God holds me

     It's amazing how God speaks into my life. Today at church a guy I really respect said he enjoys reading my blog. Sometimes I feel like I have to write, if I dont get it out I'll explode, the rest of the time I wonder if there's any purpose. If anyone cares at all. I've settled for myself anyways that my writing is mostly for me and if you get something out of it that's an amazing bonus. So to get a compliment and be told to keep doing it is really special to me.

     So this guy, I'll just call him David to make this easier, really impresses me. He has a natural gift for young people and has followed this into ministry. I have seen him grow so much in the last few years. This is doubly impressive because only from a distance do I get to observe him. In his speech and action I see a depth of intimacy with God.

     I wish I was consistent in my life. I would kill to have an insatiable hunger for God 24/7. Not having looked at dates it seems a while since the last blog post. This is a form of evidence of consistency lacking. When close to God He stirs my heart so there is much to share. Maybe David talking to me is God saying get with it Jethro. Get out of neutral and into gear. Any gear, just get moving.

     I remember a boss I had years ago. She was frustrated by my inconsistency. I was really good at this job. On any given day I was a rock star. I could out drive anyone on the forklift, out pick anyone on the order picker, I could see the whole operation as if it was in my hand. Other days however, boredom or not caring or I don't know what and I didn't even meet production. She just couldn't understand. Heck, I couldn't understand. I still don't. It's one of those things I've come to look at through the lens of my creator though. That's the only comfort I can find. God created me, He made me this way. That's not an excuse for me to quit trying to be better. It is a place where I know God does not condemn me for my low times but stretches out His hand and with His index finger beckons me forward. He calls me to Himself, over and over and over.

You know what else is amazing? Somehow, some way, in my low times, in my times of rebellion, or dark times, God grows me. God grows our relationship, deepens our intimacy. I believe that is what intimacy is; a intimate knowing that my failings do not take Him away from me. That as I turn around He is right there and we continue on together. There is no need to rehash my failure. There may be need for forgiveness, but all is new. I am clean, I am forgiven, we are good.

     I have wasted so much time in my life with condemnation, with self criticism. Feeling so guilty for every time of failing. Instead of continuing on in growth this is just a spinning of the wheels. Often sliding backward. This is not how God wants us. This is the antithesis of relationship. This is me by myself hating myself. God is not in it. He wants to be in it. In the good and the bad. No relationship is only about good.

     I thank God that He comes after me. He comes after you. He pursues us violently. He moved heaven and earth to be with us. He still moves heaven and earth for us. Will you accept that? Have you accepted that? It's ok if you haven't. God is still chasing you. He will never stop. He will never tire. He loves you, He loves me. Our purpose is to seek Him yet it is He who seeks us.

     If you don't know this intimacy. If you are still chasing.  If you are still spinning. You need to stop looking for the answers. Stop looking for solutions to your search. Just stop. Ask God. If you don't know Him. I don't know who you are or if you exist so prove it to me. Prove you exist. I cannot find that place of intimacy with you God so you have to do it for me. He will answer. He will not do it how you expect. He will not do it in the time you want or need. Just give up and let God do it though. God's got this. God has got you. He has got me too and that's the thing that keeps me going. He holds it all.

What should be my concern today?

     I have been doing a lot of thinking, and reading, and thinking and here is some of what I've come up with.

     Eternity is all that matters. I don't mean that in a way that what we do on earth doesn't matter, precisely just the opposite. Everything should be about knocking on heaven's door.

     I am first and foremost to find relationship with my creator and then beyond sustaining that I am to work with He to build and grow that relationship. If I don't get this first step right then all other stuff will be damned before even begun.

     Next, I've got to take what God has given me and plant and water what I have been given to sow eternally in my wife and children. There are millions of possibilities of things I can do for and against my family but none hold a candle to eternity.

     The circles continue to grow outward from me from the most intimate relationships out to the least. At every place though there is no thing more important than eternity.

     If I've done my job right and a family member in my house dies they will be with God in eternity immediately. They can choose a different path to hell I know but I can only do my part and leave the rest to God. I know I'm not saying this very well. It was all so clear in my head.

     Throughout history very dark times have come on the church. These times have served to move the gospel to places it has never been. God is all about the big picture. When David Wilkerson was speaking to Nicky Cruz on a sidewalk and Nicky held out a knife and threatened to cut David up, David responded, you can cut me into pieces but every piece will still love you. David was sure of his salvation, of what mattered. He was also sure that Nicky and every gang member were deserving and capable of having the same salvation.

     It seems in our culture we are more concerned for life on this world then in the next. What do we have to fear? What are we living for? If, for example, a Syrian refugee given love and shelter in my home killed my kids, could I still respond in love? My kids with God having received the prize.  Is this person not still worth being loved? This sounds like and is a radical example and I don't know if I could respond in love. Looking through the lens of history it is events like this that have preserved and moved the gospel around the world. Is not moving the gospel worth all? The apostle Paul said for to me to live is Christ, but to die is gain. It's a win win. Early Christians faced the lions and were violently killed for sport in front of thousands of people. This came to an end when they began laying their lives down willingly, not fearing death but embracing it for their reward. Once the sport of it was removed it died out. We know that this nation that originally massacred the saints became a Christian nation and spread the gospel across the known world. Their sacrifice led to salvation for many, many more.

     What would these same Christians who died almost two thousand years ago, who have seen the fruit of their destruction, what would they say to us today? Where would they tell us to invest? What about the placement of our security? What would they say is important?

    If I could have their view. If I could see past the veil of this world. Peel back the curtain of this life. To truly see all the workings and what's at stake. I can't imagine that seeing that wouldn't completely alter my life. God in His wisdom doesn't allow us that luxury. God has not given more so therefore everything I need to make my personal eternal decision and help others make theirs has been given me.

     Ironically this means that genuine followers of Christ can land on quite opposite sides on issues of refugees and terrorism and gun control and birth control and so many other issues. I pray that God would continue to give me more of His heart for people. That I would see all people as He does. And I pray that I would love those who seem to me to come in with views contrary to Godliness.

     My hope in writing this is that you would look more closely for eternity in every day decisions. What is it God would do if we could take our eyes off of the here and now.

O God

     O God, you are my comfort in troubled times.
     O God, you are my comfort in peaceful times.
     O God, who am I? Who am I? Little ol me?
     O God, who are you? Great and mighty king.
     O God, ruler of all, king of all kings and principalities.
     O God, why do you take time to look upon me?
     O God, what could I have of value to you?
     O God, how many times a day do I fail you?
     O God, is there ever a time when some evil doesn't color my heart towards you?
     O God, do you see the wickedness of my heart?
     O God, your son made me purer than the whitest snow.
     O God, why do I worry what others think? Who are they above you?
     O God, why do I not believe what you say about me? Why do I doubt you?
     O God, am I walking in the fullness of your purposes for my life?
     O God, how can I not miss the many times you want to use me in anothers life?
     O God, how can I see the greatness of mission in raising my kids?
     O God, does my pride make me think I serve you more than I do?
     O God, do not let my confidence in your gifts slip into pride.
     O God, may I hear and follow your Holy Spirit and not anything or anyone else.
     O God, help me be everything my wife needs me to be.
     O God, may you meet others in the place of their need through me.
     O God, make me smaller and you greater each and every day.

God. The loving and perfect judge

     My buddy was telling me a story the other day about a man who was separated from his wife and kids and then killed them and tried to get himself killed so they could all be together in heaven. He was able to kill himself a short time into his prison sentence. Terrible theology aside, I could see my friend was still quite affected by those events years ago, and still in some ways wished he could have truly made the man suffer or pay for the things he did. I reassured my friend that he was indeed paying a far greater price than we could levy against him. He agreed and that was kind of the end of it.

     My immediate thought when confronted with the idea of he needing to be punished was that of God being the final judge. Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord, and that was good enough in the moment. But as I started driving home, I tried to picture what that might look like. Here's what I came up with.

     After he died I think he met God. I think God pulled him in, wrapped His arms around him and held him tight. I can hear God say, my precious,  precious child, how I love you. How I wish you had known my love in your life. I think in these brief moments this man instantly understood God's love. What that could have meant for his family and for himself. He fully understood his meaning and purpose on the earth, how he was meant to live, and the cavernous void that was instead his life. But more than anything, he understood that this God who now was not God, but simply Love, who had been holding him tight, was now letting him go to be taken to the place of eternal torment, where the weeping and gnashing of teeth would be his own. Where it has been his own for many years. Where these years probably seem like a million forevers to him.

     No greater regret will there ever be.

   

The bumpy ride back to earth,aka,The Great Letdown.

     The space shuttle is a complex vehicle. As it sits on earth the demands on it are very little. However, thousands upon thousands of man hours are spent working to ensure a smooth launch, a proper trajectory, dumping boosters, launching equipment in space, docking with the space station, and eventually re entry into earth's atmosphere.

     Once home the shuttles job is pretty much finished. It will sit for extended periods of time serving little to no function. But to get it there is no easy task. If the correct speed and angle of re-entry into earth's atmosphere are not used the whole thing would turn into a large hunk of charcoal.

     I am struggling to re-enter my life. There is no complex structure to it. I drive kids to and from school, make lunch, change diapers, maintain the house, and fiddle around in the shop. Most of which I could do when I was sick (when the pain was managed). I could not wait to get better and get back in to life. Now that it's here, seems there is not much to get back in to. Feels like the great let down.

     The pain was so great that to get through it to the next period of peace was a big accomplishment. Now I look around and that same level of accomplishment is nowhere to be found. Just a feeling of disallusionment. Seems wrong somehow. I'm sure in no time at all I will readjust to the boringness of my life and all will be fine again. I think though it's time to get in the house and make sure all is good. Can't leave the minions alone too long.

When the darkness covers the source of the light, is there still light?

     The last eleven days has been crazy. 3 trips to ER, one surgery, and hours and hours of pain. Got my first ambulance ride also. Seems like I dropped out of life. My life specifically came to a halt, but my wife and kids have missed out on quite a bit too.

     The pain scale is from 1-10 with little smily or frowny or crying faces to illustrate. I added to mine because I felt there was pain up to 12 and even 14. I figure up to 10 is excruciating but still able to basic function. Able to walk, able to talk even if difficult. There were several times the pain dropped me to my knees, times I rocked and stiffened into contorted shapes. I couldn't even cry. It seemed crying would need an end and I didn't know if an end would come. An hour, six hours. I learned to expect the pain, to live with rocking and moaning, pulling at my hair, breathing so fast I couldn't breathe, filling my stomach with air causing more pain. We never could manage all my pain but came sorta close taking 3 Oxycodone every 3 hours. The doctor said the pain was probably inflammation. Today I passed a blockage so now I am dealing with only inflammation pain which seems manageable so far. Kidney stones. The ultimate torture device.

     In everything in my life I look for the positive. Not so much God caused this to......fill in the blank, but more like this is happening, has happened, what good can be made out of it.

      One thing is this; this experience is reshaping my empathy or lack of. Lots of people have kidney stones, they pass them, then move on with life. I have done this several times. But apparently this is not always the case. So what other things may happen to others that knock them off center? Things I may think are trivial but may be life altering to them. There are an infinite number of ways I can and do judge others. Even when I get it right I'm not sure that's a good thing.

      Sunday was day 13 and still have struggled to manage pain. Took my last 2 oxycodone at 11 am when we got to church. As we sat there God presented Chris with Job. She didn't understand. Knowing Job lost everything she tossed that back at God. He said that indeed we hadn't lost everything but our lives had come to a complete stop with no indication of a time when things might get better. A type of hopelessness. My wife said "no amount of pain is going to shake our faith in God."

     After service Sunday I was talking to a guy and he prayed for me, that was the last prescription pain medicine I've taken. But, that night as I was trying to sleep the pain started in again. I tried so hard to stay quiet, to not move around, to allow Chris to continue sleeping. It just hurt so bad. Finally, wanting to remain quiet I said in my head, Satan, you dumb bastard, pain will never shake my faith in God. Instantly the pain was gone. I've had some pain since but it has been manageable with Motrin.

     I didn't fellowship or talk with God much this couple of weeks. Every time I'd start talking to God the questions would come out. Why me? Why now? Why so much pain? I don't believe in these questions for myself. And I mean that very specifically for myself. God is the same good, amazing God that He is when the sun is shining and my skin feels the warmth as when the clouds roll in and block the sun. The rains come, the lightening strikes, I feel wet to the bone, but God's love has not changed. I may not see it or feel it's warmth but His love has not moved. So for me to ask those questions in the storm is to question the goodness of God and I won't do that. I cannot stress enough that I am not advocating periods of rest from relationship with God. Please be as deep in relationship with God as you can and let your actions and your rests come out of that. Enough said I hope.

     There will be darkness. How will you fair?

Kidney stones and deeper faith. You want ONE of these things.

     Saturday night I was laying in bed with pain that had started in the afternoon as a 5 or 6 but by 8 or 9 pm had graduated off the scale. I had been in the er Tuesday morning for excruciating pain, was drugged, prescribed, and sent home. Thursday night back in the er. Again drugged, prescribed, and sent home. Saturday night about 11 pm when I finally agreed for my wife to take me back in the pain was so severe I could barely move. I got out of car by er doors, she sped off to park, I fell to the ground and puked (got it in the bag). She quickly showed up, went to get nurse coming with wheel chair and I began slowly crawling toward door. I couldn't even stand.

     Let's back up just a bit. It's somewhere between 9 and 10 pm Saturday night, I'm on my bed, hunched up on my knees and elbows, in pain so bad I don't know how to describe it. Chris finds me after putting kids to bed, not knowing the pain Ive been suffering. She begins asking me questions but my breathing is so quick I can't really talk. I pull my phone close and Youtube a Jeremy Riddle song. I get a 1hr worship set and begin screaming and crying out to my Lord. My singing must have sounded like the hounds of war. I cried out and gave my Savior all I had. He brought His mighty hand down and by the power of His angels did nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nada.

     So now we're at the hospital. 3rd trip in 5 days. As per protocol and my best wishes they get me drugged up in a bit of time but the drugs just wont kill the pain. It is brought down quite a bit at times so once again they release me, best of luck sir, get well soon, goodbye. This time however, as soon as the iv is removed my pain comes back with a vengeance. I barely can get dressed with help and by the time I do I'm screaming and yelping in pain. Then someone came in and said they are prepping a room and keeping me overnight.

     Sometime between Saturday night and Sunday morning they found my left kidney was blocked, got an or set up and put a stint in. As I understand it the stint keeps the passage open so all the debris blocking my kiney can now escape. It's painful to pee but no pain meds so far.

     I begged and begged God to fix it, to remove my pain. I don't know why He didn't. But I do know if I hadn't continued to be in pain at the er Saturday night I would probably still be in that pain.

I feel like the rest of this is just religious mumbo jumbo tacked on at the end so if it helps you great. If it bothers you then don't read it.

     I don't know why God answered or didn't answer the way He did. But I do trust God. I can only see my little part but God is in the hearts and minds of everyone who was any part of this ordeal, which is not yet finished. I cried out to my God and my wife lay on the bed next to me crying and weeping. When I started singing in my pain she must have thought, what is this idiot doing? Then I asked her to pray for me. I've been praying! I've been praying! She said. I want to hear you. Was my response. She does not feel comfortable praying aloud but I would not relent. Something in me just had to hear her pray. I had to hear her talk to our God for me.

     God is always for us. A new or a simple faith needs evidence, needs proof. A mature faith has seen the evidence and proofs of its younger self. It needs not live on those because it has grown deep in relationship with its creator. All of life's journey is for this deeper faith. A shallow faith might get you to heaven but what about now? Don't you want to experience the wonders of God now? I am chasing after an abundant life. The abundant life that Jesus said I should have. I have not arrived. I do not have it all so I am still chasing. I will never arrive completely on this side but I will continue to pursue, for that is my call. To come to know Christ in new and deeper ways.

Isn't God excellent?

     1. God is big. Really big. When I am thanking Him for the beautiful sunshine I am enjoying not only does He see my sunshine but looking at the world He sees the storms and snow, ice and rain, hurricanes and more of every one, of every place in the world.

     2. I want God. I don't want a particular gift. I'm not praying for sunshine. I'm not praying to be kept safe in the dark and ugly days ahead when my spirit is usually heavy. While I am praying for smaller things and for other's needs, my consuming prayer is to be a man of God, God's man. I simply want to know and be known by my God.

     3. I am blessed beyond measure. I am able to replace our rotten bathroom floor with 1-1/8" plywood underlayment given by a friend several years ago and wood floating floor left over from bedroom project.

     4. More blessing. Replaced large front room window of our home today with last of three vinyl windows given us by a neighbor when they remodeled their home. We only need 5 more to finish house. They were also the correct size to replace our wood framed windows. God is good.

     5. And more. A 2005 Mazda was abandon with us several years ago. We licensed and titled it last year, repaired it and drove this weekend for first time. Then someone asked if we had a car for sale and we were able to sell Chris's old car without even putting up for sale. That's at least two blessings there. God is good.

     6. Sitting in the church/school parking lot and a number of young girls with down faces walked past my car going to their bus. Then others with smiles began filing out to cars. The home team won. This reminded me that we win. We are on the winning team. We have reason to smile.

     7. I can't do it by myself. I've done payments on cars many times with very mixed results. Chris asked if we were going to take payments on this sale and I flatly said no. I don't want to deal with that. She felt certain God wanted us to so we did. I pre decided so couldn't hear God but she could. I recognized that I had closed myself off to hearing God in this situation so I gave the decision to someone who could hear God.

     And lastly, all of the above was written on my phone while in my car at the south campus during linc. After writing number 7 I looked back at the church and saw a woman washing the windows of the entrance doors. I felt God telling me to go thank her. I hesitated and He asked again. I jumped out of my car and headed for the doors. She had walked away and I hoped she would be alone. I found her as a man was asking her for a ride to pick up his car. I offered to drive him and he left to get his key. I thanked her for serving us, then she asked if I had a son who just entered high school and described him. She told me stories about my son, then I gave him a ride and arrived back at the church exactly at 8pm to pick up my daughter.

Isn't God's timing excellent?

I hope you simply pull into God.

Please pray for me if you will, to just draw more and more into God.

Whoops! That didn't work.

     This past weekend I staffed at a three day workshop for the heart. It has been over two years since my last staffing experience. After my family this is my favorite place in the world to be. It is such an incredible experience seeing people's lives changed forever. My life is also changed each time.

     Because of our kids and work/school it is very difficult to get away for these long weekends. This created a dilemma for me. I love the high, I love all the new friends or spiritual brothers and sisters, I love the growth in myself, but after the great high comes the great blah. I get new friends but have little time for relationship. I long to do life together. I long to continue what we have begun together. I long for communion. I try to be involved but life steps in over and over and says no.

     I didn't want to go through that up and down emotional beating so I decided to go and help out in any way needed but to not get emotionally involved more than necessary. And it worked. It worked so well that I could only seem to pray out of my head. Like my heart and head were disconnected. It took well into the second day for me to realize that I had done this to myself. I had gotten exactly what I wanted but I didn't really understand what the consequences would be. In retrospect its pretty obvious but all I wanted was to avoid pain down the road. Once I figured it out I began to talk to God about it and He fixed much of it. I began to be able to pray from my heart and open up more. He really is good isn't He?

     The up and down motion of life is I think just a part of how God designed it. I'm so glad God is patient with me. I don't have this all figured out (this life thing) but I do want to share my experience and you can use it however you want. Thanks guys.

   

A couple of thoughts sitting in my folding chair in the back yard.

     Looking at the blackberries coming over the fence next to the pool I know they need to be dealt with now or they will cause a lot of problems for me later. There are things in my life like these vines. If I let them hang around long enough I will pay a price. In life though, I seldom pay that price alone. My wife and kids will pay first. Others who are spiritually healthy miss out on quality community with me. Those who are not spiritually healthy miss out on my encouraging words, speaking and shining truth into their life. Those who don't know Christ miss out on the chance to have that deep longing filled. Everyone around me is robbed. I mostly only see the impact to myself.

     I'm sitting in my folding chair in the back yard seeking time with God that we are sorely lacking. I brought my Bible but I don't want to read. I just want to be close to God. I feel as if there is so much more that I am missing, like there's some super spiritual mystical something that I am not, well I'm not sure how to describe it. Like I should be so much more spiritual than I am. Changing the world every where I go. Then I heard someone coming towards me. When I finally opened my eyes it was the dog. She was sniffing at a pile of dirt near the pool. Smelling some part of the critter who dug up the dirt. I realized she was doing exactly what she was made for. We just took a two night trip all six of us to northern Cali. I did my best to work with my wife to give us and the kids something we would all enjoy. And we did. I did what I was created to do. I often feel as if there is this massive super spiritual something I should be and maybe that will happen one day, though I doubt it will feel like a super spiritual thing then, but for now I am likely exactly where I should be.

Godly men needed

     I hurt my back today. My back was tight all morning but being the manly man I am that didn't stop me from bending over to adjust the sprinkler. Oh!, that hurt. I always feel better if I've been lifting an engine or pushing a truck by myself when the back goes. Always seems pretty wussy doing the equivalent of lifting a pencil.

     I've been thinking lately about men a generation or two before me. I was born in the early 70s and many of the friends I grew up with came up in very Godly homes. Try as I might I do not remember any time I heard a Godly man say anything religious outside of church. It seems that was the job of mothers. We all had these little signs in and around our homes. Some were Bible verses, some were churchy sayings, maybe the golden rule. But all of this and I think most Bible teaching in the home came from mothers.

     I feel as if showing that Godly side is akin to expressing emotion. To expressing weakness. And men of old were never to show weakness. It's a man's struggle. We go to work. We go to war. We bear up under incredibly hard work conditions. We see and do things for God and Country that no human should ever experience. We have a box inside us labeled work. In this box go all the times the boss yelled or humiliated us. All the times the hammer missed the nail. The scars where the tree broke the back. The men who died or lost limbs on the job. This box gets opened first thing as home drifts away and closed up tight before the first glimpse of spouse or the curly haired young lady he used to bounce on his knee comes in to view. At no time can his loved ones be allowed to experience it's contents.

     Many have an uglier box. This box is war. The contents of this box are as black as sin. Although filled to protect the family, this same family would
 be lost if exposed to it's contents. Children killed, villages wiped out, comrades blown into eternity. Limbs and souls lost forever. This box must be tightly capped, guarded fiercely.

     Men have been uniquely created with a great ability to divide life into internal boxes and to guard those boxes lest they begin to bleed in to other boxes. Boxes like intimacy, spirit and soul, spouse, child, church and many more. This has been one of our greatest God given attributes.

     Keeping thinks so strongly separated in our lives makes it difficult to be open with those who need to know us. There has been a great push in the last 30 years or so for men to be open and emotional as women are. The pendulum has swung almost all the way over. Men are praised for being open and soft and crying freely. In general women no longer want a tough hardened compartmentalized man. We've taken it so far as to make it desireable for two men to share a relationship as husband and wife. One of these men has to fill a feminine role, the other masculine. There are now two less men to create a balanced home with each a wife also.

     My church has been struggling for years to create a strong base of Godly, well balanced men who will lead their homes and train up younger men to do the same. You see, there is a ground somewhere in the middle that is desireable. Men who are strong. Men who are courageous. Men who will go to any length to protect their family. Most of all they will do whatever it takes to raise up Godly children, to see that their wife is spiritually fed, that God has priority in their home. These men are so few and far between because we have allowed society to dictate what a man is. A society that wants nothing to do with God's design for man.

     This is our call. To be men of God. A man of God knows that nothing is so important as salvation. All of life must be seen through the lens of himself, his wife, and his children one day passing through heaven's gates. And he knows that his God is a God of love. He must love fiercely. Sometimes this love must crack the lid to forbidden boxes and allow spouse and children to know what lies beneath the surface. To expose some of the keys to why he does what he does,  what makes him tick. True intimacy must reveal all that can possibly be shared between spouses. There may be things that cannot be shared. Things dark and evil that may destroy a soul. War is especially common here. These things a woman must be willing to let go. A man would do good to let his wife know that these places exist. That his love for her is why she can not know these details. Places like this have wounded his soul deeply and might destroy hers also. These boxes that compatmentalize a man are there to protect him. They also protect her.

     We are called to be the leaders of our homes. This is our purpose. To love God. To love our spouse. To love our children. To love others as our circle goes out. To do this we must first become healthy in relationship with God. We must seek out what it means to be a man. Are there men around you who can teach you? Are you able to lead other men? Who could you team up with to help each other grow? A Bible or book study, a men's retreat, a Christian leaders business meeting, the teenager next door? Maybe there is an old man down the street whose wife would love you to get him out to the shop.

     Get rid of the junk. I have crass articles and half naked ladies coming across my Facebook from friends who want to grow in Christ. It seems obvious to me what needs to happen but these changes are tough. Is there someone like that which you could come along side and mentor? Do you have struggles like these you need to share? Sin kept in secret will eat you alive. I think there are few men left who do not struggle sexually with impurity. Then there is drugs and alcohol and whatever else. You are not alone. Do not fight this alone. Find someone to be open with. To share with. To pray with. Alone we die. Together we can find victory. Our marriages can be better than we've ever dreamed. Our kids can be lights in their schools. And any manly man who wants to come over and adjust my sprinkler so I don't hurt myself, you are invited.

Emotions and more

     We have much in common. All of us live on planet earth, breath air, eat, sleep, and share this thing called emotions. We all know what emotions are. I cried my eyes out at Babylon V "Sleeping in the Light" as Sheridan came to the end of his 20 year death sentence for going to Z'ha'dum. I got angry when Chris and I found someone was stealing money from us. When Chris's mom died I think I was more sad for Chris and for the kids than I was for losing her. And right now loneliness is quite common and probably will be for some time.

     Our emotions have limits though. I have come to the end of myself, just quit. Put the brakes on, thrown the lever in park, and let life pass me by, not knowing if I would join the fray again. You see, I can only take so much. I love to feel invincible. Just bring it on. I can take all you can dish. But the truth is I can't. And this is what separates me from God. This and a gazillion other things.

     I am made in the image of God. I have little pieces of the different bits of God. Enough of these pieces so that I can relate to Him, but not enough that I can do it without Him. That's the real separation. God can do it all. He experiences all of the pain I do but is not weighed down by it. He soars on the highs of my joy but is never ungrounded. God has the unlimited capacity to experience every evil and remain perfect in love. That's why He is God and I am not.

     I have wanted so badly to not experience loneliness any more. For life to change and gift me with what it is I think I need. From God of course. But then I hear a whisper. I hear God say, What will you do during this time? I don't really like that question. I mean I like to think about it and dream about it but not really act on it. I am learning though. God help me if I ever stop learning.

     So here I am. I am writing about my experience. It might be the tiniest little thing but I'm doing it. And I am listening each day as I bump into people both real and digital for the Spirit to show me how I can encourage them. I have not mastered the art of intimacy with God so each day that is something I strive toward. And I look for ways to encourage my wife, to relieve some of her burdens.

     It is thru my brokenness, my out of control emotions, my struggle through the day to day malaise that I find God. Though I desperately want to be all put together I much rather want to need God. Here I am God, needing you as much as ever.

Some questions must be pondered to glorify God

     So the other day I'm on the phone with a friend. We're pretty close so we try and talk at least once a year. And he says to me, someone asked me why I go to church. This wasn't a non church goer trying to get a handle on (why church?). This was a Christian brother helping a man who is in the valley right now. Why do you go to church? Why do you run sound? Why do you study as you do? Why do you pray as you do?

     These are life altering questions if one answers them from this one place. And honestly too. Does this grow my relationship with Christ? This is where I believe my friend is at. I deeply hope so. I have done so many things to honor God. Too many of which had the look and feel of Godliness but not the substance.

     If I commit time or substance to God but do not meet Him there than what is that? I am not talking of times of hurt or silence when There seems to be an iron shield above the clouds and all my prayers seem to bounce back unanswered, when God just can't be found. We go through times of desert or dryness but this is not that.

     I could go to church every service for a hundred years, have the greatest pastor ever, and zoom right through the gates of hell. Attendance and devotion are no susbstitute for connection. I have read my Bible for hours on end and gotten further from God. I have prayed over the needs on my list, many times right into rem sleep. I have honored God and God was no where to be found in it. Honor and devotion have been things that have derailed me time and again. Yet they are necessary. So how do I know?

     I honestly answer this core question. Does this grow my relationship with God? Often it's not this simple but this does give me a foundation to work from. Church is good. Maybe though God has some place of more intimate connection for me to be. Maybe I need to stop and ask God why church or devotion time or ? are not connecting me to Him. Is there something in my life preventing growth? Maybe if I leave the Bible and prayers and church and bible study and TBN behind and just talk to God. Me and God, one on one. Oh man, what could happen now.

     Moses was a friend of God. Imagine all of the other titles he could have had. One of the greatest men of God ever was simply God's friend. He didn't get that way by all of his holy accolades or religious convictions. Not by writing the Pentateuch. Not from hours daily on his knees. The truth is so simple that I struggle to grasp it.

     I simply talk with God. Share my fears and doubts, share my wins and happy times. I question His methods and timing. I acknowledge His supremacy. I thank Him for what He's done, both what I have seen and what I haven't. To forgive me of sins, known and unknown. Why would you place me here? What is going on? Are you sure there is a purpose here? Thank you God for the abundant blessings you have bestowed on me. And I listen. God speaks in quiet times and in movies and in music and anywhere else I am willing to listen. I probably miss most of what He says but I'm glad He keeps talking.

     We must be connected with the people of Christ. I'm not advocating abandoning regular meetings with believers. if growth is not a product then why not? Could I be a catalyst for change? Could God use me to stir up hearts? This is the gospel. To give my heart to God and then to others.

Missin' my best friend

     Really missing my best friend today. She's off doing finals week and mandatory volunteering into the evenings for her federal school grant. Summer is her slow time. No work but 17 credit hours split between WOU and CCC. And lots and lots of homework.

     She finished up the work year and had a whole week before Summer term began. Sleep was the only protocol. I had designs on a couple of days in Washington or maybe Northern Cali but it wasn't to be. Now here we are coming to the end of another season and I just want to escape. Go anywhere and just relax with the family. To be with my wife and just be. We are possibly heading off for a weekend but going to seperate destinations. Kinda like how cruel is that? But it's needed.

     So the count down continues. Roughly two more years of this. Next Spring is an opportunity for her to teach in China for two weeks. Who knows what else may lie in the future. The roads we have traveled,  I am not sure if they had names, but they took us places we never dreamt. Some really good dreams and a few nightmares.

     Yeah, I miss my friend,  but she is still here. We have many more grand adventures waiting us should the Lord will it. And kids. Three girls and three boys to this point. Maybe God will yet bless us with more in His own way. He sure does know His way around humor.

     Oh man. I realize this is written mostly just for me. I just needed to get some feelings out. I hope you don't mind.

Remembering Terry

     When I moved in to my new house almost 14 years ago I acquired many new neighbors. One of those was Terry. Terry lived in the house next door, a very red house that turned hot pink in the years after. He had a ratty mid 80s Corvette in the front yard and a bunch of bags of garbage in the back. Terry died a few years ago. Officially to disease but I think he'd lost his will to live.

      On some of my many visits to the 4' chain link fence that enclosed his property he told me of the large Harley he used to own, of the nice boat he used to have, and of his wife who died of cancer. It seemed that in one way or another life had picked off the things he cared about one at a time.

     Then came the day he asked me to work on the Vette. He'd started it one day to warm up and when he came out of the house it had died. We pushed it over to my shop and I ran through all the potential causes. The pain I felt in my stomach was wrenching when I had to go over and tell him the engine had siezed. I knew he didn't have the money to fix it. It seemed like the last thing he had left to claim that he'd been alive.

     In the last number of years he was alive we rarely saw him. Just getting in or out of his truck for work or occasionally taking dogs to park. He didn't even go outside with the dogs anymore. Just opened the door.

     When the family came to clean out the house it was overwhelming. Pizza boxes and garbage stacked to the ceiling. He'd left a path from couch to fridge to bathroom and was sleeping on the couch. His lack of will to live eventually sealed his fate. He became sick and spent some time in the hospital. When released and recovered enough to work again he did so but it was short lived. He got sick again, spent more time in the hospital and again was released to recover at home. This time the recovery would not come.

     Seemingly our whole neighborhood mourned his death. Well, except for the neighbors across from us whose little dog had gone under Terrys fence and become a chew toy for just an instant. And the people around the corner who would walk their 4 or 5 pitbulls down our street. His dog had jumped the fence one day as they were going past. There was a sadness that hung over our partially paved pot hole riddled street. A sadness that still visits from time to time.

     I still think of Terry. I remember many times his meth addicted brother living in the trailer in the back yard would make our lives miserable. I remember the funeral for his dog and the beautiful sign he put up over the grave. I remember times early on of him shooting hoops in his driveway. I remember talks of his wife and how much he had loved her. How much he still loved her and missed her. I remember how he had wanted kids so bad but never had the chance. I remember how much he loved on my kids. I remember you Terry.

     You are treasured and missed Terry, even if you didn't know it when you were living.

Planned Parenthood victory???

     Is all the outrage against Planned Parenthood really the victory it seems?

     Not too long ago we were outraged that aborted baby parts were being burned to produce electricity.

     And then the outrage was over. Forgotten like the little lives that never will be. It is a wonderful thing if we save a life here or there. Even more wonderful if the tide turns against abortion and many more are saved. But that is not our true calling is it?

     Go into all the world and make disciples of all men. In other words tell all people the good news of God, of Jesus Christ. It is a noble thing to save a life, but it is a holy thing, the angels in heaven rejoice, when a life is given to eternity. You see, the real victory isn't a woman deciding against an abortion, the real victory is that woman making a decision for eternal life with God.  Our battle has to be for above. It has to be for the eternal. For salvation.

So now we've had public outrage over burning aborted baby parts and we've had public outrage over selling aborted baby parts but still no outrage over killing these babies. Can anything except the Father's love truly change our hearts toward abortion?

The day that nothing changed

     Yesterday the supreme court of the United States of America announced a ruling and today I sit in my car and read scripture and see nothing different. The letters are not moving around on the pages to change truths thousands of years old. Some infinitely older than that. Nope, not one thing different. God is still the God of all creation. Satan still comes to steal, kill, and destroy. And me? I don't think I've changed much in that time either.

     You see, the enemy wants us running around, scared and worried. Troubled that our footing in this world is eroding. Praise God!😊 Apparently my smilies don't work here. For those of us who live because of the work of the cross and the deliverance from said cross, let it be known that we don't stand on this world. Our feet are firmly planted on the rock of Christ Jesus.

     What's that you say? We are losing our influence here. We have no freedom. We can't talk about God here, we can't pray there. It's about time! Time for we are not of this world to actually have some meaning. Time for us to stop leaning on legislature to support us in our beliefs, it's time to give that place back to God.

     It's time for FAITH. Faith that trusts God to fill the offering plate. Not our own begging mixed with scriptures and holy platitudes but faith. It's time to have faith that God has our backs. Our businesses. That God cares about the needs of our families more than we do. Faith that when I don't feel God He hasn't moved. Faith that my child with autism isn't broken but perfect.

     The whole world seems out of control and that's the way the enemy wants it. Our lives seem out of our control and they are. I can fear that lack of control as I so often do or I can once again give God the reigns to my life. Either God will have control of my life or sin nature and Satan will have control. Those are the only options. A or B. There is no ME. So what will you do today? Right now as you read this? Will you give God control for the first time? Will you give Him control for the 135th time today? I Surrender All is not about losing your life but saving it. My testimony, that which cannot be denied, is what God has done inside of me. That is my gain. I must surrender over and over and over. When I retake control I allow the enemy in to steal my joy, to kill my heart, to destroy the man God made me to be.

     Do you know why I think God gave us Revelation? Not to scare us about end time events. Certainly not for us to spend significant amounts of time trying to figure out how it all plays out. If you had a time machine....If you could go back in time 6 months how much money would you put on the clippers? Or how bout the tripple crown winner? Or how about a little further back to pick up a first printing Superman No.1, one of which recently sold for 3 and a half million bucks! God gave us a glimpse, yes of the past, but also of the future too. We know who wins. Knowing this we can lay it all on the table. Our spouse and family, our job(s), schools, flags, laws, churches, everything!!!

     I am tired of fighting and I am tired of being afraid. I want to only fear He who holds life and death in His hand. Truly who else is there to fear???

This man's journey to intimacy with my Creator.

     This is some of my journey to find intimate space with God. It wont be a blueprint for you but I hope you will find some nuggets in here. It's long, and somewhat painful, and here for you. If this helps you, know that God placed this here for you. God bless.

     What I really want to do is publish a how-to manual on intimacy with God. In order for me to do that you're gonna have to go back in time 43 years and be born to my parents, have my name, and live my life exactly as I have. Our journey's to intimacy are as you-nique as you are, and as I am. You are so special that God has a one off plan of intimacy for you only. And the uniqueness of that plan is part of what creates that intimacy.

     I am very angry. I have tried everything I know to find intimacy with God. Many times I have sat in my chair in the yard after dropping kids at school. Opening the Word I just read and read. An hour, hour and a half, it's like life to my bones. There's this nagging inside that I should be getting work done but this is much more important. Then I grab my list and begin praying for people. Ten to thirty minutes later it's time to move on, to do my day.

     Day after day I do this. It's great, but it's not somehow. Emptiness is consuming me. I get to the end of my day and think, oh yeah, I forgot about you God. Knowing I haven't thought about You since my morning ritual creates more emptiness.

     Did my devotions at the park in my car. Had the most amazing time with God. Next day was good but not like yesterday. Third day was a failure. I felt nothing. I am such a failure. Why can I not have the intimacy I see in others during Sunday worship? How do they get there? I give up. I am so pathetic. This is so easy for many others but I guess it's just not for me. Stupid friggin dog gonnit worthless person I am.

     That was bad. I'm so glad that's over, today was amazing. God, this is the start of something new. Oh my gosh.  I can't wait until tomorrow to do this again. Well it wasn't as good today but not everything is gonna be the same every time. Felt kinda lifeless today but gonna keep pressing on. Why do I even keep doing this? It's not doing anything. I might as well just go about my day and not do this at all. This is stupid God. Why wont you give me what I need?

     I don't understand how I can spend so much time with You and feel lifeless. And why do I not think about you at all during the rest of my day? I know you've planted this desire for intimacy with You inside of me but I don't understand why you're keeping it from me. It's all part of your plan. Gotta trust the plan. I hate the damn plan.

     Ok, time for a fresh start. God please ipen your word to me. Make it life to my bones and speak to me here. Amen. Wow! Today was the best time I've had with God in forever. Definitely.gonna build on this tomorrow. Man, I still didn't think of you at all today since my time this morning. But I'm gonna work on that. Tomorrow is a new day.

     Another great day, great morning with God. This is what I'm talking about. How come this has been so elusive God? I wish every day was like this. Oh man. Now back to the rest of life. Gotta get that car done today. Got the car done, the yard mowed, fixed Tony's trike and a good dinner for a change. What a great day. Oh yeah, and you too God. I kinda forgot about you in the business of the day. But tomorrow will be better. I promise.

     Paid some bills and picked up those parts to get that job done. Didn't get my time in the word today but I know  God is ok with that. He's not up there with a gavel to punish me. It's been feeling kinda lifeless anyways.

     God I have done everything. Everything you have asked of me. I hate you! I mean I don't really hate you but it hurts so bad. I really want to hate you. It's not your fault though. It's me. I'm just not cut out for intimacy. It's just not me. I don't know why you would make me this way but you did. So it really is your fault. But it doesn't matter. I'm a sad, useless, uggh! I don't even have words for what I am. I'm that pathetic, huh? Why would you do this to me? To any person? I am a stupid fuckin waste of oxygen use. I am taking away from your planet. Why would you put me here? I give up! It's not worth trying any more.




     I reached the end of my rope. I wanted to not be not here anymore. There were no other options though. I just wanted to run away, to leave my family, my responsibilities.  To just disappear. To find myself in some New Mexico town working in a minimart where no one knows me and no one relies on me. To disappear as much as I could from society. But that wouldn't fix anything. I would still be stuck with me.

     God took me to a place of healing. A place where an unknown woman whispered in my ear "the intimacy you seek with God you already have."

     The color suddenly filled my world again. Like I had journeyed a thousand miles to find a treasure, only to find it was in my pack the entire time. Literally my whole world changed in that instant and I began a new journey that I am still on.

     I don't have all the answers for you. Maybe even none. And I don't want to fill your head with seemingly empty rhetoric of "God has all the answers", or "just trust Him."  I do believe these things are true but they probably will not comfort your heart. I do want you to know part of my story and to know that you are not alone.

     Did you notice the result(s) of all my efforts? Take from this what you will. I really hope that your journey is nowhere near as painful as mine but more importantly, please continue the journey. And do not compare others with yourself. And throw away any preconceived notion of what intimacy looks like. And don't eat Spam. And if you can smell colors, have the doctor change your meds.

Are the right questions wrong?

     The question is....who am I? Moses was 80 years old and didn't know who he was. The angel of the Lord came to him in the fiery bush, God said go, save my people. Moses says who am I? I am nobody that they should listen to me. But Moses reluctantly obeyed and became who he was. Prophet, priest, teacher, leader and so much more. Writer of the first five books of the Bible and ultimately, God's friend.

     There is no greater quest in our life but to answer this question. For in the answer to this lies the truly great revelation.....who am I in Christ?

     Yet we go sideways in this. We jump a step when we ask, what is my.purpose? What am I here to do? What is my calling?

     The real question is this. Who are you, God? Not even who am I in you but simply who are you. I want to know you. I want to be in your will seems right on but it's caddywompus too. You know me in and out so reveal yourself to me. Take away the barriers between my heart and mind. Make my heart wise. Make my.mind to be overwhelmed with your love. Let me see you as in a clear reflection. May you become more comfortable than my own skin.

     For you see, in the intimate space between my Lord and myself all of these questions are answered. And none can be answered properly from outside. The answers they will seem proper, God directed, God answered, and such, but when true intimacy reveals itself, even the need for those answers will seem shallow. All of life's needs are swallowed up in the quiet secure love between my Father and me.

     We will chase after many things in this life. I pray that whatever you chase it will eventually lead you to the feet of the Father.

     That's step one. Step two is equally important. Once your secure intimate space with God is found. Now you know what it is to simply be. No longer thrashing about but at rest, it is time to nudge others in the same direction.

Who does God love more?

     Do we understand what it means to love? To love as Christ loves? There are a lot of different facets to love and I'm only gonna touch on one, I think.

     We've all seen the pics and formed opinions about Caitlyn Jenner. I mean it is the hot topic right now. Is it right? is it wrong? Courageous? Have you stopped to think of God's immense love for Bruce/Caitlyn? If you did, if you do, does it change things?

     What about the guy who taped the dogs snout shut? There's something serious mental going on there. Do we have the same compassion toward him that we do toward Robin Williams and toward Robin's family. Has God's love for him changed?

     What about the Taliban or ISIS? We cringe as we discover a new atrocity, each one more vile than the last. But did you fall to your knees and plead the blood if the Lamb over them? Did you pray that some how, some way, God's love would reach them? Or did you simply repost, adding your own commentary about a world gone to hell?

     What about that one video? You know, the one where someone did something so stupid even a two year old would've known better. Do you ridicule this person? Or do you turn your eyes to the sky and say God, I've done many stupid things in my life too, and you have forgiven me and given me a fresh start. Would you please help to do the same here? This cannot be erased but you God can make good out of it.

     Do we only love the abused, victimized, sodomized, traumatized, underdog losers? Or do we also love the rapist, the sodomizer, the ISIS rebel,  the transexual, the white trash, the black trash, the illegal alien, the politician, the ex spouse, the bully, the kids' new stepmom, the drunk who killed our child? Do we have to choose between the cop and the other? Can't we love both?

     When that man is doing the sick thing to that child, do you think God's tears are only for the child? Does not God weep for the brokenness of this man as well?

     We can say to the broken person that God loves them infinitely and in the same sentence curse the one who caused the broken pieces. That must break God's heart all over again. To think that God loves the one more than the other. Does the abused need to feel Gods love more than the abuser? Really? Where is that in the Bible?

     I have a deep heart for broken people. It does my heart so good to see the healing begin. I wonder how my world would begin to change if I had the same heart for those who caused the broken pieces. To love the unlovable.

     Jesus hung on the cross and He looked down on those who put Him there, ultimately killing Him, and said "forgive them, for they know not what they do." This is the love we are called to. He is our example.

The line between grace and the 'rules'

     As believers we have this fine line to draw between grace and upholding Biblical standards. God has given us so many guidelines as to how to be His follower. I wonder though if they aren't just that, guidelines.

     As I travel throughout His great guidebook I see God contradicting the 'rules' often. Like seemingly all the time. So how can this be? And if this is so then what is God really after from us? What does it mean for you and me? Hopefully I can answer this but first some examples.

     The Nazirite vow and Samson. In Numbers 6 God says a Nazarite must abstain from wine, fermented drink, vinegar, grape juice, grapes, or raisins. His hair couldn't be cut nor could he be exposed to a dead body. So God raises up Samson (Judges 14-16) as a mighty warrior through the vow of a Nazarite. A Nazarite who is never to be around a dead body kills over a thousand people. His vow is broken not by being around a dead body (like one part of the law says) but eventually by his hair being cut off (another part of the law).

     Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob give us many examples of the 'rules' being broken. Abraham believes God's promise to populate many people's through him. When years have passed and his wife still isn't pregnant they go to plan b and he sleeps with his wife's slave. God still uses Abraham as planned despite this. Isaac lies about his wife being his sister (his dad did this twice himself) so he can save his own skin rather than trust in God to protect him. Jacob takes advantage of Esau to get the birthright and then works with his mother to steal his brother's blessing from his father Isaac.

     Joseph's brothers sell Joseph and tell dad that he was killed yet the tribes of Israel are still formed from them.

     Rahab is a prostitute and becomes one of Jesus's ancestor's.

     God told Moses to lie to Pharaoh. God said to tell Pharoah to let his people go to the desert and hold a festival to God. This was true to the point that they would go and worship God, but false in the fact that they would never be returning.

     A pastor friend of mine told me a story about when he started pastoring a new church. The denomination had a rule that no deacons or elders could be divorced and thus his problem. He had almost no one he could promote because nearly every candidate had been divorced. So what to do? Ok, let's close the church. I mean rules are great, but in this case they sure didn't help those they were meant help.

     The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise,  as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. 2 Peter 3:9. God's desire is for all to be saved. We repent, we leave that old us behind, and we start on a new life. New life with Christ.

     We are to judge. We are to look into the lives of others and see, is there evidence of Christ? Just as we, just as I, look into myself to see Christ or not. We must! If I do not look into your life to see what Christ is doing then I fail you. It is my job,  my duty. I cannot do this alone. If not for others checking up on me. Praying for me. Calling out my sins and saying "what the heck Jethro?", I would not be where I am. But, where would I be if more of my Godly family kept me accountable and motivated me forward?

     God is a god of the journey. So where are you going? Let's not forget the past but what are you doing with it? What direction are you going? What is God doing now? This is the question.

     Second is this. Are you trusting God? There is no way I can see all God is doing in you. There is no way I could have seen what God saw in Moses or Abraham or Noah or Samson or the apostle Peter or in Paul. But I can be in communion with God each day and the Holy Spirit can. God can guide me to people that scripture says can't be leaders. People who don't fit into the scriptural guidelines.

     Ultimately God is the one who has a clear view of your heart and mine. It is He and only He that can know where each is headed. I must turn my fears and cares over to Him. I've got to trust that He is working for good in those around me. I have to allow Him to show me when to speak life to you and when to correct.

     It is God's plan. Will I (we) join Him in it? Or will I do as I think needs done?

The rainbow is not just for us to remember God's promise

     Have you ever looked at a rainbow and thought,  God is down right here, right now? Gen 9:14-16 14 Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, 15 I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. 16 Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on earth.

     The 'I' is God. Funny how He speaks of himself in the third person in vs. 16. The rainbow is like God's post-it note to himself. Oh yeah, do not destroy earth by water. Again. Check. No water apocalypse. Just found this amusing.

seeking joy in these times of struggle.

     Grappling with the idea of blessings. More specifically, how do I thank God and praise God for the blessing of my wife earning her bachelors degree while working full time? I feel like a single parent most of the time. The kids are frustrated/angry that their mom is seldom around. Mom feels guilty for not being around for me or the kids.

     This whole thing has flown in the face of my theology. My relationship with God is first (center). Next is family (immediate close family), especially those under my roof. Next would be everyone else to varying degrees. When so little time is available for intimate family moments then how can that be glorifying to God in the ways it should be?

     But, (another paragraph started with but, har, har, har) this is. What I mean is it is what it is. I can rail against it and whine for all my super justified reasons, or I can submit to what is, give thanks to God, and probably find some joy in the situation. I could change my perspective by looking at some of the terrible things we could be dealing with but it seems like that would be saying there can be no joy facing those things. I know that's just not right.

     So today is another new day. I don't know what is so blessed about this time we are in, but I thank you Lord for this time. For these challenges, for these struggles, for all the headaches and back aches and lonely times, God I give you glory.

     Seek and ye shall find, ask and ye shall receive, knock and the door shall be opened unto you. I think that about says it all. That's Matthew 7:7, out of Jethro's memory version.

In giving I receive

     One day during worship at church I just wasn't feeling it. So I went to the source. God, I'm just not feeling it today. The answer was swift and sure. Worship me.

     Worship is never for me. Worship is the feeling or expression of reverence and adoration for God. No part of that is for me. So how is it we (I) go into times of worship for what we (I) receive? God owes us nothing. He's already given us everything. And then I go to worship Him expecting to be filled up myself. What kind of selfish American Christianity is this? Yet God is so gracious that He does give to me. I worship Him and I leave feeling filled and refreshed. No other god does this. As if any other gods are actually gods.

     So once again God reminded me of the order of things. That I am here to worship Him and He alone. Not because He demands it but because He is worthy. And He IS worthy.

I am more important to God than my disobedience

     I didn't go to church for about 10 years. Now I haven't analyzed dates and times, could be 8 or 12 years but quite a long time in any case.

     My wife and I had met at the youth club at the church or maybe at the youth group, it's all the same really. I was four years older than her. Still am I think. She was in her senior year and I was a guy who had dropped out of college after a tumultuous marriage and divorce, and was volunteering with the youth group. We had nothing in common but she was a tender ear and I was a broken soul who needed to talk.

     We got married about the same time the youth pastor left, the head pastor changed, and all the connection we had to the church kinda evaporated. I'm oversimplifying and mashing some events together but eventually we ended up in no man's land. Somehow we just drifted off by ourselves with no one there to grab the rope and pull us back.

      I think I've always been good at religion. Justice and order and rules make me feel safe. Everything has its place. Up to this point in life relationship was fairly foreign to me. We coexisted peacefully at home in my growing up years most of the time, but I wouldn't describe it as warm and loving. Relationship with God was just as alien a concept. 20 plus years I've been in church to this point and my view of God is very legalistic.

     So now I'm in this desert. I've walked away from God. Failed so many times that the only thing left to do is quit. Maybe this was the sane decision. My life so far running the circle round growing then failing, growing and failing, was killing me. So I took the off ramp. This isn't the right answer but what is?

     This was a temporary fix. A temporary hiatus that went on year after year. What else could I do? I can't find success following God, and I can't stand to fail again. I have no recourse except to quit. And quit I did. I didn't totally keep this to myself though. I began to talk to God. Eventually I made an impossible deal with God. I will come back to you when I know for sure it's a forever deal. Only if I know one hundred percent that there is no possibility of failure will I come back.

     Over and over again the pangs of guilt would hit. Or, what if I die before I come back? Or the rapture? Or??? I knew the agreement I had made with God was something He could never fulfill. I knew it was impossible, yet what else could I do?

     Though I lived thru it I'm not sure how I ended up coming to God. There was a void in my life that was eating me alive. And eat it did. Til there was almost no life left. There is a part of me that cannot live apart from Christ. Maybe not a part but the whole. But I didn't know. Maybe I was always in His hands but I didn't know it. Maybe I had to go through so much darkness to know I couldn't live without the light. Whatever the case I learned something priceless.

     I learned relationship with Christ. In my hundreds and hundreds of talks with God relationship was born. Those talks were so honest. There was no religious mumbo-jumbo. I would tell Him I wasn't ready yet. He would sometimes reply it's ok. I couldn't accept that, I was in the wrong. Yet God said it was ok. So not only was relationship born but my religion was destroyed. This was the God of love. I was more important to Him than my disobedience.

     He is no teacher standing in front of a class room expounding the virtues of being Christian. He knows me. Knows where I've been and where I'm going. In the middle of my disobedience He stepped in and showed me what a lifetime of church never could.

     This is the God I serve. This is the God who continues to destroy all my notions of who He is. The more I come to know God the more I understand how little I know of Him.

     So how has He affected your life? What ways has He worked that maybe even now you are struggling to wrap your head around? If you are truly honest do your experiences with God match up with the religion you have been taught?  Do they exceed or have you been taught very well? Though we may see God many different ways, His character is perfectly spelled out in the love verses of I Corinthians 13.

     Replacing the word love with God, because I John 1:8 says God is love, first Corinthians 13 verses 4-10 say: God is patient, God is kind. God does not envy, God does not boast, God is not self seeking, God is not easily angered, God keeps no record of wrongs. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. God never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

This is an amazing God!

Inspired by God thru man.

     I am being blessed over and over by a man that God poured his spirit into and who in turn poured his spirit into song. He has been dead for years now but God is continuing to touch me through his music.

     How amazing is that that the same spirit who inspired this man is inspiring me day to day? It hasn't diminished or gone away but is the same undiluted full strength spirit that drew Rich Mullins into a life of words put to music.

     This isn't about sainthood. While I've no doubt he received his reward, what I'm looking at is the Holy Spirit. It is this spirit that comes into us when we invite Jesus in, but we receive so much more than just a helper or a teacher. As we join in this struggle between the darkness and the light God comes into every part of us. Our physicalness, sex and health and aches and pains and weight gain and loss. Our mind and heart, which wage war together and against each other. To believe the insanity of God which is the only logical answer. To suffer the pain of loss and rejection, the surrealness of love and orgasm and new life handed to us in the birthing center.  In all of this the spirit of God is part and present.

     We live and we die. The physical body we possess dies and decays, but the spirit within us lives on. It lives on in our art and our music, through our children.

     I have been inspired by a man with many demons. A man haunted by a father wound he could never escape. A man who found the love of his life, his one true love, and though he loved her more than life it was not to be. He fought his demons til death and though it would seem his life is a failure it was not. This man loved God. He gave all he had to serve God, to serve others. These demons did not have the last word. Every day he fought to find God, to know God, to find his purpose and identity in God. Through his pain and heartbreak God created immense beauty. He poured out his brokenness to the Creator and the Creator took that and mixed it in with the gifts planted deep within and out poured music that seems to touch the heart of God. It is this music which touches me so deeply. The broken pieces of his life mixed with the Spirit of God comes out of my speakers and seeps into my soul,  it penetrates the broken places deep inside with God's healing Spirit.

     This is the undeniable piece of God that we must experience and which cannot be denied. If not experienced we lose out here and now and possibly in eternity. It is this that draws others to us. It is this that witnesses invisibly to the invisible. And witness we will. For God or for Satan. 

     Every bit of life is spiritual. Every little bit. Though this life and world seem unspiritual, they are every bit as such as heaven is. We all are blind to it to differing degrees. Knowing that all is spiritual, if the spirit of God is not coming through my music or art or work or family than what spirit is? That may be a scary question but it shouldn't be. There will be parts of our lives that do not exude Christ. This is natural. In fact, if it bothers you that something in your life does not exhibit Christ, that could very well be the Holy Spirit wanting to work there. You and I will never bring every part into submission with Christ. Not this side of eternity. But I should look more like Christ than I did 5 years ago.

     Some of us will leave behind very visible evidence of God within us. Art or music or books or teaching that will continue to grow the spirits of others long after we are gone. But most of us I suppose will not. Not to the naked eye or ear. But to those we have inspired..... To those we have passed on the tenets of God to, whose spirits have grown because we dared to grow ourselves, to them we leave our legacy. A legacy that is living and life.

     It is the battles that Rich fought which have created so much food for my soul.  I pray that my wars would lead others into victories of their own. That beauty from pain would be not mine alone, but others would glean from my victories and defeats. 

     If ever you have questions of me please ask. How I got through something or why I did something so stupid or if you need prayer. I know this is a very impersonal interface but we can still use it for God's glory. Thank you, Jethro.

my biggest regret(s)

     24 years ago........19 years old. I had just finished my first year of college. A friend from a job a few years earlier set me up on a blind date with a friend if hers. If only time could be rewound. We didn't hit it off that night, I slept on my friends couch while the two of them had a slumber party or something upstairs. Doing what I thought I should do I got up early, went to the store and bought a rose (can't remember uf it was just one) and put it on the hand rail of the staircase and I think went back to sleep.

     I had yet to round home base in my relational endeavors up to this point but that changed soon enough. We started talking on the phone hours at a time. Outside if work we were inseparable. She rented a place at the beach. I was trying to be a good boy and keep it in my pants so I resisted going. I just wasn't that strong.

     After our weekend I was in love. I told my buddy I wanted to marry her. He begged me not to, said I wasn't thinking with the right brain. He had much more experience in this area. But I was determined. Within a day or two I proposed and she said yes. It is too simple a thing  to make such a decision. Too easy to give away the rest of your life, there is no sacrifice in that. But the sacrifice must come.

     We set a date in August, I asked her dad's permission, her mom slaved to put it all together, and my mom I think was beside herself, but excited. Six weeks after meeting we were married. The wedding night must have been magical because three weeks later she peed on the stick, and I was on cloud nine. She on the other hand didn't take it so well. I think she wanted her mommy.

     This is speculation on my part, but I think her world came crashing down. She had been working since at least 15. Much of the time two jobs and some of that to help her parents. With me she was wild and free. She got to run and play and be a kid. But this rocked her to the core. Everything changed. One Friday night she told me she was leaving. We laid in bed that night and talked. It was the best time we'd spent together in a while. I hoped she would stay. The next day while at work she and her family packed up everything and she was gone. I tried desperately to get my boss to let me off but it was no use.

     I went home that night, my world empty. Within a few weeks divorce papers arrived. I would have done anything, anything to put things back together. We fought and fought through lawyers, through the court. In the end all I wanted was time with my son and the wine glasses from the wedding.

     One day my grandma called me with congratulations. What for grandma? She had seen the birth announcement in the paper. I didn't even know my son was born. I visited once or twice in the hospital and then they were gone.

     Tuesday and Thursday nights were my visitation times. These visits were hell. I had no experience with babies. I always tried to take someone with me. My mom, dad, roommate, anyone for support. It was so uncomfortable that after a while nobody would go with. I went into enemy territory mostly alone. If Gracies place had been around back then, neutral turf visits, my son might have had his father. My solo visits outside her home were to begin at his one year and that's when the restraining order showed up. Claiming I was abusing him in her home, I had to take parenting classes or no more visits. No matter what I would never get him alone.

     Not only were the visits hell on me and any who went with, but they were hell on my son. Babies are more sensitive to stress than adults and he would cry through most visits. Continuing with things the way they had been was not an option. I think I could have maybe taken the stress but I couldn't bear to see Joseph have to deal with that any more.

     Just outside the elevator in the courthouse downtown, with my my mom and grandma and lawyer I said enough. With tears in my eyes I let him go from my life. Repeatedly they asked, are you sure? It's causing him more harm than good so I've got to let him go. And that was it. The papers were drafted, signatures signed, and life moved on. We have not been together since a week before his first birthday. Next month he'll be 23. He's married with a little boy a year younger than my little Emma.

     I hope one day to introduce him to his brothers and sisters and to meet his family. To introduce myself to him and meet him for what will essentially be the first time. I know this may never happen but I hold hope. My wife hopes, my mom hopes, and my kids would be stoked to meet their older brother.

     My wife is quite the snoop. The information I have about hime is from her snoopery. She managed to find him selling on Craigslist and went and met him. They casually hung out for over an hour. He and his mom both held my baby girl, his sister. Both my daughters were there. Nobody but Chris knew, didn't want the kids spilling it, she bought an old violin from him. It was the only time we've ever been able to help them in any way.

     Although I regret much of that back then I certainly do not regret Joe being born. I regret making decisions not understanding the length of their implications. And I regret not being a part of his life. I think the desision to let him go was right. His life needed to move forward and so did mine. As Bruce Hornsby says, that's just the way it is.

God showed up

     These last few weeks I have had more work than I...well, I've had lots of work. Now bear in mind that I'm a stay at home dad so this wouldn't be much work for a guy with a regular job. But it's a lot for me. Then spring break we took off for 5 days, came back for a week, then beached it a Lincoln City for Easter weekend. That was a blast.

     For a year now Chris has been going full time on her Master's as well as full time work and that makes our together time pretty slim. We really needed time away. Coming back to life after Easter was killing me. The house was a mess, the kids wanted to go play with their friends, Chris made it to soccer practice to relieve me at 6:15pm Monday and then came home about 8:30 Tuesay night. I miss my best friend. I never signed up for single parenting.

     But God showed up like He always does. Tuesday a guy from my last Bible study came over (brought his car over) then Wednesday another church friend brought his truck over and my buddy visited with his car just before that. These guys really lifted me, although still missed the wife. However, late in the morning she showed up. Had to leave work due to puking over and over. (Must be the baby). That's our little family joke. Even though she was sick still got to spend a little time with her. I'm not saying God made her sick but He did use it to bless me in a way. Although she was doing quite a bit better Thursday she was still home and continued to help me out.

     I know this doesn't seem like much but it was a lot to me and God really showed up in a tangible way. God has been so gracious in supplying customers whenever we need money but this time He filled an entirely different need. I hope you know this God who supplies all needs.

she always seems to have it all together

     You always have it together. A friend said people tell her this all the time. She laughs. If they only knew.

     The funny thing is though, she and her friends are both right. She doesn't have it all together. A mess as often as not. She sees her failures. Time not spent in prayer, friends who haven't been called back, a Bible more lonely than it should be. Too many things done wrong, appointments with grace never met. Struggling to pick the right book or video series for the next Bible study. Days, weeks, and months fly by, will there ever be time to stop and catch up?

     Her friends are growing because of this woman who gives all she can. They are greeted by her loving hugs, soothed by her prayers and tears, fed by the Spirit that flows within her, and closer to God because of her. She is no saint, but she is who God made her to be so maybe she is a saint.

projects

     There's this wierd thing that happens when I get past the halfway point of a project. It's like I can see the finished product so the excitement to continue evaporates. I'm dreaming already about the next five projects. Most times there's a whole gaggle (creative word choice) of projects going on simultaneously to stifle the boredom. That definitely helps me keep going but isn't so helpful for actually finishing things.

     My bedroom pallet ceiling kinda brought this up. Don't worry, I'm still plugging along. A friend was kind enough to bring over a box of nails yesterday to keep me from standstill. It's well past 1/22 done. Let's try that again with only one 2. 1/2 done. Apparently my two key sticks. On my touchscreen. It looks really good and is totally worth the 3000hrs of labor seems to be taking. 17 days today. My wife is giddy to see it done while my level of excitement is moving down rapidly in proportion to the work seeming to go up.

     This has definitely stirred my creative juices. I want to build a pallet bench. Want to build a flatbed and cool running boards for my 51 Chev truck. Want to buy another hot rod project to fix up and sell, build Coke glass light fixtures for the kitchen, build a shed near shop for tools and still got something else to build for bedroom. It's a surprise. Can't say. There's about a hundred other pending projects or dreams. It's no wonder I can't sleep at night. Brain running doubletime.

     Welp, life calls. Kids to pickup and stuff. You guys have a great day.

I am an arteest

     Right now I am in the middle of a pallet ceiling in my bedroom. Ok, I'm in the middle of building it I'm not in the middle of it. This is about 10 times the work of sheetrock. I mean seriously. Gotta get the pallets, then disassemble and remove every nail/staple. These are 8' long with sides 2-3'tall and take an hour to two to break down. Then each board has to be cut to fit a specific space which has to look totally random, planed on one side, then bent and pried and fit into place. Had to buy the planer too. But I'm an arteest and its gonna look cool.

     One of the two 4' lights in our kitchen died recently. My first thought was to put a new ballast in it but then wait. What if I drilled holes in the bottom of Coke glasses, mounted a light socket inside each one and hung from the ceiling? That'd be way better And about 10 times the work minimum. Stay tuned for that if I can work out the details.

     My shop is in the back yard and it can get really muddy. So the obvious solution right is to get a truckload of gravel and make a road. Right? So what I did was to bury railroad ties lengthwise four on each side to make a sort of road to the shop. Nearly two hundred of them over a several year time period all dug and laid by hand. My hands. Little bit more than 10 times the work.

     I wish my wife were up at this ungodly hour of the night so she could list off more of my genius (stupid) projects like these. I think if there's a hard job I will find an artistic way to make it substantially harder.

     There is an element of satisfaction knowing that my whatever is like none other, or one of only a few. No matter how stupid I've come to think my railroad ties are there are always people coming over who think it's cool. Genius maybe. Whatever comes next it is likely I will find a way to make it substantially harder on myself,  take forever, and maybe even look cool. I'm an arteest!

I wonder if Jesus did small talk

     I am fascinated by the idea of what filled all the inbetween spaces with Jesus and His followers. What was it really like 24/7 with the God-man? What was the small talk? Was there small talk? Few people ever want to be around someone who only talks of kingdom stuff.

     I find myself irresistibly drawn to conversations of kingdom stuff. I think in some respects that's all I would talk if given the chance. I love meat. Even in the midst of a war or election eternity still weighs more heavily. I don't think most people are like this. It seems most folks need small talk. The water cooler conversations. The game last night. Who killed or cheated on who on last nights episode of whatever. However, I do love Netflix. I like romance and exploding stuff.

     I tend however to find eternal implications in whatever I watch. Whether Diehard 4 or Rambo 4 or the latest super romantic sad movie, what was that called? Oh, The fault in our stars. I see kingdom implications everywhere. The better movies can keep me going for days on how sad it is that they fought so hard for something but it's all meaningless without God. The greatest romance ever is nothing if you get to heaven and don't get to stay. Those memories won't comfort in hell.

     Is anybody else like this? On those long road trips and boring spaces what did Jesus fill the time with? We read about some of the highlights in the Bible, what was the rest? Was it all highlights and important teachings or small talk too? The brain only learns for so long a period at a time so there must have been lots of filler. The filler seems to be what builds intimacy long term. I mean, not talks of tv but of where you grew up, your sisters age and your favorite place to live. The details that separate friends from acquaintances.

     Eleven guys were willing to follow Jesus to death. They weren't thrill seekers looking for death. There was something else about being with Jesus. They loved Jesus. They weren't just clinging to His Godness though. Maybe it started out that way but I think they clung to him out of love.

     So how do I find the balance? I'm 43 years old and still asking simple questions to things it seems I should know by now. The only thing that matters is eternity in heaven. But we don't live there yet and there is stuff all around us that is very important in this end of life. If I cant relate it to the eternal then I don't want to waste my time.

     Those of you who know me know I love to talk of cool hotrods n ratrods, vintage bmx bikes and the pallet ceiling I'm doing in my bedroom. It's not all God stuff. But I do find it hard to want to keep up with what is blowing up the internet this week. Or what is trending on twitter. And then as if the latest battle over a wardrobe malfunction/Cardashian/Mike Rowe/Democrat/Republican/Tea Party/Iran/Israeli/Isis meltdown isn't enough, we still have these arguments over law vs. grace and predestination vs. free will. I mean jeesh, is any of this getting us closer to knowing God? And if it's not then why do we keep it up? Are we that easily distracted by Satan? The Bible says to those who have been called you have also been chosen. Predestination.  It also says if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead then you will be saved. Free will. So why are we arguing one or the other when the Bible says both? Can we talk about something of value please? Something that would grow you and grow me and draw unbelievers close as well. I do not think it is that hard, Jesus couldn't hardly get away from people they wanted to be around Him so bad. So why don't they want to be around us?

more waste of the internet's capability

     I was thinking that blogging is kinda like being a musician. You've got to follow your passion and make the music you care about yet at the same time people better be able to relate to it or you'll be doing it at 50 years old from the comfort of your mammas basement. I did say kinda like. I don't do this to make money one day, I just enjoy it. And I'm nearing 50 and nowhere near my moms basement.

     This is that terrible dilemma. Terrible for me anyways. I really want to just write what I feel like writing but if you guys don't care about it then I might as well use pen and paper. Maybe the prez should blog so he wouldn't need to use his pen so much.

I'm thinking about challenging myself to a blog a day for some period of time. In the past I only wrote when something really pressed upon me. While I am still doing that some, more often than not it's just random things floating through my head. There's a lot of randomness up there. In any given day there's probably 3-5 things I'd like to write about. It's the quantity that is actually making it harder to write anything of value. Too much mush in my head, need some clarity. So rather than waiting for clarity maybe I can just write it out of my head. And, maybe it will help me become a better writer. Shouldn't hurt should it?

     I don't care what people think, it's just that I really care what people think. So regardless of what you think, and because especially I care what you think, I will continue to blog. Yeah, you try being inside my head.

when finances and faith and patience don't want to coexist.

     It is tough to live within our means. Sometimes it's the choice between this thing or that, other times there are no choices available. Money has been wisely spent but there's just no more of it. It's kind of a trapped feeling that I'm sure many of you can relate to. We don't mis-spend our money, don't buy things without reason. There are no credit cards and even checks went away a long time ago.

     This is the life we've chosen. We've had no dreams of wealth. Well, except for the lottery. Did you buy the ticket honey? No, I thought you did. We have dreams. Not dreams of better, wealthier days. Old fashioned dreams of happy and healthy kids playing in the back yard. Of evenings spent just the wifee and me, watching tv or some other mindless activity. And for the most part those dreams have come true. The Viper is still just a Hotwheel. All the hot rods dreamt of just sit rusting away, still waiting on some day.

     There is contentment in this place. A knowing beyond all doubt that God has cared for us. Has brought us through and protected us. He has blessed us much. Why then do I get these times of hopelessness and despair? Why is my spirit low? And why does God who cares for us and provides all our needs leave us with debt from medical issues and doctor visits? I feel that especially as a Christian my debts should be paid. Another should not be suffering because of me. Even a company. Yet every year we still have debt. Some gets paid off and a little more springs up. It seems like it would be so freeing to not owe others. God could provide means to pay it all off so in some way or another it seems that it is not a priority to God. Seems like that means I shouldn't stress about it or worry about it even.

     I have faith. I trust you God. You don't need to build to a dramatic pause for my faith. I believe. So you can just do it now. I don't know if I've ever said that but sure have thought it. Like God, I know you know what you're doing but just this once do it my way. Maybe He's not working just on faith but my patience too. I don't like that idea. I have a lot of patience except when I don't. No need to work there. Maybe I should just buy a lottery ticket, odds much better than changing God's mind. His plan is so much better, blah, blah, blah. Sometimes I know enough of the answers but just want to wallow. Swim in self pity for a bit.

     Once upon a time we had two incomes. The kids were much younger. Then grandma got too sick to take care of them and my job came to an end. We chose the one income road. To raise our kids ourselves rather than childcare. Next to having kids this was probably the best decision we've made. I don't ever regret it but do resent not having money. So here's my little vent. Nothing needs to be fixed but the brain needs to let go of things and move on. So here's to moving on. To new challenges as well as old.