the danger of culture defining our religion. As Christians we should be the most upright, honest, trustworthy people on the planet yet much of our moral compass is defined by culture. Here's a couple. A missionary was teaching in a third world country (I know, old school term) and was giving a test to young students. About first grade I think. A young boy was concerned about taking the test and he told the boy if there was any he didn't know to just guess. The boy, shocked, said I can't do that. Why not? What if I were to get some right was the reply. Then I would get credit for something I didn't know. I would get a higher score than I earned. That would not be right. I have done tests this way all my life so it took me a bit to wrap my head around what this boy had said. He's right. It is cheating. Another one. A woman bought a cookie recipe from a store thinking it was 2.50 but actually paid 250.00. Found out when her card statement came. She called store and tried to get money back with no luck. Now she is passing recipe out on internet. I found out when my Christian friend posted story with recipe on Facebook. The only way a person should have this recipe is by paying $250 for it. Culturally this is perfectly acceptable but it still is wrong. We "Christians" should have a higher standard. Jesus while hanging on the cross with his life draining away forgave those who had killed Him. Certainly this applies to more of my life than just if someone crucified me. Turn the other cheek. Do not repay evil for evil. Do not take what does not belong to you. How can we separate our lifestyle as royalty to the King from our lifestyle as subjects of our earthly kingdom? The kingdom above should certainly supercede this one below.

God is a gracious giver

     The scripture says something like praise and thanks be to God, the giver of all good things. When I think about God's gifts,  spiritual things come to mind. He gave some to be prophets and that kind of thing. Gifts of the spirit. But I think it's much more than that. He also meets our needs. Scripture says what kind of a father if his son asks for bread would give hime a stone? How much more your heavenly Father will do for you. So He meets our needs too. This is where I think we start to lose it. We have a shallow understanding of what we need.

     A couple of months ago I was very sick. As I was coming to the end of it I picked up my phone and scanned Craigslist for bmx bikes. I found a screaming deal. Now you might be thinking, what in the world does this have to do with God giving gifts? Everything would be the answer. I love bmx bikes. I have since I was a kid. A month ago I found a 85 Gt bmx for $75. In its listed condition it was worth about $250. I firmly believe these are gifts from God.

     Some of my friends collect heart shaped rocks. When they find one they feel God saying I love you. John Eldridge tells a story of being out in the woods with a buddy and finding half of a large rack. I don't remember if it was deer or elk or what but it had been a long time dream of his to find one. I don't remember the circumstances but his friend ended up keeping it. Maybe the friend found it first, I'm not sure, but his treasure was right in front of him and he let someone else have it. As they got back almost to the truck he found the other half. He knew this was a gift from his Heavenly Father.

     As I have become more aware of how God shows His love for me I am more able to see it. God is a lavish giver. He gives me gifts all the time. Last night I was working on a 21 rose arrangement for my wife and I's 21st anniversary and I needed a special vase that would allow me to organize them in a way that they would be easily countable. My first fabrication idea just wasn't going to work and the store had been a bust. Limited funds and all. I headed into the shop attic to see what I might find. I was just about to give up when an old rack of 24 glass Coke bottles caught my eye. It turned out awesome. God knew what I needed.

     Somewhere along the line we got the idea that there is a spiritual side and a worldly side to life. That things have to be one or the other. I don't believe this is so. Maybe this is why I always saw eternal life,  the good news, as starting after death.

     How much of this life do you see as spiritual? How often do you recognize gifts from God? You may not agree with my convictions that all of life is spiritual, but I guarantee that God is more involved, more concerned with your life, than you believe. The truth is out there, claimed the X-Files. When we meet our creator I think we will be dismayed by how little we understood and how much God had for us that we never received.